Page 66 of No Strings Christmas

He winces as though I’m the one hurting him with that description.

‘I thought that’s what you wanted, and yeah, honestly, I thought it was how I felt too.’

I look away from him, my heart in shreds.

‘I never let myself think beyond that because I thought it wasn’t even a possibility.’

I grind my teeth together, not willing to listen. I can’t. It’s too dangerous. I feel as if everything is at risk. ‘Don’t pretend you feel something you don’t.’

His face is imploring. ‘I just don’t know where to begin.’

Something wells inside me—frustration and impatience. Why has he come here if only to say he doesn’t know what to say? ‘I don’t want to do this.’

It seems to shake him. His voice becomes more authoritative.

‘Listen to me, Jessica, please. From the first day I met you I have wanted more from you than I ever have another soul. I have been obsessed with you, fascinated by you. I have wanted you in a way that is new and different. I have wanted to send you flowers and scream it from the rooftops that we’re together. Remember the night you stayed home and we talked for hours over videocall? I couldn’t not call you. I couldn’t go a night without seeing you. That wasn’t about sex, it was about you and your ideas and your beautiful smile and your stories and your feelings.’

I suck in a deep breath. ‘I just—’ The words fall into nothing.

He pushes on, my inability to form words not something he’s experiencing. ‘When I suggested buying into She-Shakes it wasn’t because I wanted to rescue you. It was because I wanted to be your partner. Your ideas excite me; you excite me. I wanted to work with you, to be near you while you work, and I wanted to see all your dreams come true. And yes, I know you’ll hate this because you’re independent as fuck, but if I could have one small part in making your dreams come true then I wanted that too. I have spent a long time telling myself that I don’t want a relationship, that I don’t want love, but the truth is, I’ve had no idea what love is. It turns out, it’s nothing like I thought.’

I turn back to face him, my heart beating wildly.

‘You don’t get it. You’v

e already told me how you feel. I don’t believe you’d lie to me, Zach. I don’t believe you’d pretend you just wanted sex if deep down you were madly in love with me.’

‘I was stupid, Jessica. I didn’t have a fucking clue how I felt. I just knew I didn’t want you to go. I knew I didn’t want to go a day without you.’

‘Yeah, yeah, until this thing between us burned out.’

‘It’s not going to burn out. That’s what I’m saying. I was stupid and naïve and too messed up by Emily to realise that this is the real deal. Nothing I’ve ever known compares to this. This isn’t just love. This isn’t something anyone else has ever felt, right? I mean, this is just you and me, and whatever we are together. I just know that you complete me. You literally fit into all the places that are empty inside me, and you make me feel—’ He pauses, looking down at me, searching for words. ‘You make me feel like the best version of myself, and you make me want to be that for ever, to make you proud, and make you happy. You make me happy, Jessica. And I think I can make you happy too. I think I can complete you.’ He holds a hand up to forestall what he anticipates will be my likely response. ‘Not that you need a man to complete you.’

Despite myself I feel a hint of amusement flicker inside me. I’m a raging feminist and I appreciate that he gets that and—more so—respects it.

‘Zach...’

Again, I fail to find words, and again, he has more than enough. ‘I get it. I get what I’ve never understood before now. Love is an abstract fucking concept until you meet the right person. For the right person, you change, everything changes, because there’s no viable alternative. Love isn’t abstract now. It’s here, right here.’ He bangs his hand into his chest, staring at me. ‘Because of you.’

I make a noise that is half sob, half something else.

His voice softens. ‘I’m not asking you to hang up your heels and be my trophy wife or whatever; I’m not that kind of guy and I think you know that. I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you to give up on any of your dreams. I want to be beside you while you chase them. I want to be the guy you come home to and enthuse with, I want to be your sounding board, I want to be your best friend, your lover, everything you’ll let me be in your life. I want to be your biggest supporter—not because you need it but because supporting you is the best, most meaningful thing I will ever do. Just let me back in your life. Please.’

The ice wind has stirred itself into a frenzy and a dust of snow begins to fall, landing like little white kisses against his dark coat. I stare at them for a moment, my heart beating so fast I fear it might burst out of my body.

‘You told me you’d never give me a declaration of love,’ I say quietly, needing to remind him of the things he’d said, needing him to understand how badly he hurt me.

He moves closer, and his masculine aroma teases me and makes my stomach clench. ‘Yeah, well, I also said I’d never propose to you yet here I am like some lovesick idiot asking you to kindly put me out of my misery and promise I won’t ever have to spend another night without you.’

Okay. Shit just got real.

‘Did you just...ask me to marry you?’

‘No.’ He gets down on one knee in front of me. ‘I’m begging you to marry me. And not to put too fine a point on it, but I’ll be pretty inconsolable if you say “no” so please take me at my word that I will never hurt you again and remember that you love me too.’

I stare at him, too shocked to speak.

‘And that I’m new to this and I’m going to make mistakes but that one thing neither of us will ever doubt again is how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Okay?’

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