Page 144 of False Start

thirty

I walkedthrough my apartment door for the first time during the daylight hours after spending more than a week working double shifts, avoiding drinks and basketball games with my friends at the precinct, waiting for something to feel normal. For anything to feel normal again.

I couldn’t even find some sort of familiarity in the obscurity I once loved about the coffee shop around the corner where I counted on no one knowing my name or caring to talk. And why? Because the woman behind the counter that I was used to seeing day in and day out quit while I was gone and now, the only familiar thing I had left was the forgettable flavor of scorched coffee on my tongue that I could get from any gas station or truck stop.

On the third day, I’d taken out a pizza box to the dumpster—because that’s what I did now—field trips to the dumpster, and when I’d gotten back to my door, the neighbor introduced himself, thinking I was new to the place.

I’d been here for five years.

Turns out he’d been here for four.

Neither of us could back out of that conversation fast enough.

Alone in a city of millions.

And now the stark light of day was a ruthless bitch ready to deliver a one-two punch by making sure I saw every single impersonal corner of my life in desolate detail.

The problem with the impersonal—it showcased the intimately personal.

One thing stood out. The one thing always stood out here.

Abel’s ashes.

And the harsh truth that I’d been keeping him here. All this time, I’d been keeping myself in my own prison, unable to let him go.

To what end?

I’d never be able to change the last time we spoke. I’d never be able to change what I’d done when I reported them. And I had to be honest, what really bothered me is that I’d do the same thing again if I had to do it all over again today.

Because I was trying to save his life.

Being with Maisy lit me up from the inside out with so much color, so much attitude, so much heart, and no amount of being here would ever feel normal again.

I live for the both of us now.

She was right. The minute I didn’t have someone who needed me, someone to save, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Being here wasn’t living. And how did I figure out how to live for both Abel and me when I hadn’t even figured out how to do it for myself?

The sinking feeling in my gut hadn’t eased since I left that hotel, no doubt making another monumental mistake with Maisy, but they had a win to celebrate and the minute the exhibition was over, the storm took hold in me one more time and I wouldn’t do that to her in her moment.

She’d say okay again and I just—I didn’t want us to turn into that. Me coming apart and her becoming the person who had to tether me to the ground again.

She wanted to take care of me and I didn’t want to be the person in her life who constantly needed to be taken care of. Who stole the joy from her wins because he still stewed in an emotional wasteland because he used people needing him as a way to avoid his emotional shit.

She called my phone just once that last night in Philly and when I didn’t answer, she let me go.

And I took advantage of the fact that I knew she would.

I had to get my shit together and I wouldn’t face her again until I could be the man she deserved, the one who could give and take instead of being sucked into constant doubt and memories I couldn’t shake, so consumed by my past that all I did was take and take from her, leaving her with little happiness—her free spirit obliterated until okay became the standard between us instead of the glaring warning sign it was now.

I had to finally let my brother go.

I didn’t know how. He was half of me and letting him go felt like I was letting myself go too. Who did I become when I was alone again?

I’d never figured out the answer…and maybe that was the answer—there wasn’t one. Like words in English that couldn’t be translated into other languages because the concept just didn’t exist.

My phone buzzed and I glanced down and spotted Lana’s number.

I debated ignoring it, but this was Lana—she didn’t let anyone ignore her for long.

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