Page 20 of His Heart

I nodded and my voice came out strained. “Yeah, just need a second.”

My heart resumed its normal rhythm and the pressure gradually eased. My phone buzzed in my pocket—it was probably Cami—but I needed to breathe through this first. I kept my focus, eyes on the floor. Air in, air out.

I looked up to find Charlie standing in front of me, his hands on his hips. “You good, man?”

“Yeah,” I said. Damn it, I didn’t want to mess with his routine. “Nothing serious. Just uncomfortable.”

“You sure?”

I met his eyes. “Yeah.”

He glanced around, then stepped closer and lowered his voice. “No tough guy shit with this, okay?”

“Yeah, man, I know,” I said. “Now get out of here and go make that North Dakota asshole cry.”

Charlie grinned. “Oh yeah, he’s fucked.”

I laughed a little, but Charlie’s confidence was well-earned. Even at the collegiate level, he was a tough competitor. I watched him wrestle, noting a minor mistake. If Coach didn’t point it out, I’d make sure to tell him. I tried not to focus on the fact that the guy I’d beaten last year was kicking ass this season. I was pumped for Charlie to win. But it was still shitty to be stuck on the sidelines.

After the last match, I followed the guys into the locker room. Another wrestler, a junior named Randy, was out for the season too. He’d torn his rotator cuff in practice last week and he’d need surgery soon. He slapped guys on the back, congratulated them on their wins. There were handshakes and bro fists.

I realized, as I sat on a bench off to the side, that no one was treating me like an injured team member. Maybe it was because I hadn’t started the season with them. A lot of these wrestlers were guys I didn’t know well. Older than me, or freshmen who’d come from different high schools. We hadn’t bonded like teammates yet.

But even the guys I did know—guys I’d wrestled with for years—looked at me differently.

Everyone knew who I was. Sebastian McKinney, Iowa state champion. But that’s not what they saw when they looked at me now. They saw the wrestler who’d collapsed at state. The guy who was still too sick to wrestle. Who’d lost twenty pounds since last season and couldn’t work out to put the muscle back on. The guy who had some weird heart condition most people mispronounced.

I’d been trying to deny how much my illness had changed me. Trying to hold on to the guy I’d been before the state finals. Tough. Focused. The best at what I did. My entire identity had hinged on being an athlete. It was all I knew.

But I wasn’t him anymore. I could no more win a wrestling match than run a mile. Hell, I could barely walk a mile.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, remembering I’d gotten a text.

Cami: Busy tonight, babe. Not sure about this weekend. The girls want to go to a thing. If you’re up for it, you can come.

A thing probably meant a frat party. Just the thought of a crowded house full of dumbasses drinking beer out of plastic cups was exhausting. She knew I didn’t have the energy for something like that. I could tell she was getting bored of our usual stay-in-and-watch-a-movie routine, but what the fuck did she expect me to do? Maybe I should have texted her back, but I didn’t.

I heard some of the guys making plans to go out—probably to grab some food. I got up and slipped out of the locker room. I didn’t want their pity invite. And the truth was, I’d have said no anyway. My limbs were heavy and the pressure in my chest was wearing me down. I was so fucking tired.

I took the bus back to my dorm and tossed my wrestling season pass in the garbage. What was the point of sitting on the sidelines? The rest of the team didn’t give a shit if I was there. I made them uncomfortable. Even my old friends didn’t know what to say to me anymore. These guys lived and breathed wrestling. I couldn’t practice, couldn’t work out. I could barely make it to my classes.

Whoever—whatever—I was now, it wasn’t a state champion wrestler. I was just a kid with a sick heart. A guy who spent more time in doctor’s offices than college parties.

A guy who didn’t know who he was anymore.

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