Page 69 of Lost Without You

I sat quietly at Savannah’s side, watching and listening, not interrupting. When she got to the part about Saturday morning, when our first major wall in our friendship was brought up, I was surprised to realize her therapist had no idea that Savannah and I had been together, romantically, once before.

I knew for a fact she talked to her therapist about everything. Even after that night and things between us were strained, I could always tell when Savannah had a session, even if she didn’t come to me for the decompression anymore. So, the fact that she left out that one night spoke loudly to me. I wanted to know why it hadn’t been brought up before?

Shame?

Embarrassment?

I watched as Savannah continued to speak about the weekend, and also about Bella and the show. I watched how she kept her hands folded tightly in front of her, or picked up a pen and mindlessly began to bounce it before putting it down roughly. Then she’d hug herself.

But not so much a hug-hug, but a folding in on herself.

And then when she started to cry when she was relaying a story, it was me who was fidgeting in my seat, because I wanted nothing more than to hold her.

“Ugh!” She said with a laugh, brushing her cheeks with her palms. “I so did not think that was going to happen today. I was feeling so good too. I didn’t think I was going to cry,” she laughed again into the camera.

“It’s okay...!” Her therapist truly was a kind, soft-spoken woman, and I liked that Savannah had her. “I think that what you’ve been doing is reverting to some old thinking patterns.”

Savannah nodded. “I know. I’m really great at jumping to conclusions.”

“And we know that that stems from trying to be someone your mother wanted you to be.”

“I...I heard from her today,” Savannah then admitted softly, looking over at me from the corner of her eye. She swallowed before looking back at her phone. “She called shortly before I went to Ryan’s, and saw him with Bella.”

“Ahh.” Her therapist nodded her head ever so slowly. “Do you think maybe that’s the reason why you had been on one plane where Ryan was concerned, and then it switched unexpectedly?”

Savannah nodded, and in the viewfinder, I could see her look up and stare at a random spot in the kitchen. “Yes. But I was so wrapped up in my head and being fifteen again, that I didn’t take the time to go through my steps to realize I was in one of those negative thinking patterns.”

“And now you’re reflecting on that. It’s okay to have missteps, Savannah. You know this.” She went and explained a couple of different ways Savannah could work around this, and once the session was through, and everyone gave smiles and goodbyes, I didn’t waste a second pulling Savannah off her stool and into my arms for a tight hug.

“I love you,” I whispered into her hair as she wrapped her arms around me, standing between my thighs.

“Thank you for being here. For not giving up on me,” she whispered back, and I squeezed her gently in response.

“Never giving up on you. Let’s go chill on the couch with our now-cold food, just like the old days.”

Savannah pulled back from my hug and gave me a beaming smile—even if her eyes did look exhausted. “I’d love that.”

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