Page 38 of Some Nights

11

Saona

Is this how every night in Baltimore is going to go? The past two visits I’ve spent the evenings agitated in my hotel.

I throw my head back and stare into the ceiling, trying to talk to God through the layers of concrete between us.Are you sending me signs that I need to let this go?

The dinner was going so well and all I wanted was for him not to waste his money. My per diem could cover it. All of a sudden, I’m meddling in how he spends his money. And what the actual fuck, we were on a date. I’m stupid for not realizing it but it’s not like he said the words. Nothing’s ever simple with that man…

…except getting naked.

Now we are back at square one again. The ride back was in complete silence, except for the “I’ll text you after work.”

I said okay because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to make things worse. But how do I make it better? It’s not like I can unstick the foot I shoved down my throat. Six years of marriage and apparently I still know nothing about men. So, I grab my phone and dial my expert.

“I’ve been waiting for you to call. I’ve been stuck in kid activities all day. Emmi wanted to go to the American Doll store but I told her you’re out of town. She settled for The Rat.”

The Rat is how Sierra refers to Chuck E. Cheese, a place we never went to as kids because my mom thought that’s where people with no money hung out with their kids. But my niece and nephew love it there.

“I’ll take her to the doll store next weekend. Sisi, I need your help.”

“Of course, you do.”

I’m tempted to hang up on her. “I messed up with Jax, twice. First, last night but we worked through that. But I messed up again today. I need you to help me fix it.”

"Oh God, girl. You went there to relax and spend extended time banging your casual piece. Youronlycasual piece, to my dismay. Because as I said, you should be fucking everything that's hot and makes you feel like a goddess now that you're single. But one guy that makes you feel like that is worth a million other mediocre ones. That whole bird in the hand thing. Anyway—"

I don’t have the time or patience for her rant. "Yes, I know what you want, Sisi. But one casual is enough and who knows if that's even going to be still happening after tonight?"

"Shit, you're breaking up with sexy, casual, beefy bartender that hits all the spots that count?"

Hang up now. "Sierra..."

She must hear the annoyance in my voice. "I'm sorry. I'll stifle myself. What the hell is happening over there?"

I start on last night and transition into today. "We went to dinner. He invited me, but I wanted to try this expensive steak and crab restaurant my team recommended. I wanted it to be my treat, paid for with my work meal stipend, but he wouldn't let me pay and I know it was super expensive. He paid and we had this bad argument later. I said I knew it was expensive and I didn't mind paying because he didn't need to spend all that money that he could be using for his place. He got super pissed and said if it’s a date, he’ll pay and that he wasn't like my fucking ex-husband."

"Mmhmmm"

I hate the way she drags the throaty sound. "What do you mean mmhmmm?"

She smacks her lips and I swear she’s doing everything in her power to annoy me.

"Why was it so wrong that he wanted to pay? He's the man and from what you told me about him, he's a man's man. He works with his hands and does things himself instead of hiring out."

"Yeah?"

She sighs. "Saona, the man obviously has pride. He's the type to want to take care of the woman. Which, you lucky bitch. You should be sitting back and letting him take care of you. Why aren’t you? Actually, here's the real question: if you are so casual about this man, why are you so bothered by the fact that he wants to treat you? Why are you not letting him do that?"

"Ummm." I have no answer.

"You're not supposed to be worried about breaking your casual piece's pocket. You're not supposed to be mentally allocating where his money is going. But you are, which leads me to believe that you're not casual like you think you are."

"I'm just trying to be considerate, that's all. Not everyone makes a lot of money and he has two jobs."Why is that so hard to understand?

"You like this guy.”

“No. I mean, yes. Of course. We’re cool.”

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