Page 59 of Impossible

Chapter Twenty-Five

Liam

Another Sunday dinner. Another reminder of the spot where I lost Riley. Where I spoke words that I can't take back. Words that I don’t know how to sort out in my own mind. I wanted to tell her I didn’t mean them, that I misspoke. But would that be fair? Would that be honest? How can you claim that you would do anything to have someone else back in your life while still professing your love for another who’s right in front of you?

I started researching the other night on dating as a widower. It was amazing to see the amount of information and advice out there. It was also hard to come to terms with that word,widower. I’m now a widower. I have to find a way to honor my deceased wife while respecting the feelings of whoever I’m with. When I apply this to Riley, I feel awful about my choice of words. Because even if I did get Becca back, would I fall out of love with Riley instantly? Of course not! But there’s no point in speaking in those terms. My reality is that I lost Becca. Will I always grieve that loss? Probably. But will I be thankful that in that loss, I found a new love for someone special? Yes.

But how do I make Riley see this? And does she even care? I’m the idiot who didn’t know how to explain my words or make her feel better, so I got up and walked out on her without looking back.

Mom has repeatedly asked me why I haven’t reached out to Riley. I have no good answer. I’m a coward, I guess. Peyton keeps apologizing and telling me Riley won’t return her calls. My brothers tell me I’m a pussy and need to grow a pair and get her back. At least Harper loves me no matter what. She still laughs at my silliness and snuggles with me every night. I wonder if Riley misses Harper. I know that the two of them formed a connection. I hate that what happened between us took that away.

Harper is going to be baptized in a couple weeks and my mom told me she is going to invite Riley. Despite our struggles, she deserves an invitation. I hadn’t even thought about Harper being baptized to be honest. It took my parents asking for the hundredth time that made me give in. I told my mom she can go ahead and get her baptized and throw a party as long as I don’t have to do any of the work. It clearly means a lot to my mom. She has been acting crazy planning this party after the baptism for Harper.

“Hey, Liam,” Logan shouts. “Did we lose you over there? Are we boring you to death?”

I realize I completely got lost in my thoughts while in the middle of talking to my family.

“Sorry. What were you guys saying?”

“Peyton said she saw Riley downtown last night. She was out to dinner with her parents and sister.”

I try to be pretend like I’m not on the edge of my fucking seat waiting to hear more.

“Oh, really?” I ask, hoping my nonchalance sounds convincing.

“Yeah, I guess she was seated right behind them. Riley never noticed. Her parents obviously don’t know Peyton, but I guess she overheard some of their conversation.”

“You did?” I look to Peyton.

”Is overheard the correct term here?” James intervenes. “You were almost falling out of your seat trying to eavesdrop while moving a plant in front of you so she wouldn’t see you.”

Jackson chokes on his beer. “That totally sounds like Peyton,” he says.

“What did you hear?” I ask, not caring in the least about how Peyton came upon on information. “Is she doing okay?”

“Well, I overheard that even with the idea that people would support the idea of you two together, she thinks there’s other reasons you two wouldn’t work. She seemed really...sad. Her mom was telling her that she’s never had such a hard time trying to get a hold of her. That she seems to have gone MIA this past month.”

“Wonder why that is,” Greyson says.

“Shut up, asshole,” I bark at him. “She didn’t look happy?”

“I mean, I don’t know her that well. But you can tell that her smile didn’t really seem genuine. Her family is clearly worried about her.”

Fuck. I just want to reach out to her. I hate that I’m the reason for her happiness being taken away. Why can’t I just get my shit together and go after her? I think part of me feels like she deserves better than to be with a broken widower like myself. What if every time I cry or say I miss Becca, she takes it the wrong way? But that can’t be true. We had already had those conversations together. Hell, we would lean on each other because of how much we both missed her.

Mom and Dad come out with dinner ready which thankfully turns the conversations to less depressing topics. I do my best to keep up with the conversation, but I can’t stop thinking that I really fucked up. That my absence in the last month just made her feel that I didn’t need or love her enough. If only she knew that she’s constantly on my mind. That I miss our dinners together. I miss watching her with Harper. I miss touching her.

When I get home that night, after I put Harper to sleep, I lie awake in bed looking at the room that I changed around in an effort to make space for this new woman in my life. I reach for my phone. Maybe I can text her. What could I say? Then I remember the picture I took this morning of Harper with green beans all over her face and hands. I turned around for a second and she had emptied out the jar onto her highchair. I text her the picture and wait. After ten minutes, I give up hope that she will respond. A second after I put my phone on the nightstand, I see the phone illuminate in the darkness as the vibration pounds on the wood. I’m embarrassed to admit I almost fall off the bed trying to grab the phone so quickly.

Riley: What a little ham! Looks like she needs to work on her spoon skills.

I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. It feels so good to talk to her, even if just through text.

Me: It’s her patience that needs work. I turned around for a second and she decided to feed herself.

Riley: Well she is Becca’s... did you expect anything different? When did Becca wait longer than a second for something she wanted?

I’m laughing out loud at her text. She’s right. Becca had the patience of a puppy. It hits me all of a sudden in this moment. How could she think that she isn’t the perfect person for me? We can both laugh and joke about Becca. We can keep her spirit alive. I can love both of them. And I do.

Me: Haha. The answer to that is NEVER.

I hesitate to type the words that I want, but decide to go for it.

Me: I miss you.

I see the bubble and three dots appear and disappear. This happens for several minutes before the bubble disappears and no text ever comes through. I exhale, feeling disappointed and angry at myself for pushing her and ruining the dialogue we had going. What was she supposed to say to that? If she said she missed me too, what then? Does that change how much I hurt her? How I left her without fighting for her or showing her how much I love her? Resigned to the fact that I screwed up, I put my phone back on the nightstand and go to sleep.

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