Page 21 of Without Me (Men of Inked 5)
The day my brother returned home should’ve been a day to celebrate. When he walked in the door, I’d been texting Max and we’d been having a war of words and my mood had turned to shit. Although I wanted to join the rest of the family in welcoming him home, my mind was filled with anger toward Max.
I tried to ignore my phone, pushing her out of my mind while listening to Thomas. Seeing him sitting in my parents’ house brought me a bit of solace even as my world had been turned upside down.
On his second Sunday dinner, Thomas brought his girlfriend. Again, I’d been fighting with Max. It was all we seemed to do lately. My family was too wrapped up in him and his girlfriend, Angel, to realize that I was seriously pissed off as well as depressed. I was thankful, because the last thing I wanted to do was have a long conversation about how I’d become a pansy and joined the dark side.
The only person who noticed was Thomas. Even with the overwhelming reception he’d received after being gone for months, he saw right through me. I confessed, telling him as much about the situation as I felt comfortable with.
Although I wanted to spill my secrets and aggravations to Thomas, he didn’t need the hassle. He had enough to deal with at the moment to have to worry about my dumb ass.
Walking out the door on Max weeks ago had been the easy part. Living with the pain from the aftermath had become excruciating. There were times I wanted to turn my phone off. Seeing her messages every day reminded me that I couldn’t touch her. Even though I wanted to ignore her words and not respond, I couldn’t.
My need for any type of communication got the better of me. The one thing I wouldn’t do was beg her to give me another shot. I was done with that shit. When she begged me to see her, it took everything in me to say no. She asked if we could meet and just talk, but I knew how it would end up. There would be very little talking, lots of fucking, and I’d leave most likely after she threw me out. I wouldn’t do it again. I couldn’t relive the last few weeks.
The pain had finally started to dull, the ache in my chest turning into a twinge every once in a while. I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t afford the pain. I was too old to deal with the bullshit and life was too fucking short.
When my brother called the family together because Angel had been kidnapped, I didn’t have time to think about Max. We worked together, bringing her home safely. When we arrived at Thomas’s house afterward, the entire family had gathered. Each person had their loved one waiting for them, but not me. I had no one.
To say that it hurt would be an understatement. What I wouldn’t have given to see Max standing there, waiting to see that I was okay. It wasn’t in the cards. I’d only thought about her a couple of times in the last forty-eight hours since the insanity of Angel’s abduction occurred.
But seeing everyone hugging and kissing with tears in their eyes had made me grouchier. Every feeling that had simmered beneath the surface was ready to bust free. I didn’t stay and celebrate with everyone. My heart wasn’t in it. I should’ve been elated, but Max’s absence in my life made me feel like shit.
I grabbed a bottle of tequila on the way home and decided to drink myself into oblivion. I was tired and ready to make it all disappear. What better way to do it than at the bottom of a bottle?
I was mortified and defeated.
The words I wanted to say to him were stuck on my tongue, but I couldn’t say them. Even when my mother threatened me, I still couldn’t. I didn’t want him to know. It was my secret. It was something that only my family and my closest friends knew.
I didn’t want him to look at me differently. I wouldn’t be able to survive it. When he walked out the door yet again, I held back the anguish I felt as my insides were shattering.
“What is wrong with you, Max?” My mother shook her head as she climbed to her feet. “That man seems to really like you, and you’re being selfish.”
“Mother,” I snapped as I jumped to my feet. “If I were selfish, I’d let him be mine. I’m saving him from me. He can’t fall in love with me. He just can’t.” I paced the tiny area between the coffee table and couch. He couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow it.
“He already does, child.”
“Ma, what he says and does are two different things.”
“I can tell by the way he lit up when you walked in the room. I haven’t heard a man fight so hard for the love of a woman. Can’t you see how he feels about you?”
I stopped dead in my tracks. “I do! That’s why I pushed him away, Mama. It’s not fair for him. It’s not right of me to love him.” I began to pace again.
She gripped my arms, stopping me as she shook me. “Baby, you deserve love as much as everybody else. If you don’t get your head out of your ass, you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.”
“I have you, my family, and friends. I don’t need anyone else.”
“Lies. I won’t be here forever, Max. Your friends and family have their own loved ones. We all need somebody in life. Don’t push away a man that’s willing to fight for you.”
