Page 25 of Spark of Madness

Did shecondition me for divisive thinking?

Are my thoughts rebellious becausehers were?

Did she indoctrinate me against having pride inservice?

Was she a sinner who made me question mybeliefs?

No…No!

I refuse to believe any of that.

I’m not a sinner, and neither was my mother.

But if we aren’t sinners, then that means everyone else is wrong. Air rushes from my lungs on a sigh. Nausea rolls through my gut with the dissonance of it all. Either she and I are right and everyone else is wrong, or she and I are wrong…and we both deserve to burn in hell for our sins.

Where is the truth in this madness?

I flip the page to read the next entry, dated a week later, on July 15, 2171.

I’m a sinner.

I have sinned.

I don’t think there will be absolution for me.

Elijah found me with her.

I don’t dare write her name, though it wouldn’t matter if I did. They already know; they all know. The Elders, the Control, Elijah...

Oh, how I’ve hurt Elijah.

He found me tangled with her in our bed. I honestly hadn’t expected him to return home so soon, and I was stupid. We were stupid.

We’re sinners.

It’s the only explanation.

I must have been wrong, so wrong to think against our beliefs, to question the existence of our God, to wonder whether the ways of our community are right or wrong. They’re right…of course they’re right, and I have sinned beyond forgiveness.

There must be a demon inside my mind, giving me the same sexual impulses as those of men. It tricks me, deceives me, convinces me to carry out sexual acts with a woman, and I’m weak. Women are weak…too weak to handle the Impulse. It’s why God only burdens our men with it. They have the willpower to wait for the full moon to purge, while I had none.

I wanted her.

I needed her.

I thought perhaps I loved her.

But it’s only the demon in my soul.

I’m a woman possessed.

I’m a sinner.

Elijah had to report my transgression to the Control, and my fate awaits their decision of punishment. I know I deserve whatever punishment they bring. I just hope that when I’m gone, another domestic can help Elijah raise Mercy to be stronger than me, holier than me.

All hope for me is lost.

But perhaps Mercy will grow to become the proud, willing servant I know she can be.

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