Page 122 of Academically Yours

“Why, sweetheart? You didn’t make him say those awful things. I’ll make sure he never bothers you again.”

“Just… that you had to see that. I—I never…” My breath caught, and I shook my head as if I was trying to clear the thought. Matthew took my hand, his thumb running circles over my skin, calming me down slowly but surely. “I never wanted you to hear the things he used to say about me.” I looked up into his eyes, his icy, beautiful blue eyes, and I couldn’t help the few tears that escaped me. “He made me believe so many awful things about myself, and I just—”

“Shh,” he soothed. “Noelle, baby, it’s okay. I’m here, and if I have to spend the rest of my life proving to you that those things aren’t true, I will. Okay?”

“Is this just… Why is this so hard, Matthew? Maybe… Maybe I can’t do this? It shouldn’t be this hard,” I cried into his chest.

He leaned back to make me look at him. “Are you saying you want to end things, Noelle? End us?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“You… don’t want to be together anymore?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t say that—it wasn’t true.

“This is what you want.” Not a question, a statement.

No. I want you to fight for me—fight for us. I need to remember that not everyone is like him. “I don’t know, what I’m feeling, Matthew… I just…”

The silence that followed echoed in the hollowness I felt in my chest.

“You told me months ago that you didn’t want anything serious…” Matthew’s voice was quiet but firm. “I thought things were different.” His blue eyes were shining and I hated the fact that I was causing the pained look in his face. I didn’t want to end things. I just needed a minute—to breathe. To not have this crashing waves of feelings from seeing Jake, from having him belittle me all suddenly back in my head.

“Was I wrong?” he whispered.

No, I wanted to scream. You made me want a relationship—with you.

“What are you saying?”

“I can’t keep trying to make this work if you don’t want me to, Noelle. If you don’t… want me.”

No. No, I loved him—but my head was a mess. I couldn’t keep my thoughts straight. I was still reeling over seeing Jake, reliving all of the shit he had put me through for years when we dated in college and when we moved in together.

Slowly, Matthew disentangled from me and stood, and every quiet step he took towards the door was a stab though my heart.

I couldn’t let him leave. I couldn’t keep doing this to this guy. This amazing guy who I felt more for than I had ever felt for anyone, who was everything to me… I couldn’t let him leave. Couldn’t let my fears keep us apart.

“Wait,” I breathed, and Matthew stilled. He turned around, and the anguish in his eyes took my breath away. I hated that they weren’t filled with as much hope and love as they had been just a few moments ago.

That I had done that, to him. “Stay.”

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