“Mama—”
She held up her hand. “I don’t want to hear it. Go tell that man that you love him and make him understand why you’ve been acting like a fool.”
“I can’t,” I whispered as my eyes flooded with tears.
“You will. If you don’t, Max, I’ll find that boy and tell him exactly what’s going on.”
“You wouldn’t!” I yelled as I closed my eyes. One thing I know about my mother is that she doesn’t speak hollow words.
“I will. Try me, child. Get yourself together and go beg for his forgiveness.”
There wasn’t a point in arguing with her. I knew she’d tell him if I didn’t. No matter how hard it would be to tell him my secret, it had to come from my mouth. I needed to look into his eyes when the realization and enormity of it sank in.
10
Hopeless
Loud pounding on the door woke me from my sleep. After half a bottle of tequila, I’d crawled in bed and nodded off watching Dual Survival.
I grabbed my pillow, smashing my face into the material. If I ignored the door, maybe they’d go away. As I sighed and didn’t hear a second knock, I spread out and started to drift back to sleep.
Another knock had my eyes flying open. This time, the pounding was more forceful, and it made my heart jump. I looked at the clock and wondered who in the fuck would be pounding on my damn door after midnight.
Anything was possible at this point, but most likely, it was one of my brothers popping by with some bullshit. Without looking at my phone, I grabbed a pair of shorts and put them on as I walked down the steps.
The pounding continued, growing louder the closer I moved toward the door.
/> Finally, I swung it open and yelled, “What?”
Max stood before me with her face covered in tears and her fist in midair. “Anthony,” she said.
I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her. The tequila and the banging on the door had started to give me a headache. Seeing her on my doorstep made my blood whoosh through my veins so fast that my head began to pound harder than her fists had been hitting the door.
“What, Max?” I replied in a scathing voice. “I don’t have time for your shit, and I sure as fuck don’t need any pussy.”
“Oh,” she replied, and looked over my shoulder.
“No one is here. I just refuse to let you stomp all over me again. I will not be that man. I’m not weak, Max. I don’t need you in my life.”
“Anthony, please let me talk.” She looked beautiful with her hair shining in the moonlight and taking on a bluish tone in the darkness.
I held my hand out. “There’s nothing you can say to me. We want different things in life. I asked for a chance to get to know you so I wouldn’t have a regret. I’ve changed my fucking mind. I regret the day I met you. I’m through. Go home. There’s nothing or no one here for you.”
Some of it I meant. There was nothing more I wanted to do than hold her and feel her body on mine. I couldn’t give in. Standing my ground would be the only way she and I could ever have a future together.
“I don’t care how many tears you’ve cried. Save them for someone who means something to you.”
“Stop!” she yelled as tears streamed down her face. “I’m sick, Anthony. Sick! My father died and his condition was genetic.” The sob that broke free caused her entire body to tremble.
Every ounce of air inside my lungs had left me in one quick exhale. I stood there not believing what she’d said. Max had lied before, so this had to be another one of her tales.
“What?”
“You heard me,” she cried as her shoulders sagged. “I’ll never have a future. You need to find someone else to give you a happy life and a big family. I’m not that girl. I can never be her. No matter how badly I want it, I just can’t be.” She looked at the ground, breaking eye contact.
The knots that had formed in my stomach had changed, turning into a solid punch in the gut. There wasn’t a blow I’d taken from my brothers that had caused as much pain as her words had. Sick. She was sick. The strong woman standing before me had something that affected her and made her feel unworthy.
I lifted her chin, needing to look into her dark eyes and understand the depths of her pain. “Max,” I whispered. “I don’t understand. You don’t seem sick.”
Her lip trembled as she spoke. “I’m not sick now, but I will be. I know my fate. I never have to wonder what I’ll be like in my old age, Anthony. I know that I’ll be wheelchair-bound and unable to live on my own, just like my father.”
It couldn’t be.
Max was vibrant, full of life, and too fierce to let anything stop her. She couldn’t resign herself to such a fate. I wouldn’t allow her to. All the anger I had been holding inside had vanished and was replaced by a worry so profound that I wanted to move heaven and earth to make her existence different.
“Max, we can go see the best doctors in the world. I have money. I’ll help you find a way to change your fate.” I wouldn’t accept the word of a single doctor.
“It’s hopeless, Anthony,” she replied as the tears fell onto my fingertips. “I’ve been to the top doctors in the country. There’s no cure. No treatment. I
