Page 120 of His Heart

He shifted in his seat and looked at me. It was hard not to flinch under the heat of his gaze. “I’m not trying to scare you.”

“Okay,” I said. “Then what are we doing out here?”

“Do you remember the first time we met?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Something happened that day. I can’t explain how I knew who you were. I’d never seen you before. I had no idea what you looked like. But I knew you.” He put his hand on his chest. “This heart knew you. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it’s true. It’s why I approached you. Why I insisted you take my phone number. There was a connection between us, from that first moment.”

“I know.”

“But that’s not why I fell in love with you. I fell for you because of who you are, not because of what’s in here.” He tapped his chest again. “I fell in love with your spirit, even when it was hidden by sadness. I fell in love with your sense of humor and that spark of adventure you let out sometimes. With your body and the way it fit together perfectly with mine. I fell in love with the way you made me feel alive again.”

He paused and looked down for a second. “Loving you is both the easiest and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At first, I thought the fact that my heart had been his would be too much. That maybe you’d been too hurt to love someone again—especially me. But that wasn’t the case, and for a while there, god it was fucking good. We were amazing together, Brooke.”

I nodded.

“I recognized something in your eyes,” he said. “I saw it when we met, and I see it now. It’s the same look I had when I was waiting for a new heart. I wasn’t really waiting for a transplant. I was waiting to die. And I know you’ve been through hell. But goddammit, you don’t have to keep living in it. Because you’re alive. You didn’t die.”

“I know.”

“Do you?” he asked. “Because I’m not sure.”

He was right. I wasn’t entirely sure either.

“You know what the craziest thing about this whole situation is? You reminded me how to live again. The girl who can’t seem to decide if she’s going to live or die is the one who showed me what living is. Jesus, Brooke, don’t you realize that? I wasn’t living before. I was existing. I kept trying to play it safe. But I don’t want safe. I want passion. I want to take risks. I want to push boundaries and try shit I’ve never done and go places I’ve never been. You brought that out in me.”

Tears burned my eyes, but I didn’t know what to say.

“I’ve tried everything,” he said. “I tried to help you. I tried to love you. I even tried to live without you, and that’s been a fucking nightmare. But through all of it, I realized something. I can’t fix you. I can’t make you want to live. That has to come from you.”

He looked out the windshield and took a deep breath. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep trying to drag you through your own life, hoping you’ll wake up and start living it. I can’t save you, Brooke. You have to save yourself.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I can’t be your hero,” he said. “Because you don’t need one. No one has the power to do this for you. I can be here to support you and love you, but ultimately, none of that is enough if you don’t choose to live.”

I nodded and looked down at my hands. I knew he was right about that, too.

“But here’s the thing,” he said. “I love you, and I’ve told you before, I don’t take that lightly. But I can’t go on like this. It hurts too goddamn much. I also know I can’t live without you. It’s like there’s something inside of me that’s intertwined with you. Living without you isn’t an option.”

He paused and I looked up. I’d never been afraid of him, but I was now. Afraid of the truth—and the unwavering resolve in his eyes.

“You need to decide, right now,” he said. “Are you going to live, or are you going to die? And whatever you decide, I’m going with you.”

“What?”

“If you don’t want to live—if you just can’t do it—put the car in drive and stomp on the gas. Get it over with.”

I looked in horror out the windshield. We were only feet from the cliff. It wouldn’t take more than a few seconds to reach it. We’d drive right over, and—

“But if you do want to live—and I mean really live, Brooke. No more self-destructive, reckless bullshit. No more checking out and pushing everyone away. If you want to live your life, put it in reverse. Pull back. We’ll switch seats and I’ll drive us home. But you have to make the choice, right now. And whatever you decide is for both of us. If you’re going over the cliff, I’m fucking going with you. Because I know, in the deepest place in my soul, that I can’t live without you. I love you, and I don’t know how to do anything half-assed. It’s the way I’m built. I go all in, or I don’t go at all. So if you want to live, with me, put the car in reverse. But if you don’t, gun this fucker and we’ll go out together.”

I stared at him, my lips parted. It felt as if my heart had stopped. He wasn’t bluffing. He hadn’t brought me out here to scare me into making the choice to live. For all he knew, I’d put the car in drive and kill us both. And he was completely willing to risk it.

He sat motionless. Silent. Giving me time.

He was right. I kept wavering back and forth, between living and fading away. In the process, I’d hurt people I loved. Hurt him.

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