Page 112 of Born in Depravity

CATALINA

We didn’t stay longin the garden, and after the moment I saw Henry—or hell, maybe someone who looked just like him—I didn’t want to spend much of my time outside anyway.

I didn’t know why, but I was almost … grateful to be back in the room.

I felt safe, and I was happy when Nikolay came in with me.

We didn’t do anything. He did work on his laptop a bit, putting me in the same position as before, which I was now realizing wasn’t for his benefit but mine.

He was protecting me from what he was doing on his computer, and after being through so many shitty things in my life, I didn’t care to look.

I wasn’t even curious.

He left the room after dinner, and I didn’t see any of them for the rest of the night.

I ignored the way the disappointment settled heavily in my stomach and I went to sleep that night for a few fitful hours.

I spent the next morning and afternoon by myself, and most of the evening, too. I didn’t know where they went, and all I did was nap, read, and watch TV.

I didn’t like spending all this much time by myself.

It was something I had done for the majority of my life, but now I craved them. I didn’t like how they had turned me into someone who craved them. I should have been okay with the isolation.

I’d been friends with it for a long time now.

I let out a sigh when I finished my dinner by myself and placed the tray down on the floor by the door. Someone would come by to take care of it in the morning.

Then, slowly, I got ready for bed. I showered, taking care to exfoliate the waxed skin like Mikhail had instructed, flushing a little as I touched myself.

I wasn’t as naive as they thought me to be. Aside from reading books, the tutors Father hired had talked with me about sex education.

Everything else, I’d learned from watching too much TV.

I knew about masturbation. I’d read about it, but I had always been scared to try it, especially since my room never had a lock, and sometimes my father or the maids, especially Rosie, liked to barge into my room without permission. I always thought she got great joy from it.

It was obvious she didn’t like me, only I didn’t know why that was, and I never bothered to find the reason.

Touching myself now, when any of the men could come in and catch me was—

As embarrassing as it was a turn on.

I couldn’t imagine what their reaction to it would be, and I was still too shy to even try it.

Also, whatever we had done so far had been at their instigation.

It was easier to convince myself I was nothing more than a victim. That all the sinful and corrupt things we had done, thattheyhad done to me, was against my will, so I couldn’t really be blamed, could I?

I shook the thought away and quickly rinsed the shampoo from my hair before I got out of the shower.

I put on my new underwear and one of Damien’s shirts, then climbed in bed and got under the covers. It might be hot outside, but whoever owned this house liked to keep the AC running 24/7, and I ran cold most of the time.

My last thought before sleep took hold was if I would be able to see the men tomorrow.

I—

I missed them.

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