Page 61 of Devoted

CHAPTER16

Penelope

“I can’t believehe just left.” I stare morosely through the brown glass of my beer bottle like it’s a crystal ball that’ll tell me whether I’ll ever see Cannon again. The only time I drink beer is when I am at London’s place. It pairs perfectly with her patio and firepit. But everything tastes sour right now.

Mother gave me a smoothie after I woke up and raced to the front door to see if his vehicle was gone. She confirmed he had left and that he told her what he tried to tell me. The cherry-berry smoothie tasted like dust, and I drank only a quarter of it. Mother packed a tote full of snacks when I told her I was meeting Holland and London. They’re her samples that might cross over into future products.

The snacks are spread among the three of us, but I can barely sip the beer without spitting the liquid onto the paving stones.

“At least he explained why.” London grimaces like she knows what she says won’t make me feel better. I appreciate her effort.

Holland reclines on her patio chair, her feet crossed at the ankles. “The burning question is—what are you going to do about it? What is Penni 2.0 going to do about the man who loves her and leaves her?”

Holland prefers action. I admire that about her. If she’s not happy with her hair color, she dyes it platinum blonde. If she doesn’t want to look basic, she asks herself, “What would Marilyn Monroe wear?”and commits. If she doesn’t like how someone’s treating her, she’ll tell them off or be done with them.

I don’t like how Cannon treated me. I don’t like that he left before I woke up. I don’t like that he’s not answering his phone. I deserve better. But the irony is that he did what he did because he thinks I deserve better too.

Even at my worst, when he found me on the road after Roman died, he didn’t promise he wouldn’t leave me. He knew then he wasn’t staying, and he didn’t lie to me. My dejection is hard to swallow.

“I don’t know.” I scrub my face with both hands. “Do I hitch up my newfound self-confidence and track him down? He’s done so much for me that it seems heartless to give up on him. But on the other hand, I’m over trying to please a man who’s supposed to love me and want the best for me. I’m over waiting for scraps of attention that someone who claims to love me should willingly give.”

London digs into her bag of vegan, organic, air-popped white-chocolate-flavored popcorn. The snack is one of my mom’s new products. I have a photo shoot tomorrow for her upcoming ad campaign. Mother will be pleased when I tell her they were a hit. Something good came out of Cannon’s departure.

“I can see the conflict,” London says around her mouthful. “You deserve better than how he left, there’s no doubt about that. But he’s damaged too.”

Holland holds up a finger. “Which you are not responsible for healing.”

“Maybe that’s what’s bothering me,” I say. “I thought we healed together in the cabin, but as soon as people found out who he really is, he assumed the worst and bolted. For years, he took on the responsibility of what happened and let it run his life. And maybe he’s dealt with that, but now he’s assuming the responsibility for what might happen because of it.”

London crinkles the bag of popcorn shut. “First, tell your mom that those are delicious and I’ll gladly taste test anything for her. And second, whatever you decide to do, we’re here to support you.”

“I think I have to…” Acid burns its way up my throat. This hurts to say. “I think I have to let him go.”

Holland sits up and swings her legs over the edge of the chair. She and London have their full attention on me.

“I told myself,” I continue, “that I wouldn’t rush things with Cannon. That I wouldn’t hope for an engagement or a marriage. That I would wait. I would make sure we have a real foundation and that we’re more than passion in the heat of the moment. I mean, I feel like it, but after Roman, I need to know. And I knew Cannon would understand. But he left me after a five-minute discussion and some sex. And say I do go after him and beg him to come back to me, where would that leave me in our relationship? Would I be afraid to open my eyes every morning wondering if he’s gone?” I choke off a sob.

The sympathy hasn’t left London’s turquoise eyes, but she nods. “You need to know he’s going to stay with you through the hard times and not just try to protect you from them.”

She nailed it. Cannon has spent his adult life protecting people, and once that job is done, he’s gone. I was no different.

If I’m going to spend my life with someone, I need to be different.

“Well, that’s settled.” I slap my bare thighs as if it’s that easy to change topics. A girl can pretend. “That means my next step is to figure out how and where I’m going to open another dance studio.”

Holland claps her hands together, her expression delighted. “Ooh, I can totally help with that. I’m useless on the man front, but I’m a total business floozy.”

With my sadness on a temporary reprieve, I giggle.

My phone rings. My stupid heart leaps, hoping I’ll see Cannon’s name, but it’s my father. I don’t care if my friends hear me talk to him, so I answer. “Hi.”

“Penni, how are you?” Father has called me every day since I returned to LA. My lawyer said Father was cleared of any involvement with Roman’s trafficking. Father runs a reputable business, and Roman tried to taint that. But on the bright side, the way he talks to me has changed. I don’t feel like his words are laced with persistent disapproval. I give him the benefit of the doubt when I feel like he’s questioning me.

“I’ve been better,” I answer honestly. “I’m talking with London and Holland to get ideas about opening another studio.” I’m tempted to ramble on about financing, affordability, practicality, but I bite my lip. If I want the dynamics between us to change, then I need to quit acting like the insecure kid he’s used to.

I don’t need to defend my decisions, but I will make sure to ask for his advice when I need it like the adult I am.

“I might have something that will help with that,” he says.

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