Page 40 of His Heart

I was a ghost, cursed with the torture of half-existence. Moving through the world as if I were alive. But all the important parts of me were dead. All that was left was a shell.

Sometimes I wondered if people could see through me. Did I look as washed out as I felt? Translucent, like a pale gossamer curtain blowing in the wind? Would I eventually fade into nothingness?

After I lost Liam, I’d tried. Tried so hard to keep myself together. I’d gone back to school when the new semester had started. Went to work. Did my homework. Paid my bills. For a while, anyway.

But little by little, I’d stopped doing those things. And of course, there had been consequences. Fail enough classes, and your admission is revoked. Miss enough work, and you get fired. Don’t pay your bills, and things get shut off.

Did any of it matter, if I wasn’t really alive?

The band finished their set and Jared worked his way over to me. Took his time, stopping to talk to some girl in a black halter top, her boobs spilling out. She looked like most of the girls in this place—rocker girls with lots of makeup, bright red lips, dressed in black. I stood out like a nun in a whorehouse in this place, with my breezy white peasant blouse, cut-off jeans, and collection of beaded bracelets on my wrists. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to change how I dressed for some guy.

Jared met my eyes again and sauntered through the crowd, like the fucking peacock he was. His shirt halfway unbuttoned, ripped jeans slung low on his hips.

“Hey, baby doll,” he said. His eyes flicked to Rick behind the bar. “Shot of Jack. And another one for my girl.”

I finished off the last of my current drink. If Jared was buying more, I wasn’t saying no.

“How’d we sound tonight?” He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and stuck one between his lips, then offered one to me.

I only smoked when I was drunk, but I was close enough. I took it between two fingers. “You sounded good.”

“Just good?” he asked, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. Rick slid his drink across the bar and Jared downed it in one swallow.

“Is your ego really that sensitive?” I asked. “If you need someone to flatter you, try Miss Huge Tits in the halter top over there.”

“God, I love it when you get jealous,” he said.

I laughed and took the shot of whiskey, but didn’t bother to correct him. If he wanted to think I was jealous, that was fine. I didn’t feel much of anything, so what did it matter?

“Come on, baby doll,” he said. “I need a smoke.”

He wrapped a possessive arm around me as we walked through the bar, heading for the door. Outside, the heat was still thick. It was unseasonably warm for spring, even in Phoenix.

“Fucking heat,” Jared muttered as he lit his cigarette. “Shouldn’t be so goddamn hot this time of year. Sometimes I think we should get the fuck out of this place.”

He lit mine and I took a drag. Blew out the smoke. Jared talked about leaving Phoenix all the time—usually to move to L.A. “Yeah, the heat sucks.”

His phone dinged and he pulled it out of his pocket. Typed something. I wandered up the sidewalk, my cigarette dangling from my fingers. I didn’t really want it, so I just let it burn. The smoke curled upward as the ash on the tip grew. I paused and stared at it, seeing her. Standing over me in the street, a cigarette pinched between her fingers. Still burning while she hit me. Liam’s voice behind me. What the hell are you doing?

I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know what I’m doing.

“Hey. Got a light?”

I hadn’t noticed the guy come up beside me. Too lost in my own head. He was dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans, a battered baseball cap on his head. He held up a cigarette and raised his eyebrows.

“Sorry, I don’t.”

He shrugged and tucked the cigarette behind his ear. “No big deal.”

“You can have mine,” I said, offering my half-burned cigarette. “I’m kind of just holding it. It’s going to waste.”

One corner of his mouth tugged upward as he took it from me. Placed his lips around the tip and inhaled. Turned and blew out the smoke. “That would have been better if you’d have left some lipstick on the tip.”

I stepped backward. “That wasn’t an invitation to hit on me. Sorry.”

The guy opened his mouth to say something, but Jared pushed his way between us.

“Move on, asshole,” Jared said.

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