Page 78 of April Renegade

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Despite how the meeting went with Mike and Pete, the band unanimously told Ash to do the interview withGQ. Pete didn’t exactly say no, but from what I’d heard about the whole thing, he wasn’t exactly cheering Ash on, either. Honestly, I’d noticed he’d become more self-absorbed and less understanding several years back. Still, I didn’t think he’d be so black and white about our situation.

Now, a little over a week later, I stare at the brand-new copy of March’sGQwith Ash on the cover. It was a giant, stressful rush to get the photos and interview finished on time, but they’d managed. Ash brought the magazine home with him several minutes ago, threw it down on the coffee table, and then hopped in the shower without a word. I knew he needed time to be alone, so I didn’t ask him how he was feeling. Not yet.

I bite down on the inside of my cheek as complete lust overtakes me as I stare at my man on the cover. I know he was nervous as all hell throughout the shoot and interview, but I can’t help ogling his tall frame in the photo as he poses in front of the camera dressed in a coral suit. The giant “GQ” letters are printed above the top of his head. He doesn’t wear an undershirt, and you can see every defining line of his torso. His loafers are glitzed out and rainbow—becauseof coursethey are. Though, I must admit, the shoes go really well with the suit. There’s no denying it.Ash is decked out in several rings alongside a statement necklace. They slicked his short hair back, somehow, and I’m impressed at how well the style suits him. I don’t know how long I stare at the cover, but I vow to get it framed as soon as possible.

With a shake of my head and a steady drum roll in my heart, I flip through the pages until I reach the interview. I’m anxious as anything to read the extensive interview, but first, I want to look at the pictures beside it, because I obviously have no self-control.

Damn, they did good. In one picture, he’s posed on a barstool and dressed up in something he’d wear on stage—he might not typically go for a yellow beanie, but it suits his complexion. In another, he’s holding up a sign that says, “Say Gay!” above his head. The only article of clothing is a pair of sinfully tight, ripped jeans that probably cost more than my mortgage payment. Nonetheless, pride courses through me. After thinking he’d never come to terms with who he truly is, he did it. We still have a long way to go—announcing our relationship to everyone and dealing with whatever backlash he might receive after people get a hold of the magazine—but my heart flutters as all my love for the man taking a shower in the next room wells up inside my chest.

Finally, I turn my attention to the interview.

I asked Ash Lancing to do an interview with me regarding the recent break in his engagement with American model, Lizette Carol. What I didn’t expect was for him to reply to me and provide me with the opportunity of a lifetime.

Ash and I met somewhere quiet—in fact, it was just at my office in New York City. He came in wearing a white t-shirt, skinny jeans, and shades. A lot of times, meeting with rock ‘n roll stars makes me nervous, but as soon as Ash sat down across from me in my seating area, I felt I’d known him for a long time. (No, I’m not just saying that!)

I decided to address the proverbial elephant in the room after we exchanged pleasantries. Ash was a little nervous. He tapped his booted foot up and down on the bohemian rug below us, so I blurted it out: “You’re gay.”

To my delight, my comment made him laugh. He nodded and leaned forward in his seat, eyes ablaze with a newfound freedom that only manifests when a person comes to terms with their true identity.

“I’m gay.”

Over the next two hours, several cups of coffee, two bathroom breaks, and getting off the topic more than I care to admit, I asked Ash how he knew. When he knew. You know—the kind of things you’d want to ask a dear friend who’s just come out to you.

Ash blew out a long breath and leaned back on the sofa. He looked out the window, down to the raging city below us and began. “Jason, I’m going to tell you something that a lot of people don’t know about me.” He took a long pause, almost like he was purposely letting the suspense build around us. I tapped my pen silently on my thigh and watched as the seconds from my recording app ticked up.

“I had a really shitty childhood. Like, really bad. My parents destroyed my stuff if I played music too loud. They were addicts–pills, alcohol, cocaine–pretty much anything they could get their hands on. They’re probably still addicts; I don’t know. Anyway, they called me horrible things. Typically homophobic, awful slurs, even though I didn’t evenknowI was gay then.” Ash paused for a moment and ran a hand through his hair, deep in contemplation. “I left at eighteen and never looked back. It took a great friend to make me realize what a true family looks like.” He talked more about his parents for a while, but after a little back and forth, I agreed with Ash to focus on the here and now, and not his past.

Eventually, he got around to answering my original questions.

“I wasn’t attracted to anyone until I was almost out of my teenage years. Sexually, I mean.” The last part was said after a low chuckle. “I thought I was asexual, but in reality, it took a certain person for my sexual awakening to come. I don’t know if it’s because of the rough past or what, but being intimate with anyone, kissing, sex, all that? It wasn’t on my priority list.”

Ash shrugged and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “For too many years, I’ve hidden a very large part of what makes me, me. I locked it in a small box, buried it somewhere deep inside of me, and tried to ignore it. I thought it would be better that way. Honestly? I was scared. Hell, I’m still terrified out of my fucking mind to be sitting here with you, discussing this. But I have to. In order to be honest with my fans, and to be honest to myself, I have to come out to the world.”

I realize that I’m crying, and I don’t want to get my tears on the magazine, so I rub my eyes with my long-sleeve thermal and read on.

When I brought up his ex-model fiancée, he frowned.

He looked up at me and shook his head. “Lizzy deserves the world. For the rest of my life, the consequences of my actions and all that I’ve put Lizzy through will haunt me.” Ash struggled to go on. He chewed on his bottom lip for a while, but finally resumed after a long sip of water.

“The thing is, I thought I could ‘get over’ being gay. Now I know, that’snothow this goes. I dragged Lizette down with me in those delusions. Even after everything, after I told her I was gay, she allowed us to break off our engagement publicly in a civil manner. She didn’t have to do that. Truly, she is one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. I hope you don’t mind me saying during this interview how sorry I am. To Lizette, to her fans, and to my own. An apology doesn’t count for much unless you back it up with your actions moving forward. I’ve learned that through a ton of trial and error. But I mean it.”

Though it wasn’t an easy topic to speak about, Ash and I continued on for a while after that. Finally, I asked him if he was seeing anyone now.

Ash raised a pointed brow in my direction and smirked.“That’s a question that I’d better leave off as ‘To Be Continued’…”

There are several more paragraphs to read, but as soon as I hear Ash turn off the shower, I place the magazine down on the couch where I was seated and rush to him.

Steam rolls out and into the hall as soon as I whip the door open. Ash is naked, placing the towel around his waist after using it to dry his hair. I pull him into me and cling to him. We end up on the bathroom floor cradling one another and crying. The magazine marks the end of a decade of secrecy and heartache, and in return, holds the promise of an entirely new beginning for us.

We stay on the floor until we’re ready to emerge into our brand-new world.

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