Page 286 of The Long Way Home

“She told me you put all her vegetables she just bought into the dishwasher.”

“I was trying to clean them!” I yell a little bit and he starts laughing. “I didn’t want her to catch E. coli. It’s not my fault vegetables wilt.”

He smiles over at me, looks at me in this way that makes me feel like we’re at school again. I’m fifteen on a yacht in the Balearics and his nose is pressed up against mine how I wish it really was now and he’s promising he’ll love me forever.

BJ clears his throat. The memory fades away.

“Like that.” He juts his chin at my dress from Rodarte. “Always fancied you in polka dots.”

I look cute as a fucking button tonight.

Black ribbed-knit cropped cardigan from Versace, the embellished polka dot silk-twill midi dress, and the fire engine red 105mm lock stiletto sandals poppy from Tom Ford.

He licks his bottom lip and eyes me as he smiles over.

“You know what I was thinking about?”

I face him a little more, touch his shirt because Julian’s not here and I can.

Blue hooded flannel jacket from Greg Lauren, Saint Laurent 50’s Signature Destroyed T-Shirt and the light blue Cutoff 874 work pants from Dickies.

“What?”

“The night you and Christian called it?”

My face falters, confused. “Why?”

He shrugs. “Just been on my mind.”

He gives me a look, squinting as he does.

“You think she did it on purpose?”

“Paili?” I pull back, surprised.

He nods.

I shake my head at him. No way.

He shrugs in tacit disagreement. “I don’t know anymore.”

We were at Perry’s birthday dinner. BJ and I hadn’t spoken since the night he beat Christian up at Box. I saw him up at the tree on December 3rd but that was it.

I didn’t say anything to him then either.

Just, leaned on his shoulder. Wrote E = MC² in the dirt with my shoe while he wasn’t looking, prayed to whoever that they’d let me find my way back to him, and then I left and went back to Christian.

I’ve always been like this. I don’t know how to be alone.

It’s all BJ’s fault.

He’s always been too good at making sure I never felt alone. So in his absence I’m petrified to sit with myself.

Anyway, for Perry’s birthday we were all supposed to be going away all together. His insistence. At dinner that night Paili was going through room allocations in her mind at the table.

“Me and Perry, Beej and Jonah... Christian and Parks.”

All our faces froze.

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