Page 58 of Dare To Love Me

LUCA

The silence dominating the car was daunting. The clock on the dash board read just after two AM. I kept glancing Becka’s way to see if she was still conscious. A blind man could see she was weary to the bone. She stared out the window with her knees curled in tight.

She’d gone to that place where she shut out the world around her. It still amazed me how she managed to do it with such ease. I wondered how many times in her life she had used it escape her surroundings. And why?

But more than why it happened in the past, I wanted to know how to stop it. The blank stare on her face gutted me. It’s the only time she left herself completely vulnerable. I hated how helpless it made me feel.

But I had no idea how to bring her back to wherever her mind had gone. So, I sat quietly beside her while I took comfort in the fact that she was safe, and at the moment that’s all that mattered.

When she let me pull her into my side back at the house I stifled a shudder of relief. Feeling her pressed against me had been the proof I needed to know she was hale and whole. That all the disturbing images of what could have happened to her did not come true.

But I knew better than to think she had come out unscathed. She may have allowed my touch because she physically needed the support, but once the depth of what Lorenzo did sank in, would she still want my touch? Would we be able to recover from the night’s damages?

Especially the one where she would always remember me standing by, watching while another man humiliated and violated her. I didn’t think so. She asked me to step aside, but it didn’t lessen the culpability. The guilt left me drowning in regret.

When we pulled into the driveway, Becka still had not said a word or directed her attention to anywhere but outside the window. The need to try and bring her back to the light worked me over like the worst beating I’d ever taken. I knew what I needed to say, only, not how to say it without sounding disingenuous.

I was trying to get the words to form on my tongue as I followed her through the house and up the stairs. The house was dark except for the moonlight filtering in the windows. The quiet that usually a comforted, rubbed me raw.

Becka opened her door. I tried to rush the words out. “Becka. I’m…” The door shut in my face.

I choked on my words. When was the last time I said sorry to anyone? Especially a woman? But I need to say them. Thinking back on Matteo’s words, I had to give her what she needed.

Taking in a deep shuddering breath I let the words tumble out. “Becka I’m sorry. I never should have… I was a complete asshole and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Taking another deep breath, I rested my forehead against the door. “I should have protected you.” I turned my back and slumped against the door, sliding unceremoniously to my ass. “How could you come back to this?” I couldn’t fathom what went through her mind to be willing to come back to this life, despite the obvious care for Arianna.

Silence fell.

Lulling my head back against the cold wood I swallowed down the shame.

“When I finally lost the Russians…” My head shot forward in surprise from her willingness to answer me. The way her voice carried, it sounded as if she was mimicking my position on the other side of the door.

“I saw a police car sitting on the side of the road,” she continued, her voice small, “I almost went to it. Then…” She huffed out a breath. “Arianna is my best friend and I love her. I could never run knowing she would take the punishment. The idea disappeared faster than it formed. And like I said Luca, I gave my word.”

My hands clenched into fist as my arms draped over my bent knees, then closed my eyes and laid my head back against the door. Becka was so much more that I could ever deserve. She must’ve known that? And after what happened I was sure she would never risk any part of herself with me. I scrubbed a hand down my face, feeling an immense sense of loss.

“Then I was alone, and so scared,” she squeaked out, voice loaded down with pain and fear.

Instinct told me her words came from more than just tonights events. The pain was old and bone deep. They crushed me like a wrecking ball. Her demons haunted her, just like mine. I hated that she was suffering alone on the other side of the door.

A sniffle drifted to my ears. “I thought when I came back it would prove that you could trust me. I wanted to come back. So you could hold me and make me feel that rush that happens every time you touch me. It was my only comforting thought.”

Air rushed form my lungs at her confession. Maybe I was daydreaming what she said? Even if I wasn’t. What did she feel now? After I stood by and watched her be assaulted. “I’m sorry Becka.” I didn’t know what else to say.

There was a long pause of silence.

“I forgive you, Luca.”

My heart skipped a beat in my chest. How is that even possible?

“Luca?”

“Yes. I’m here.”

“I need to ask you something.”

“Ask me anything.” And I meant it. If she asked for the moon, I would find a way to get it for her.

“Will you… hold me until I fall asleep? I don’t want to be alone. Just holding. Nothing sexual. I can’t handle that right now.”

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