Page 104 of His Heart

“Um, I’m sorry if this is too personal, but are you an addict too? I only ask because the men she dated when I was a kid always were.”

He shook his head. “Naw, never touched the stuff. Well, I smoke, and I reckon that’s what’ll put me in my grave someday. But I don’t even drink much, let alone the other stuff.”

“So, she was sober and doing well when you moved here,” I said. “How long ago did she relapse?”

“I can’t say for sure,” he said. “I only found out a few days before the wreck. But I work two jobs, so I’m not here all that much. She had a job too, but I guess a few months back, she’d started missing work. Didn’t tell me about it. She got fired a few weeks ago for not showing up. Didn’t tell me that either. I was at work when she got in the wreck. If I’d been with her, I wouldn’t have let her drive.”

The guilt in his voice cut through me. “No, it wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for what she did.”

He shook his head, his eyes on the floor. “I swear to you, I tried everything. And she’d been doing so good for so long. I thought the worst was over.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, my voice quiet. “But thank you for helping her. I always wanted to believe that it was possible for her to get better. That maybe she was happy somewhere. It sounds like she was, for a little while anyway.”

“The worst part is, I should have known better,” he said. “People are who they are, Brooke. You can’t change them. I couldn’t change your mama. I think I always knew it was going to end this way. I wanted to believe she could change, but some things are so deeply ingrained, you may as well be trying to shoot the moon out of the sky. Didn’t matter how long she went without drinking, or the drugs, or picking fights with me. Eventually, it always came back to that. She always went back to being who she was.”

I stared at him, a deep sense of dread filling me. The air felt thick and my eyes were dry and gritty. Suddenly, I had to get out of there. “Okay, well, thanks for meeting me. I hope… I hope you’ll be okay. But I’m sorry, I don’t think I can stay.”

“Oh, hang on a minute. I have something for you.”

He got up and disappeared through a door. My back clenched painfully and my stomach roiled with nausea. I almost got up and left—this place was suffocating me—but Mack came out, holding a black plastic file box.

“This is some stuff you might want to keep,” he said. “I’m not sure what all’s in it, but she always took care to make sure we had it when we moved and whatnot.”

I stood and took the box. It wasn’t heavy enough to be full of files, but it definitely had weight. “Okay, thank you.”

He nodded. “And Brooke, I’m sorry. She talked about you a lot. About how smart you are, and how pretty. I think she wanted to see you again, but she was afraid.”

My eyes filled with tears. I took a deep breath so they wouldn’t spill. Not yet. “Thanks, Mack. I’m glad to know she had some happy times with you. Even if it ended badly.”

“Me too,” he said. “Will I see you at the funeral?”

“Yeah,” I said, even though it was a lie. “I’ll see you then. Take care.”

* * *

The music was louderthan I remembered. It wasn’t live, although it reminded me of Jared’s band. I wondered what had happened to those guys. With their front man in jail, they’d probably gone their separate ways. I couldn’t even remember most of their names.

“Well, holy shit,” Rick said. He walked down the bar to where I sat in the last stool at the far end. “Look at you, kiddo. Long time, no see.”

“Hi, Rick,” I said.

“The usual?” he asked.

I hesitated for a second, knowing this was all a terrible idea. There was no reason for me to be here. But I’d gone back to my hotel and felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Everything Mack had said raced through my brain, kicking up the dust of faded memories. Bringing up old pain.

“Sure,” I said, although I didn’t remember what my usual had been.

He left for a moment and came back with a glass of what looked like whiskey.

“You look good,” he said, sliding the glass across the bar. “What have you been up to?”

“I moved to Iowa.”

“No shit?” He grabbed a towel and wiped a few spots on the bar. “What for?”

“I needed a change,” I said.

“What brought you back here?” he asked. “Tired of freezing your ass off?”

“No.” I took a sip. It wasn’t good, but I could drink it. “I just had to take care of some things. I’m not staying.”

He nodded. “I’m glad you came by, then. I wondered what had happened to you.”

I could tell by his tone that he’d had his theories, and they hadn’t been good. I swallowed the rest of my drink. “Yeah, I guess I kind of disappeared. I’m okay, though.”

“Good.” He took my glass and went to refill it.

I didn’t stop him.

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