Page 149 of Bad Winners (Lochkelvin Academy)

“There are reasons to live,” I say, adamant, and kick the oars into action again. I have to grit myself as the irony inmetelling Luke this is only too apparent, when last year I’d been broken and carved open just like him. When every day had been an impossible demand. It feels like a circle reaching its endpoint, the rising of the sun for me and the dipping of the sun for Luke. That while a new day gradually beckons for me, Luke still has to endure the torturous nightfall before everything can look fresh once again. “Yes, it hurts. Yes, the pain of it is too much that you won’t be able to breathe at times. But you’ll get through it. You’ll get through it like billions of other people have gotten through the deaths of their loved ones.” I give him a fierce look. “You aren’t alone.”

I row the boat a few more paces as Luke gazes across the still loch, dwelling on my words. “Stop,” he says, slowly leaning forward. He takes the oars from me, his muscles gently pushing down on the wooden ends.

In the water beside us, Rory’s golden head pops up unexpectedly. He treads water, paddling in the same spot close by. “Everything okay?” he asks us, his boyish face shining upward. He looks glowingly attractive in the loch, swimming around like a goddamn male siren. “In general, I think sailing is meant to be faster than swimming. In fact, I believe it’s why boats were invented.”

Luke’s lips purse. “We’re fine. Just switching captains.”

“You sure?” Rory asks this like there’s a deeper meaning to his question, his silver gaze boring into Luke.

Luke nods. Satisfied, Rory dives under the surface with a splash. The last I see of him, he’s performing an elegant backstroke before slipping under the surface once more.

Eventually, the boat speeds across the loch, slicing through the water with greater determination.

I lie back, watching Luke steer for the first time. “What did you mean,” I ask hesitantly, “when you said you could trust us two?”

Luke’s expression doesn’t change. “That I can trust you two.”

“Not Rory and Finlay?”

“Rory, yes,” Luke replies carefully, and this is answer enough.

My heart hurts on Finlay’s behalf. “After all this time? He’s been trying tohelpyou.”

Luke is quiet for a moment. “I know. I love him — I do — but sometimes the anger I feel for him, particularly today… Well, it’s understandable, is it not? It burns me up. How he can laugh and joke around after what he did?”

“Laughing and joking doesn’t mean you aren’t guilty or depressed,” Danny points out. “And you know how badly Finlay’s felt ever since. He’s said sorry a hundred times.”

“Sure, he’s apologized,” Luke says, thrusting the oars into the water with more force than necessary as the boat accelerates. “And I’ve accepted that. But… it stillhurts.” In a low voice, as though trying not to be heard, he adds in a dark mutter, “And never, in all this time, have I had any kind of outlet for the cruel, wicked, selfish,desperatepart of me that craves my revenge over him.”

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