Page 41 of Just Breathe

Aiden finally got up to sit, rubbing my back, almost like he was encouraging me. “It’s ok. If you need to let it out, do it.”

I took a deep breath. “Well, the pile up that happened brought many people, but there was one family that was the worst.” I swallowed the sob that threatened to escape. “It was a mother and twin six-year-old daughters. The mom came in dead on arrival, the daughters came in fighting for their lives. I helped with daughter A, her lung was collapsed, multiple fractures and she had internal bleeding. We had to get her straight to surgery to stop the bleeding.

On our way up, she flatlined. I started chest compressions as someone gave her oxygen through a bag and gave her a shot of adrenaline. We reached the OR, not being able to get her heart restarted. When I got back down to the ER, I learned her sister did not make it either. They died within minutes of each other. The father had arrived. They told him about his wife and daughters.” I tried swallowing back the emotion, and it was too much. The memory of the father crying haunted me, giving me the chills as I cried. Aiden kept rubbing my back in comfort.

“You don’t have to keep going.” Nathan’s voice sounded off as he came closer, laying a land on my thigh while Callum took my hand.

“I came down with the news that his other daughter did not make it. He looked at me like I just stole his world away. He fell on his knees and broke down wailing while I just stared at him in horror because in a heartbeat he lost everything. Just like I had.” Someone handed me a Kleenex. I blew my nose and wiped my tears. “I felt awful, but it didn’t hit me until I heard him telling someone that he didn’t want to be here if his wife and children weren’t here, that he couldn’t bear to be left here alone and have to deal with their loss.”

I cried into my hands, thinking this was exactly what was so hard. Why did I survive and they didn’t? I had survivor’s guilt, and it was fucking awful.

“Why did I survive? Why do I have to live with the pain of their loss while they died and get to stay together?” I rambled as I cried.

“Your story is still being written.” Aiden pulled me against his chest, keeping me faced towards the guys. “I don’t think anyone knows why they survive while everyone they love and care about dies around them. Callum and I should have died twice. Only us and a handful of soldiers made it during a mission.”

“I should have definitely died one time and for whatever reason, I was spared. Our good buddy Mark died instead of me and for months I felt guilty because he had a wife and son. What made me so special? He left a family who relied on him, and I had no one.” Callum scooted closer to us until all of them surrounded me. “We can’t live life wondering why things happen. They just do. It might be fate; it might be destiny. Who knows?” Callum's hands found my face and wiped my tears.

I took a deep breath, feeling some of the weight of guilt leave me. I was here for a reason, and I needed to stop feeling guilty and live.

“Feel better?” Nathan asked, sounded a lot closer than I expected him to be. I saw him more now that the sun was rising.

“I think so, or at least I hope I will be. Thanks for listening. At home, it feels no one listens and just tells me it will get better. My therapist has always said my family isn’t helping, but I never listened.”

“Families are overrated,” Callum said, pulling away.

“I think we can all agree on that.” Aiden pulled away, too.

“Thank God. Sometimes I feel like my family is the only weird one. Well, except my oldest and youngest brother. My mother and other brother are bat shit crazy.” I took another deep breath. “Thank you for helping me. I don’t know if anyone else would have and I’m glad I had a safe space to have a breakdown, because who knows how it would have done if I was by myself.”

“You don’t have to thank us. Alright, lets gets some food in you.” Nathan jumped off the bed. “Any requests?” The sun was coming in more, showing me, he had no shirt on displaying his impressive physique. Jesus Christ, he was so yummy.

“Uh…” Callum was looking at me with a smirk, like he knew I was checking Nathan out. Jesus, he wasn’t wearing a shirt too. All those tattoos on display were amazing, not to mention the amazing body he had too. He had a gnarly bruise on his ribs, making me linger on his six-pack. I mentally eye rolled at myself because fuck, why did they have to be so hot while I probably look like death. “Waffles.” I finally said.

“That I can do.” He walked out the door.

“Belgian waffles!” I yelled now that he didn’t distract me.

Aiden chuckled behind me. I turned around at him and thank God he had a shirt on. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.” He looked at me like he wasn’t too sure I wasn’t over my episode. “If you ever feel you can’t do it alone, you are always welcome here.”

I smiled while trying not to breakdown again, thinking I didn’t deserve their kindness, but I would be forever grateful.

“Thanks.” I looked at Callum. “Thanks for not leaving me and for basically having to clean me up.” I felt my cheeks get red from embarrassment.

He nodded at me when I hoped he would have said he was ok with it. I needed reassurance, but I think that’s all I was going to get. “Alright, I’m going to go freshen up.” I got up and went to the bathroom, hoping I didn’t look awful, but just from the way my face felt, I knew I was puffy. I did my business and tried to get my hair in order. It was a rat’s nest, and I didn’t have a hair tie, so I just left it down. I wore an enormous shirt and some boxers that I had to roll to keep them up. I walked back out and went to the kitchen to find all the guys there.

I smelled coffee and Nathan greeted me with a cup. “You should probably drink some water, too.” Aiden slid a glass over to me as I sat down.

I chugged the glass of water as the guys talked about work. “Shit. I’m so sorry you missed work yesterday.” I realized I was even more of an inconvenience.

“It’s fine. We had some workers yesterday. We could spare Nathan and Callum.” Aiden took a sip of his coffee, giving me a small smile.

“If you ever need another mental health day, I don’t mind staying home with you.” Nathan turned around from the stove, smiling at me, still shirtless. “I think she needs someone home with her today.”

I smiled as I remembered he wasn’t a big fan of this type of work. “I don’t think I have the heart to ask for another day from you guys. If it’s ok, I want to go see the house today.”

Nathan looked sad, making me laugh.

“The tile in the restrooms are done, and the flooring came in. I’m hoping we can have it done in the next couple of days,” Aiden said, leaning over the island.

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