My heart’s not here though.
It’s somewhere else. It’s stuck on the last time I saw Ava. It’s stuck at the place where I told her I loved her then let her go.
I’m stuck there like I’m in limbo, my thoughts still with the girl, the second woman in my life to have my heart, mind, body, and soul. She owns them all, and now she exists in my mind. In my memories. Like Sorcha.
I’ve stayed out of her life since that night, becoming a ghost. It was exactly like we never happened, except she’s always on my mind.
Me and her. I have that fantasy of us being those people who meet at the coffee shop, and sometimes I allow myself to think about what would have happened to them next.
She’ll still be in Florida working with one month left to go. I hope she’s happy. That’s what I hope. I hope she gets to live her dreams and be safe.
I hope she forgets me.
Pa stands up and raises his glass of wine. I focus my attention on him, just like the others.
He looks around the table at everyone. “It’s time. It’s been a great day. It’s been great having everyone here,” Pa says. It’s the most emotion I’ve ever seen him show. “Even better to be in good spirits. Angel and I fly back to Sicily in the morning. We’re going to miss you all a great deal. I know you are in good hands though. Very good hands.”
His gaze turns to me, and his smile widens.
“Thank you, Pa,” I say. “I’ll try to be half the man you are.”
“My boy, you’ll be more than the man I am. You will not be half or any part of me. You’ll just be you, and it will be more than enough. I can rest in our homeland knowing you’re all safe and well taken care of.”
I stare at him, lost for words. That’s the best thing he’s ever said about me.
He reaches out his hand to mine, and I stand, but I don’t shake his hand. I hug him, and he chuckles.
“Thank you, Father,” I breathe. It’s strange. I feel like a boy again. Like that boy I was when I knew I would have to take charge one day.
“You are more than welcome.”
When we pull apart, he holds up his hand for everyone to see the ring my grandfather gave to him when he became boss of the family. He takes it off and holds it out to me.
“For you,Capo Familia,”he says as I take it.
I place it on my finger, and everyone claps.
Pa places a hand on my shoulder and nods his final approval.
I smile back feeling the accomplishment.
* * *
I stare at the display of ballerinas in the case in the room I devoted to Sorcha. They are the last to be packed away.
All the other trinkets have been boxed up and the photos placed in albums. The painting has been wrapped up too. That was the hardest thing to take down.
As I did, however, something lifted from my shoulders. The weight of guilt freed itself from me. It was as if the memory of Sorcha sealed to my heart instead of the visual reminder of the painting I wanted to see every day.
I arranged a nice area in the attic for her things. All that’s left in the room now is this case with the ballerinas.
Yesterday, when I went to see her at the cemetery, I got the strong impression that I should do this. Like she wanted me to do it. Pack her things away and keep her in my heart instead.
When I got back, I started packing up the things.
I stopped here because it reminded me of Ava. Not so much of that night when she came up here and was looking around. They just reminded me of her in general.
The little ballerinas all look so delicate and pure. Unbroken and angelic. Just like her.