Page 17 of Just Breathe

Jane

Iwas rudely awakened by my ringing phone. Snatching it off the nightstand, I squinted at the too-bright screen to see a number I didn’t recognize. I let it ring, hoping it was a wrong number. Before I could set it down, it rang again. Fuck my life, this better be a life-or-death call or I’m going to be pissed.

“Hello.” My voice was scratchy from sleep.

“Jane Ramos?” a woman asked.

“Yeah, this is she. Who is this?” I replied, trying not to sound irritated.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, but this is Michelle from St. Mary’s hospital. I got your number from Dr. Stevens. He said you were in town and willing to pick up a couple of shifts while you were here.” I got up from my bed as she spoke. “I know this is last minute, but are you available today?”

I hadn’t planned on working this early into my trip, but I might as well start because I needed to pay for the rental and whatever I was spending here. I internally groaned because I was not looking forward to working, but I couldn’t live off my husband’s life insurance forever.

“Uh Jane?” Michelle pulled me out of my inner laziness battle.

“I’m sorry. I’m still trying to wake up, but I am available. Did Dr. Steven make you aware of my pay requirements?” I asked, rolling out of bed to turn the lights on.

“I’m sorry it’s so early, but I’m in dire need of an ER nurse like two weeks ago and my staff is drowning in overtime. I meant to call you last night, but we got so busy here, I didn’t get a chance. Yes, I am aware of your pay requirements and I’m willing to offer you that and a housing and food stipend.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Housing and food? This might just be worth it, and I won’t feel so guilty being here. “That sounds great. What time do you need me?” I pulled my suitcase from under the bed and opened it to get my scrubs out.

“Would it be possible to be here at eight am? I know you’re in Mountain View, so I know it will take you about an hour and a half to get here, so again I apologize for the last-minute call.” She sounded worried that I might turn down the position at any minute.

“I’ll try my best to get there by eight, since I don’t know how traffic is out here and I’d like to eat before I started my shift. Is it a twelve-hour shift?” I laid out my scrubs, getting all my under garments ready as well.

“I understand. Whenever you can make it in, I will be happy and yes, regular twelve-hour shifts. It’s usually seven to seven, but I know that it’s impossible to ask you to be here at that hour. If you can park in the employee parking lot and come in through the side door to the ER, ask for me when you get here. We can handle paperwork and everything when you get here.” I heard the doors opening and closing, with the familiar chatter of the hospital.

“Sounds great. I’ll see you soon,” I said, getting my comfy tennis shoes out.

“Drive carefully,” Michelle said, and I hung up the phone.

After Henry and the baby died, I couldn’t go back to working the ER. It was too painful, but I knew eventually I would have to go back soon. There was a lot of money to be made in the ER and I enjoyed working there. The hard part – the part I wasn’t sure I could handle – was seeing trauma patients going through the same kind of life-changing event that I had.

Was I ready to deal with the reality that what happened to us was an everyday occurrence? That even though I felt like I was missing a piece of myself, devastated with our outcome, that it happened all the time to families everywhere? I wasn’t anyone special and my pain wasn’t either. Maybe throwing myself in at the deep end was the best way to overcome my fear.

I got ready quickly and was out of the condo by ten past six and walking towards my car, smelling the delicious bake goods that the local coffee shop offered. After that awkward encounter, I’d told myself I wouldn’t go back there, butdamntheir food was amazing. I pulled my big girl panties as high as they could go and walked to the coffee shop. It was only a matter of time before I’d get the husband questions and I just needed to get over it because it’s not like I could get out of it. The doorbell chimed as I passed over the threshold. The register was unmanned, giving me hope that the same girl wasn’t working, and I was free from the awkwardness.

“I’m sorry, I was restocking some pastries.” The same girl walked through the door that led to what I assumed was the kitchen. I knew I wasn’t that lucky. “Oh! Hey welcome back.” She looked a little nervous.

“Good morning.” I smiled, hoping she wouldn’t remember the weirdness of our last meeting.

“I’m sorry, we’ve met a few times and I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Darcy.” She held out her hand and smiled.

I smiled back and took her hand. “I’m Jane. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m sorry about last time. I didn’t know, and I feel like such an idiot.” She looked guilty, and I appreciated the sentiment.

“No need to apologize. You couldn’t have known.” It took everything I had not to become emotional. “Let’s put it behind us and start fresh.”

“That sounds great.” She looked relieved. “So, what can I get you?”

I looked up at the menu, deciding I wanted something different from just drip coffee. “I’ll take a hazelnut latte with a potato and egg breakfast burrito and one chocolate croissant.”

“Anything else?” she asked as she was ringing me up.

“Mmmmm.” I debated getting something else because I didn’t know if I’d have a chance to grab something to eat. “I’ll actually take another burrito, so two total.”

“I can’t get enough of those burritos, either.” Darcy smiled as I gave her my credit card to run.

---