Page 118 of Academically Yours

I had listened to my mom cry almost every night for years.

The tears had started flowed freely from Matthew’s eyes then, and it broke my heart, but I wanted him to keep being open and honest with me.

“You know I lost my dad when I was little.” I waited for the slightest nod from Matthew before continuing. “I was young enough that I didn’t feel the devastation—maybe not then—but I’ve felt his absence in every moment of my life. I get it, babe. I would do anything to have one more day with him.”

Matthew opened his mouth, the only sound coming out just choked garbles. I placed a wet kiss on his chest and continued, knowing he couldn’t find the words yet. “He died on September 6th, in a construction accident at work, you know? And I was three, at pre-school when they got a call from my mom. I don’t remember it, but I know what they told me. My mom was too much of a mess to even get me from school. My neighbor had to pick me up. I stayed at her house for a week because mom was a shell of herself. She didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and barely said a word to anyone. The love of her life was gone. What was the point of living without him?

“I think she forgot she had a daughter for a moment there. And I just kept asking, what’s wrong with Mommy? Where did Daddy go? When is Daddy coming home?” I could feel tears dripping from my eyes, but I just kept going. I had to.

Matthew’s arms squeezed me a little tighter, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. “Mom had been trying to get pregnant again, you know? She wanted another baby. And then my dad was gone. And it was just us, and she couldn’t figure out how to live without him. And I… I was too young to know what was going on, but I remember that feeling, Matthew. That soul-crushing disappointment when you realize that the person you love is never going to come home. And I… I can’t imagine not having someone to share that with.”

His breathing had finally evened out, even as the tears continued to trickle down his face. Matthew smoothed down my hair with his hand before dropping a kiss on my forehead.

I could feel it, then. The shift in him, however small. The moment he decided to tell me, sharing his burdens and grief with me. Because I was strong enough to take it—because he had made me strong enough to make it through almost anything.

“They were coming to visit me,” he finally said. “To take me home for the long weekend. Easter, just like this week. We were supposed to spend it at our little cabin up in the mountains, just the four of us. We were going to get Tess after leaving my school. But there was black ice on the roads, and the-the car slipped. They slipped on the ice, and then the car rolled, and they ended up thrown against a tree.” A sob wrecked his body, and I held tighter. “It’s my fault. That they’re gone. That Tessa had to grow up without them. Their miracle baby. They had tried so long after me to have her, and they didn’t even get to watch her grow up.”

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered into his heart, wanting to bury my head in the crook of his neck as we both cried into each other’s arms.

He took a deep steadying breath before continuing. “I just… I shut down. I was only in my sophomore year of college and my parents were just… gone from this world. In an instant. And yeah, I always had Bryan, Cole, and Tanner—they didn’t give up on me, even when I had all but given up on myself, but I didn’t share my feelings with them. Didn’t tell them what was going on in my head. I couldn’t find the words, even if I wanted to. Tess was with our grandparents, and I kept my head down, just trying to make it through my last two years of college. I studied hard, focusing only on the future. On making sure Tessa knew how loved she was, even without our parents. I buried every bit of sadness and anger at the world for taking them from me, because she was more important than I was. She was eleven, you know? My baby sister. It’s like you said… everything changed for her in an instant.

“I buried my feelings because it was easier than feeling… this. This agony, this grief, missing them so much my heart hurts. It was easier to not let anyone in and keep everyone at an emotional distance because that was preferable to this. Until…” He stopped and looked straight at me. “God, until I met you, and I realized that maybe I could have someone. Because before you, Noelle, I never wanted it. No one else was ever worth the effort. Not until you.”

“Oh, Matthew,” I let myself cry against his chest, wishing I had something more I could say, that I could find the right words to tell him how I felt. How much I wanted to mend this hole in his heart, like he was helping to mend mine. “I’m so sorry.”

He pulled me in tighter. I never wanted to let him go. “Will you just… let me hold you, sweetheart?” It came out as a broken whisper, but I knew it was what he needed most right now.

What I needed, too, if I was being honest. I didn’t need someone to fix me—I could do that all by myself. All I had ever needed was someone to sit by my side, to hold me while I cried—not to tell me that everything was going to be okay, but to tell me that they were here for me, in whatever capacity.

So, I nodded into his chest. “Always. I’m always here for you, Matthew.”

Because I was. And because… I loved him.

More than I think I had ever loved anyone.

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