Page 321 of The Long Way Home

Has she? I don’t know. The sadness she’s wearing here in my arms feels too thick if she’s forgiven me.

“He… is the love of my life,” Parks tells her. “You? You are nothing to me anymore.”

Paili’s head pulls back. “How can you say that to me?”

“As easy as could you do that to me,” Parks spits.

Paili shakes her head a little. “Did you know what it was like to be your best friend? To grow up next to you? The other girl with Magnolia Parks?” Paili sucks in her bottom lip. Shrugs. Doesn’t look at me when she says this next part, keeps her eyes on Parks. “I loved him too.”

Magnolia physical countenance falls. Feel it collapse in my arms. Bit shattered.

“He was my first kiss,” Paili tells her. “Seven minutes in heaven in Jonah’s closet and he never saw anyone but you—”

That’s true. That’s all true.

“I knew you liked me, Pails.” I tell Paili. “I should never have kissed you that night at my flat. I was fucked up.”

Paili shakes her head defiantly. “You weren’t drunk,” she tells me and I reckon she’s looking for a reason to think I might love her a bit too.

I shake my head at her. “Different kind of fucked up.” Offer her a shrug. “It’s always been her.” I rest my head on Parks’s head, try to steady her crumbling heart.

Paili’s mouth pulls a little.

She looks sad, like that hurt her a bit. Seems weird that she doesn’t already know that. Seems sad that she hasn’t realised that already.

She nods.

“It was a mistake,” I tell her.

She nods again. “I know.”

“The mistake started with me,” I tell her and Parks goes stiff in my arms, holds me tighter and something about it makes me want to cry. “I’m sorry,” I tell Paili.

I feel Parks slump into my arms a little more. Like I’m deflating her on the spot.

“Magnolia—” Paili starts.

“Please just leave,” Parks tells her, barely.

Paili swallows once. “I’m so sorry,” she says and then she walks away.

Parks pushes out of my arms, walks ahead of me. Grab the bags, jog after her. She takes a sharp turn down Burlington Arcade. Chest is heaving, face looks pale. I pull her to the side, take the bags from her hands. Drop them. Hold her face, find her eyes.

“I’m so sorry—” I shake my head. “Parks. I’m so sorry.”

I feel sick. Her face looks like she’s seen a ghost. She has, I suppose. Her hands are trembling. People are staring. I want to kill them all. Last thing she needs is this on the internet too.

Of all the ways how what me and Paili did killed her, the world knowing that I fucked her over with her best friend was probably the part that stung her the most.

“Come on—” I nod towards an empty taxi, pushing her into the back of it. “Park Lane, please,” I tell the cabby.

Turn to her. Hate myself. She can’t keep her eyes up, they’re all weighed down with tears. Nudge her chin up.

“Parks.” I shake my head at her. “What can I do?”

Staggered breath. She’s staring out the window, those green eyes all blue now.

“Tell me you love me,” she says. She can’t even look at me.

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