Page 76 of His Heart

Brooke

Two days went by,and I didn’t hear a word from Sebastian. I’d left his house with a horrendous hangover, but that hadn’t held a candle to how bad I felt for what I’d done.

For what it had felt like when he’d written me off.

He was done with me. I’d gone too far, and I knew there was no going back. I had no excuse. I’d let myself get completely out of control, and I’d done it on purpose. I hadn’t intended to put myself in danger, but I hadn’t cared if I did, either.

And for the first time, it mattered.

Letting random guys buy me drinks in bars, hopping on the back of Jared’s motorcycle when neither of us were sober, blowing off appointments or work—before I’d met Sebastian, none of those things had seemed to matter. I hadn’t really cared whether I lived or died, so why not take a risk? Chase the high? Disappear? The consequences hadn’t held any weight.

But seeing the hurt in Sebastian’s eyes, suddenly there was a consequence I cared about. Deeply.

He’d been trying to find me that night—afraid for me. And when he had, not only had I been completely shit-faced, I’d been with some other guy.

Hooking up hadn’t been on my agenda. I hadn’t gone looking for a one-night stand. If I’d been anywhere close to my right frame of mind, I wouldn’t have given those guys the time of day. Technically, I was single—no man had any claim on me. If something had happened with the guy from the bar, I wouldn’t have been cheating—I didn’t have anyone to cheat on.

Except it still felt wrong. And I knew what I’d done had hurt Sebastian just as it would have if he and I had been something more than what we were. Something more than friends.

That was the betrayal I’d seen in his face when he’d looked at me the next morning. I hadn’t had an answer to it. I’d wanted to apologize—I still did—but I didn’t know how. How could I look him in the eyes and ask for his forgiveness when I didn’t deserve it? Not from him. Not after hurting him like that.

I walked home from work, alone in the growing darkness. Thankfully Joe hadn’t fired me. I’d resolved to be stronger and not let myself get buried in apathy again. I didn’t want to lose my job and wind up like I’d been in Phoenix. But I didn’t have much confidence in my ability to hold to it. What would I do if—or when—the deadness overtook me? Would I be able to force myself to keep going? Was it possible to cope without completely self-destructing? I didn’t know.

Inside my house, the quiet was deafening. I’d thought about calling Sebastian so many times, but I hadn’t done it. I still didn’t know what to say. And his silence spoke a clear message. He didn’t want to hear from me, anyway.

Joe had brought us some takeout late in the afternoon, so I wasn’t hungry. I flipped on the TV—anything to cut the silence—and went into the kitchen to make tea. Maybe some chamomile would help me sleep.

There was a knock at my front door and my heart jumped. Oh my god, was it him?

I opened the door and my mouth hung open. It wasn’t Sebastian, but I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Olivia?

She was dressed in a thin white cardigan over a floral sundress, and sandals that showed her ruby red toenails. Her blond hair was down and she had a rolling suitcase sitting next to her.

“Hi,” she said.

I swallowed hard. Was I really looking at Olivia Harper, standing on my doorstep in Iowa City? “Hi.”

“Can I come in?” she asked, her voice hesitant. “Maybe?”

“Yeah, sure. You can come in.” I stepped aside and she rolled her suitcase inside. I closed the door behind her with a click and twisted the deadbolt.

“Thank you,” she said. “I’m sorry to show up unannounced like this, especially after, you know… everything.”

The tea kettle whistled. I was so shocked at the sight of Olivia, I wasn’t sure what to say. “Um, I’m making tea. Do you want to come in and have some?”

“Yeah,” she said with a small smile. “I’d love that.”

I turned off the TV, and she followed me into the kitchen. I bustled around, getting our tea ready, trying to figure out what the hell she was doing here. How she’d known where to find me. But I didn’t ask yet.

We took our mugs to the couch and sat down.

“Look, I’m basically incapable of bullshit, so I’m not going to dance around everything,” Olivia said. “The last time we saw each other, I was angry, and I took it out on you. I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

I closed my eyes for a moment against the sting of tears. The last time Olivia and I had seen each other, we’d gotten into an argument. I’d said some things I regretted too. But she’d told me I wasn’t really part of their family, so I should just take my mess and move on.

“I’m sorry too.” I swiped away a tear that broke free from the corner of my eye. “I’m sorry I pushed you and your family away like I did.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I pushed you away too. You didn’t deserve that.”

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