Page 46 of Good Losers (Lochkelvin Academy)

15

I’m so distracted by Rory’s account of what happened in my room last summer that I lose the next point in under a second. It explains things, though. It explains Rory’s standoffishness when Finlay first arrived in politics class. Even then, I’d thought there’d been more to their rivalry. I just hadn’t realized how painful and one-sided it’s truly been.

Rory, on the other hand, seems to have already cast the whole story from his mind. Perhaps out of vengeance, he asks me, with a gleam in his eyes, my favorite sex position.

It’s a difficult thing for someone who’s never had sex to answer. I hesitate for a moment, wondering if I should answer sarcastically. Maybe invent some stupid name, likethe enormous diggerorthe spinning orgasmatron.

Instead, I play within the spirit of truth-or-stab. I tug up my fencing mask, look Rory directly in the eyes, and say, “More than one man.”

His eyebrows rise in astonishment. “What, a gangbang?You?”

“No.” I don’t know what the derisiveyourefers to — perhaps Rory’s shocked that I could have any sexual feelings for something more than him, or maybe I’m too innocent-seeming for him to wrap his mind around my words. But I shake my head, quite adamant thatgangbangisn’t correct.Gangbangis a pornographic term and I’ve read too many feminist texts to know it’s not something that aligns with my desires. “Not a… not that. I want to be… held, loved… by more than one man. At the same time.”

They’re just words, and barely uttered in any kind of coherent fashion, but they’re words I’ve never spoken aloud, words I’ve never even properly admitted to myself.

Rory’s frowning at me like my answer has confused him. “I don’t understand. That’s not a sex position. That’s an orgy.”

Before I get into the semantics of sex positions, I clarify, “I want to be surrounded by men who love me and who I love back. I want it to be love-based, not sex-based.” He continues to look almost baffled, so I plow on: “I want to be held and touched and seen and understood. I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything will be okay. I want comfort and shelter and long-term security. To be protected. And loved. I just want love.”

For a long, long time, Rory just stares at me with an unreadable expression. “Love?” he finally says, like the word is foreign on his tongue. He tilts his head to the side, trying to figure me out. “That’s quite a big word.”

“It’s four letters long.”

“There are other four-letter words I’m moreau faitwith.” He shrugs, still looking bemused. “Congratulations. I think you’ve invented a brand new category of sex — at least one I’ve never heard of.”

“Female pleasure? Sex with love?” I snark, and he ignores this jibe to slide on his mask and become a faceless boy again.

I feel like an idiot for pouring out my heart to Rory Munro, for thinking he may have deserved it after what he just shared with me, but I should have expected this. Rory has no feelings other than base carnal desire. He’s a cold-hearted brute who fucks girls in the library then dumps them the moment they act against his wishes. Is there already a timer above my head, counting down to the day Rory tosses me aside? Am I going to be left like Li, abandoned by Rory but without the billion-dollar family business to console me?

“Speaking of nighttime wanderings,” Rory begins the moment after he skewers me with his foil once again, hard enough that I know there’ll be tender bruising tomorrow. “Where do you go to at night? Because don’t think I can’t hear you skulking around early in the morning. You’re practically my alarm clock these days. When I hear you go back to your room, it means I can leave to check on the eagles.”

I stare at him with wide eyes, my stomach lined with lead. I’d deliberately avoided mentioning his dad, and the day’s fencing had been such a sweet diversion from whatever horrific punishment awaits me at the end of tonight…

“Jessa?” Rory asks when I fail to respond, and my name on his mouth does belly-swooping things to me.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” He pulls off his mask entirely, then begins to unfasten his fencing jacket.Five-one, I realize distantly. The match is over and I actually scored a point. “You do nothing? You just wander around my house at night like a ghost?”

“Maybe I do.”

“We all know you’re a terrible liar, little saint,” he points out gently, a reminder of my nickname and the appalling, backfiring lies I told in my first term at Lochkelvin. “You have to tell. Fencer’s honor.”

“What if I don’t have any honor?”

“Then you’d be a sad, troubled individual indeed. All people should have honor. It’s one of the few things in life that’s free.” He sounds so like his dad whenever he pontificates on an idea. Rory inspects my face carefully as he steps out from his fencing kit. All of a sudden, he’s Rory again, more rumpled than usual, his blond hair falling into his eyes and the soft jersey that had been underneath his kit almost artfully creased. He resembles a particularly haughty-looking leisurewear model, one born knowing he’s the shit, and that you’d better put him on the front cover or else daddy will be having words with the brand’s unlucky campaign manager from his giant super-yacht in the Med.

Captain Porthos bounds across to Rory in an instant and I watch the two of them play together on the floor, my heart clenching.

“Your dad wants me to dance for him tonight,” I blurt, and I see the instant Rory’s blood turns to ice in his veins. Captain Porthos barks happily to attract his master’s attention again, but Rory only gives him a soft stroke of his head before facing me.

“What?”

There’s something sharp in his silver eyes, something utterly lethal that takes away my breath.

“He… I’ve been going to him at night, and talking about things — just random things — and last night, I did something stupid and now he’s going to punish me for it and it’s all my fault.” I’m babbling furiously, an overflowing fountain, as I await Rory’s reaction.

I wait a long time. His face scrunches up as he slowly picks apart my words, and then he says, in an eerily calm tone, “Why have you been alone with my father at night?”

---