Page 20 of The Middle-Aged Virgin (The Middle-Aged Virgin 1)

‘You’ve got to stop waiting around and approach this like a new business campaign. If it was work, how would you deal with this? You’d put together your credentials and a proposal, and you’d draw up a list of potential targets from searching online, speaking to different contacts in the industry or getting out there to research the hottest brands. So do the same for your personal life.’

‘That’s a great way of looking at it, Monique,’ said Roxy in agreement.

‘Thanks, Rox. So, Soph, here’s what I suggest: first of all, look hot at all times, which should not be a problem for you as you’re always immaculate. But remember, it’s not just about looking smart. We’re dealing with red-blooded men here, so turn up the sex appeal too. For example, I am L-O-V-I-N-G that dress you’re wearing tonight.’

‘Thank you,’ I replied whilst awaiting the next tip from herHow to Magic Up a Perfect Manmanual.

‘Secondly, join dating sites,’ she suggested. ‘I always tell my friends to do this if only for practice getting back into the dating world again. Network like you would for work, get friends and family and ask them to set you up on dates. This cookery holiday you’re going on tomorrow is a good start. But you need to join clubs, do activities and meet new people. You’ve got to put yourself out there and go and get yours!’

She wasn’t entirely wrong. I could see there was potentially some mileage in what she was saying. But I still wasn’t convinced it was that easy.

‘Yes, Monique,’ I replied, still considering her suggestions. ‘Roxy’s already given me the lecture about going on to dating sites, so I’ll look into it, but even if I were to meet someone, it’d still take years to get to know them properly, and by that time I’d be too old to have children anyway.’

‘Hell no!’ she fired back. ‘The older you get, the quicker things can happen. We know what we want and are more confident, so we just go for it. My friend Arianna was forty-three. She met a lawyer one afternoon, and a year later she was pregnant and married. I’mtellingyou, girl! Itcanhappen. But not if you’re sat on your butt at home, watching Netflix with a tub of Häagen-Dazs every night.’

How did she know I’d been doing that?

‘See, Soph!’ said Roxy. ‘Like I keep saying at our FTAs, it’s all about getting some experience. You’ve been out of the game for a while, so you need to practice flirting with guys. Kissing them. Honing your bedroom technique. It’s been soooo long you need to check that everything’s still working downstairs.’

Whilst Roxy was giggling, in contrast, Jasmine’s cute face was now contorting as she held her hands against her ears, squashing her curly black hair against her flawless skin.

‘La, la, la, laaaa!’ Jasmine screeched. ‘This conversation is gettingwaaaaytoo cringe for me. I donotneed to be listening to you guys talking about my auntie getting some action.’ She got up from the table and pulled her phone out of her pocket. ‘I’ll be in the living room…eeeeurrrgh. Gross!’

‘As I was saying,’ Roxy added, rolling her eyes at Jasmine’s reaction and sudden departure, ‘I know you say you need more time to get over Rich, but the trick is just to dosomething. Get yourself off the starting block. Find someone to flirt with, snog their face off and see where it goes. He doesn’t have to be perfect, Mr Right or the love of your life. Just find someone you like the look of and stick your tongue down their throat, goddammit. It’ll be fun. And it will get you on the pitch again. If you’re not on the pitch, Soph, you can’t score. Simples.’

Who knew Roxy was into football? It was an interesting analogy.

Whilst my dad’s eyes were fixated on his plate to avoid showing his feelings of awkwardness, my mum’s jaw was on the floor. Bella and I had been friends since college, so she was already considered part of the family. I’d only known Roxy for just over a year and Monique just shy of that, so my parents hadn’t had that much contact with them, and they were obviously taken aback by their frankness. Particularly Mum, who was a bit more, how can we say? Traditional. She certainly wasn’t one for ‘sexy talk’ around the dinner table.

In fact, my whole world was a bit alien to both my parents. They were simple, humble people. Not into flashy things. A car is just to get you from A to B. Clothes were just to keep you warm and protect your modesty, so as long as they looked smart, that was all that mattered. No designer tag required. Work was something you did to pay the bills. For example, up until a couple of years ago, when I’d paid off their mortgage so that my parents could retire early, Mum had worked as an office manager at a local insurance firm for decades. When we were growing up, she also took on various extra jobs, including bar work at weekends and childminding, just to make ends meet.

To my parents, the most important thing was family. And that’s why my mum often struggled to understand why I had been so career-driven and not settled down properly years ago.

‘Well, erm, I guess everyone has their own way of putting things,’ said Mum tactfully in response to Roxy’s ‘scoring’ suggestion, ‘but essentially, darling, I think we all agree that it’s time that you started courting again.’

‘I think Soph is making good progress, actually,’ said Bella supportively. ‘It’s only been just over three months since the sad passing of Albert, and she’s dealt with that and taken the brave step of breaking up with a long-term boyfriend of fifteen years, which can’t have been easy. She’s having a super busy time at work, and we all know how terrible she is at taking time off, but she’s actually going on holiday tomorrow by herself to stay with a group of strangers. How many of us have done that? She’s taking some big steps. Soph’s really trying, and I think it will lead to some exciting adventures.’

‘Thank you, Bella!’ I said, blowing her a kiss.

‘It’s true,’ chipped in Harrison. Christ. It seemedeveryonehas something to say about my sad love life. I helped myself to some more prawns and took a large gulp of my favourite Laurent Perrier Rosé champagne.

‘She wouldn’t normally consider going away at such a busy time, but I think this break will do Soph good. That’s if she doesn’t spend the entire time checking emails, of course!’ Harrison added, laughing loudly.

‘Girl, switch that phone off as soon as you get on the plane and go and find yourself some hot Italian ass!’ shouted Monique.

Oh dear God.

With that, I think my mother was about to faint. I had a feeling when I got back from this holiday, she’d be quizzing me not just on developments with my love life, but also on my choice of new friends.

After singing “Happy Birthday,” cutting the Lola’s red velvet Showgirl birthday cake, toasting my thirty-ninth year with copious amounts of bubbly and taking even more group photos on my phone, I headed home to finish packing and prepare for my 7.30 a.m. flight.

Before I left, Mum pulled me to one side and handed me a large paper gift bag filled with some casual clothes she’d picked out for me. She knew I had a room full of clothes already, but she always tried to encourage me to loosen up with my dress sense.

‘For once, Soph,’ she’d said, taking my hands into hers, ‘try to relax. Forget about your Gukey this and your Dolce and Banana that. Just be like theoldyou. The youbeforeyou became successful and went all fancy. This is aholiday. A chance to forget about work for a few days. Switch off that bloody phone and go and enjoy yourself for a change.’

GukeyandDolce and Banana…Typical Mum. Zero interest in designer names or their pronunciation. I thanked her for the birthday gifts, gave her a kiss on the cheek and promised to do my best.

I unzipped my suitcase and flipped up the lid, glancing over what I’d packed so far.

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