Page 26 of Enslaved by Anubis

20

Anubis

The days pass slowlyand laboriously. The ever-growing weight of desire weighs me down so that I am incapable of seeing to my mission. My days are consumed by thoughts of the night to come. For the past five nights in a row, Zanika has joined me in my chamber after dark. Between the copious amounts of mind-blowing carnal pleasures and the mental stimulation of our conversations, I spend the better part of each day dreaming. I can feel the mission slipping away from me, but I don’t really give a damn.

I am acutely aware, though, that I am nearing the two-week mark. This was designated as the halfway point, and I will have a meeting with the general and some others, hopefully not that fuckwit Chem-tat-ef, at a remote location out in the desert. I am actually supposed to head there tomorrow night. The knot in my stomach of seeing these people is excruciating. No doubt, they can see that I am behind in the construction of the fortifications. Or at least I assume I am because I haven’t been outside the palace walls in the past five days.

Paradoxically, I feel both more apathetic and more alive than I have in my entire life. Fortifying the city for a possible war with the Qhins no longer seems like a productive use of my time. Every week we talk about war their colony Tripassus attacking Ebkherun, and every week it turns out to be fearmongering. We’re probably more likely to have a war with the war-loving Folkmaer, but there is no way that they would come for us in open space, and, on Yoria, their colony Landesgil is way in the North, with Tripassus blocking their way. Tripassus would also not risk their own home planet for a futile war that would most certainly end in the destruction of both.

No, we have really made Yoria into our own little battleground. Have to get that fighting energy and hatred out somehow. As of now, they are just political games, but, before long, human armies will be sent to fight one another for a cause they could not possibly comprehend. Before, this knowledge did not bother me, but having spent some time among the humans, especially with Zanika, the thought of using them in this way makes me sick.

It has become my view that if humans were given a world where they could live in peace then they would be much like us, if not exactly like us. In Zanika, I have found compassion, intelligence, deep emotions, everything that makes a person a person. Who are we to say that humans are not exactly the same as us? They may look a little different and come from a vastly different culture, but they are us.

I know that talking like this would probably get me euthanized. There is no room for any mental illness on Dhaarria; if you aren’t a perfect specimen mentally, physically, andideologicallyyou are discarded. It doesn’t matter how old or educated you are. My immaculate track record would probably get me into a rehabilitation program, but even then, without swift results, I would be looking at the end of my life.

I am also acutely aware that the daily reports I have been sending have become shorter and shorter. I have not had the energy or the concentration to focus on such matters. There is only one thing down here that draws my attention, and fortifying the city, building an army, and appointing new leaders are not it. I realize that I will have to come up with something, though. If they see that I am not completing the mission as planned, they may pull me out, but I am not ready to go.

I haven’t yet told Zanika that I am due to leave Avaris in the next couple of weeks. I have alluded to a future date when I will need to go back, but I have not said anything concrete. I am not completely sure why I have done this. I have no trouble sharing intimate details about my life with, her but summoning up the courage to tell her that I will no longer be here seems more than I can bear. It’s almost as if telling her would change things between us, and I have no desire to do that. It’s no longer just the sexual needs that have taken control of me. I find myself yearning for her mind along with her body.

In human culture, it seems, it is normal to discuss emotions and feelings in such an open manner. I could never talk to anyone on Dhaarria about the alienation I felt in my school years or how I never felt I was part of the group, except to the personal therapist appointed to everyone to make sure we stay in line. I can see now that their job was to squelch any unwanted feelings immediately and guide us back toward neutrality and logical thinking.

I always felt a little different but would hide this from the others. I became a chameleon who could get lost in the crowd with ease, but I always knew that all the success, trophies, and accolades were just a facade. Something to show people that I fit in—and not only fit in, but was one of the best of the Dhaarrir. I don’t think I ever recognized this fact until I talked to Zanika about it. As much as I have broadened my mind with new knowledge about her world and the cosmos, she has broadened my mind about what lies within me. I am not an emotionless, desireless robot like I am supposed to be. I am a person who feels as well as thinks. My mind is not just an analytical tool for the betterment of Dhaarria—it is my mind, and it is the only one like it.

* * *

I spendthe day in the city overseeing operations. To my surprise, everything seems to be running smoothly. Of course, there is no army to speak of, but the city has been scrubbed clean of its terrible history, and the work on the new outer fortifications is proceeding steadily. It seems that the humans naturally have given themselves leaders during the time I have been neglecting my duties. I guess when an actual deity gives them their orders, they will obey even without the constant reminder of my wrath.

There is a steady input of grain and precious metals coming in from surrounding areas, and markets have reopened and seem to be flourishing. I would like to take credit for this, but I have barely done anything since slaying the Cult of the Dead. The humans have picked up the pieces of their city after the crisis independently. The fact that they are capable of running their own affairs this way makes me even more angry that we are here at all. What we are doing is complete exploitation and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Despite deserving none of the credit for whipping the city back into shape, I am obviously going to take all of it in my meeting tomorrow. The general will have been observing my work, but they can only see so much from up there. I have decided that I will address the problem of military and new leadership myself to get ahead of them. I will say that I have not yet found a candidate who could be trusted to take over after I leave. This is not a lie; it’s just that I have not even started to look. A part of me wants to leave Zanika in charge, but I know that they will never go for that. Why should control over Avaris be given to a slave? I don’t really have an acceptable answer for that. I can’t exactly come out and say that I think she has the intelligence and compassion that would make a great leader for the human race. They don’t care about the human race; they care about mining their resources and the political games we play with them. In a way, she would be the absolute wort candidate because she knows the truth.

I return from the city just before nightfall. For the first time, I am somewhat dreading my meeting with Zanika. I will have to tell her that I won’t be available tomorrow. It will be the first night we have not spent together in a week. The thought of it is giving me massive anxiety. I don’t know why, it’s just a night, but for some reason, it feels like more than that. Tomorrow night I will, once again, become Neb-en-khata. I’m worried that this duality I feel inside me will vanish once I return to my former identity. The thought of not caring for Zanika the way I do now is almost unbearable. I can no longer deny that I consider Zanika to be of great importance to me. I am bending rules and defying my orders to spend more time with her. This is not normal in any sense.

I hear the familiar knock on my door and Zanika lets herself in. I have decided I am going to tell her that I am bound to leave Yoria in two weeks’ time. I am going to explain everything to her and hope that she will still want to see me. I need her to want that.

I smile and walk up to her. I bend down and give her a kiss. She looks up at me, concerned. She can see through me every time. She can tell that everything’s not okay.Damn, why is this so hard?

---