Page 114 of Academically Yours

I didn’t want them to see me like this.

I collapsed on the sofa, one arm thrown over my face as I stared at the ceiling, holding on to my fourth, or maybe even fifth, beer. I didn’t want to remember anymore. I wanted to forget. Wanted to get wasted enough that when I closed my eyes on this weekend every April, I didn’t think about what I’d lost and the parents who I would never get to see again.

It hurt, more than I could ever explain, and I didn’t want Noelle to look at me with the pity that Bryan, Cole, and Tanner did every time this weekend rolled around.

The first year… was the hardest. My junior year of college should have been one of the best years of my life, but instead, I had wallowed myself up in the house the four of us rented together and hadn’t come out until I was numb to everything.

I hadn’t cried, not really, just felt like an empty shell of the person that I used to be. And maybe I had been like this for the last ten years, ever since I lost them. Just wandering, hoping that one day it wouldn’t hurt so bad. That if I could only forget it, everything would be okay again.

My phone rang, but I ignored it. Then a text came through.

Tessa: I’m here if you want to talk.

She always was. And she should have been the one person I could talk to about this, shouldn’t she? But for some reason, I had never found the words. Every time I tried, I would open my mouth, and nothing would came out. No explanations, no apologies, no I’m sorry our parents our dead.

No, I’m sorry I’m the reason we lost our parents. That they never got to see you grow up. That you got stuck with me, some grumpy asshole who can’t even talk to his baby sister about why he’s sad. So maybe grumpiness was my coping mechanism, my safety device so people would leave me alone and wouldn’t dig deeper.

Because I had never been able to figure out how to talk to anyone about this. Not my sister, not my friends, and not even the counselor my university had suggested I go to while I struggled to deal with everything over the last two years of college. Instead, I just… shut down. Didn’t open up to anyone.

Hardly talked about myself with anyone.

Until Noelle. Fuck, I had been such an asshole to her.

But sitting here, downing another beer, just trying to forget, I couldn’t think about Noelle. Couldn’t think about the girl that I loved and that I was letting down every day by not just telling her what I felt.

My heart hurt, even as I lay there, on the couch, ignoring the buzzing of my phone. Bryan had joined Tess now. Maybe even Noelle had sent a text or two.

I couldn’t talk to any of them. I shut my phone off and pulled a blanket over my face, hoping that sleep would grant me a sweet escape from reality.

Hoping that it might be enough to forget, even just for today.

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