Page 17 of Navigating Lexie

Lexie

Theabsolutelastthing Lexie wanted to do was hash out the past. She didn’t feel they had any air to clear between them. It had been a long time since Nav broke her heart and she had moved on. She felt she would always be reeling from the brokenness she felt in losing Oliver and that’s where she felt she needed healing the most, but Nav had a point. The air had never been cleared between the two of them and despite the time and distance, she too felt the awkward tension between them. If she wanted Nav back in her life, even as a friend, they couldn’t keep dancing around their feelings.

Nav cleared his throat, but Lexie’s voice escaped first. “I guess the only thing I still don’t understand is...why?”

He narrowed his eyes for a moment. “Why what?”

“Why did you leave Otsego so abruptly? What happened to make you want to run?”

Silence filled the spaces around them. Lexie watched the familiar twitch of his right eye and the flare of his nostrils, remembering all too well how he looked when he was upset. He parted his lips slightly and then pursed them back together. He glanced around the bar and then down at his hands before taking a deep breath. “That’s a loaded question.”

“And one I’ve never been given the answer to. One I probably deserve an answer to,” she said curtly.

“I suppose you’re right,” he gruffed out. “I just--Lexie, there are things in my life that are just...complicated.”

She scoffed. “You act as though I wasn’t beside you for those complications for nearly twenty years.”

He stared off behind her and nodded his head with a slight gesture she wouldn’t have seen had she not been studying him so intently. “Right, but we stopped talking, like really talking, about life when we were in college. You were busy living your happiest life and enjoying every moment. I was busy flunking classes and trying to escape the responsibilities of being a “dad” to a brother that I shouldn’t have had to parent,” he sighed. “I was failing all my classes, the relationship with my father was continually declining, and I just needed to escape from everything and everyone.”

“Nav you never talked to me about any of this...”

“Lexie, do you really think twenty-one-year-old you gave a shit? I look back and see two people who were not in the right headspace to be making lifelong decisions together. We couldn’t even go a week without arguing about something. I gave you the option to stand by my side through it all,” he said, looking her squarely in the eyes.

Her voice raised slightly, the memories flooding back: fear of rejection, constant anxiety about where they stood, wondering if it would all crumble at any given moment.

“Ha! As if, Nav. I get that you had a lot going on in your life. It sounds like things weren’t great for you, but you were a terrible communicator. When Ollie and I talked about the relationship between you and me...I laughed. I truly laughed when I looked back because what we had? I’m not even sure I could describe it as a relationship. I fell in love with you when I was fourteen. Fourteen, Nav! I hung around grasping onto whatever little bits of love you’d give me because I knew the man I had fallen in love with was still in there somewhere. I knew the thoughtful, kind, honest man was still there, and I wanted so badly to find him again. Twenty-year-old me just wanted you to love me back, Nav.”

He scoffed. “Lexie, I did love you. How could you think I didn’t?”

Her eyes dropped down. “Circling back to the fact that you were a terrible communicator. I told you over and over again what I needed. What I wanted. I just wanted you to love me, Nav. I look back and see so much time wasted on you and whatever was between us. For years I stuck by your side hoping one day you’d finally decide I was worth loving back.”

He interrupted her next thought. “Whoa, whoa. This is ridiculous. I did love you! You’ve always been worth it to me.”

She held her hand up and shook her head. “Nav, I asked you so many times to label our relationship and you never would. I always got the same response, ‘We don’t need labels, Lex,’ and then you’d follow up with a kiss. But the thing is Nav, I wanted those labels so badly. I needed those labels. I look back and see so many times when you chose someone else over me. The night of Eagle’s accident, you chose to go to the party with some other girl while I stayed home. You went to formal dances with other women and had chats with multiple women on your phone at any given time. But me? Nav, I never had anyone else. It was always only you. When you showed up at my apartment and told me you were leaving, I told you what I needed. I told you I needed commitment from you or I was going to walk and in the end, you chose to walk away.”

“Okay, yes. I’ll admit I wasn’t always the best man, but we never labeled anything and I never knew where we stood...”

She laughed. “Nav, we never labeled anything because you couldn’t fathom being with one woman. Whether or not you want to believe that is on you.”

“That’s not true though. Sure, I entertained party invites from other women and chatted with several girls, but you were the only one I was intimate with. I didn’t sleep with any of them, I never kissed them, and they were all aware I wasn’t available.”

“If you weren’t available there wouldn’t have been other girls at all,” she said as she leaned back, not sure she wanted to continue this argument. Listening to him defend his shitty actions was infuriating.

“Lexie, I understand what you’re saying about not fully committing to you. I get it, okay? I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I don’t have an excuse for my behavior, I just hope you’ll understand that isn’t who I am anymore.” He paused as he took a deep breath. “That night...I don’t--I don’t really know what I expected. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to leave Otsego and know I had you on my side while I was gone. I wanted that so bad, Lexie. But when I was faced with the ultimatum, I froze. I panicked. I didn’t know if I could be the man you needed me to be, so I told you I couldn’t commit to you. Lexie, I didn’t even know if I would ever be coming back to Otsego. There was just so much of my life that was swirling around in a bubble of unknown possibilities.”

Lexie stared at him and saw the pain in his features. His brow was wrinkled and his lips were pushed slightly into a pout. She could hear the angst in his voice, but the crushed twenty-year-old still inside of Lexie was screaming at her to run far away from Nav and never look back. The current widow, however, reflected back on those pivotal moments they shared together. He had fair points.

“I just think it’s important we both recognize that the people we were all those years ago aren’t the same people sitting at this table now. I would never treat you as I did in college and I’m continually frustrated at myself for how things ended with us. It wasn’t fair to you and for that, Lexie, I am and have always been, sorry.”

Before she could acknowledge what was happening, she felt the warmth of his hand against her own. She allowed him to hold it there in the center of the table and stared until their hands melded together as one tan blob.

“Nav, I--I think it’s good we cleared the air.” She pulled her hand from his and tucked it into her lap before continuing. “I don’t want to live in the past, but you have to understand the trepidation I feel when I think about letting you back into my life, in any capacity.”

He nodded and pulled his own hand to his lap before standing and pulling out his wallet. He dropped money onto the table and shoved the wallet back into his pants. “We should probably make our way to dinner with the others. It’ll take us about fifteen minutes to get there,” he said, emotionless.

“What do I owe you?” she asked as she stood herself and grabbed her purse off the chair next to her.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it,” he said as he dipped past her and walked out of the restaurant.

Lexie was left standing by the table in a flurry of emotions. Why was he so upset? What did she do wrong? Why did he react that way?

She sighed heavily and stepped away from the table, following Nav’s angry steps out into the blazing sun.

---