Page 239 of The Long Way Home

I sigh, annoyed. “He likes my body.”

“He likes you.” Gus gives me a look.

Bridget purses her lips. “He is protective of you.”

“Yeah—” I roll my eyes. “He was really protective of me the other week when he dumped me and left me on the side of the road.”

“I thought you weren’t together?” Gus asks, eyebrows up.

“We aren’t.” I shrug defensively.

Gus shrugs petulantly. “Can’t dump someone you’re not with.”

I roll my eyes. “You know what I mean—”

“Well,” Bridget says with a gesture to herself. “I personally never know what you mean…”

“Well anyway,” I say loudly, “I said something he didn’t like and he said we’re done. On the spot. Dropped me outside of our place in the dead of night—”

“—It was 9pm!” Bridget interjects.

“—Right on the street!” I ignore her. “That’s not what you do if you like someone.” I’m sure of this. Maybe before that night I might have wondered, but that was the answer. Julian doesn’t like me. I am disposable to him too. Which is fine. I feel fractionally ill over the thought, but it’s fine. Because I love BJ and it’s fine.

Gus gives me a little look. “And yet here you are… at lunch with us. Together.”

“Well, then we saw each other again, and I don’t know—” I shrug.

“I do.” Gus blinks a few times. “He loves you.”

“August.” I sigh, annoyed. “I know he doesn’t love me.”

“How?”

“Because he doesn’t look at me like…” I trail off, give them both a tight smile. I don’t know why saying his name felt rather difficult just then.

“BJ?” My sister jumps in. “Magnolia, that can’t be the benchmark. No one is going to look at you like BJ looks at you.”

“Although, Julian is surprisingly…” Gus trails off now, thinking of the right word. “…Tender towards you?” He peers over at me. “I’ve seen him with other girls. He’s not like that.”

That is true, I’ll give them that. Sometimes Julian’s tenderness with me takes me aback. And I might have worried about it before, but then he dumped me. And you don’t dump people you want to be with completely out of the blue because they ask you a question you don’t feel like answering.

He doesn’t like me. He might like facets of being with me, he might like my body, he might like having someone he can be sweet to because who else could he be like that with? I think all people have this side to them, all people have this capacity for gentleness inside of them, but when does a gang lord who hates being in love ever get to explore it if not with me inside of the strange feelingless vacuum we’ve created?

“You love a wake of destruction behind you, don’t you? Just a trail of forlorn and pining men.”

“Gus.” I frown, feeling picked on.

“What?” He folds his arms over his chest, unimpressed with me. “You do.”

“It’s not completely your fault,” Bridget jumps in, defending me.

“No—” Gus nods. “They let you do it. You kind of siren them in with those eyes—” I roll them at him. “And then they love you, and then they’re miserable because you’ve only ever loved one boy and one day you will — god willing — sort yourselves the fuck out and be together. And then you’re going to break his little gang lord heart.”

I laugh at that, shake my head at his ridiculousness.

“Are you kidding?” I push my hair over my shoulders the same way I’ll push this thought away. “That’s Julian Haites. I couldn’t break his heart if I hit it with a sledgehammer.”

“Baby girl—” Gus gives me a look. “You are the sledgehammer.”

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