Page 11 of Salvation

I’m lying naked, fully satisfied, yet turned on again from the carnal look in Gabrial’s eyes while I pleasured myself in his bed as I wait for him to come back with dinner. I know I should get up and that I need to at least put a shirt on, but then realize I’m not going to do that.

I know damn well that this is not good and that I should know better than to have a relationship of any kind with Gabrial. Yet, it’s always been like this. The day I saw him dirty and in need of love on the playground, I knew that he was going to be special to me. I knew immediately that he was going to be in my life.

Under all of that grime and fear, I saw a beautiful dark boy who needed me. Something in me came alive and as the years have passed, he’s only woven himself further into my heart. I know about what he does. I know that he does horrible, despicable things. He is indirectly responsible for the situations that some of the women in my shelter are in. I know this.

I know it.And I hate it. I hate the things he’s involved in. The things he orchestrates, yet he never talks about them with me. He doesn’t involve me. He does everything he can to keep his life and the things he does, and is involved in, separate from his relationship with me.

I think part of it is because he wants to protect me, but the other part is because of Luke.

Luke…

Shame on me. I’m in Gabrial’s bed, naked after just being intimate with him again, and I’m now thinking about Luke.

I can’t stop it. My heart is split in half… perfectly in half…

I know it and both men know it.

It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t love two men. It shouldn’t be possible… yet I do… I always have. Nothing I do and nothing I say to myself makes any headway.

If someone had told me when I was younger that I would not only love, but be in love with two men, I’d have laughed at them.

Or would I have?

This is supposed to be wrong.

But it’s my life. I am in love with two men.

Two polar opposite men.

Gabrial is so dark, so beautiful… he does everything he can to protect me, yet he’s a criminal. He is… he’s a criminal. And Luke… Luke is so good and gorgeous. He’s so strong and so just. He fights so hard to protect not just me, but everyone. Luke wants to protect the world… his job is to take people like Gabrial down.

And I put him in the position of knowing that I have a relationship with Gabrial. Neither of them gets involved with the other. They are even civil when they see each other. Though no longer really “friends.”

How could they be friends with them on opposite sides of a chasm?

We were all friends growing up… then, Gabrial started making a name for himself. Luke begged him not to head down that path, but Gabrial didn’t listen. He thought that it was the only way to prevent himself from becoming like his mother.

To stop himself from becoming vile and evil… filled with hatred for the one person she was supposed to protect above all else, he’s almost worse. He is the man behind the curtain… the man responsible for the situations his mother found herself in.

Different man… seemingly same fate.

Is he his father’s son?

I don’t know who his father is. I don’t think he knows who his father is. But from the stories I’ve heard… by him rebelling so hard against becoming like his mother, he’s become like his father.

He’s a criminal. A drug dealer and a gun runner. I don’t know this for absolute fact. He’s never told me, and I’ve never asked. But I see things. I hear things. My world is somehow directly related to the world he’s created.

I cannot lie to myself. I know exactly who… and what… Gabrial is…

My anxiety is starting to overwhelm me, and I try to relax my breathing.

Closing my eyes, I take deep breaths and try to calm my pulse. I know that thinking about this stuff isn’t good for me…

Not good for you?!

Are you serious, Hope? You are in love with two men. One a cop and one a criminal. Not just a criminal, a crime lord.

Nothing about this is good.

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