Page 63 of No Strings Christmas

‘And you don’t love her.’

I pull a face, looking at him dolefully. ‘Come on, man. I know you’ve got all this—’ I gesture around his lounge room ‘—but you know me. You know me better than just about anyone. What do you think?’

He sighs. ‘I think you and I don’t know shit about love.’

I wait for him to continue, but Dimitrios is mulling it over. Annie emerges with a cup of coffee and places it on the bar. She smiles up at me gently. ‘It’s good to see you, Zach. I hope you won’t be offended if I go to bed?’

‘No, of course not.’ I force a smile. ‘Merry Christmas, Annie.’ I dip my head down and kiss her cheek.

She turns to Dimitrios. ‘Goodnight.’

Heat sparks between them; I look away, but the image of them together stays in my mind. It creates the exact same impression I had on their wedding day—that they just make sense. Seeing them together isn’t a question of ‘love’ or ‘commitment’, it’s just that it’s right for them to be together. Something fuzzy moves through my brain; a thought I can’t quite grasp.

When we’re alone, Dimitrios props an elbow on the bar and continues as though we were never interrupted. ‘I think you’ve told me about a woman you’re seeing for the first time since Emily. I think you’ve had a fight with her and you’ve come here after having more than enough to drink because you’re upset, and that if you didn’t care about her you wouldn’t feel like that.’

‘I don’t care about her. I care about hurting her. I didn’t want to do that.’

He frowns. ‘I’m sure that’s a part of it. But you’re hurting too, Zach.’

I stare at him in total confusion.

‘You’re hurting. Take it from someone who knows you.’ He shrugs his shoulders ruefully. ‘And knows what he’s talking about. You’re hurting. I don’t know if you love her but I do know things aren’t as straightforward as you’re trying to pretend.’

I stare at him, feeling a thousand things.

‘You know what I think?’

‘What?’

‘I think pushing people away is easy. I think you and I both get gold stars for that. Loving someone and letting them love you—with all the risk that entails—is a shitload harder.’

‘I’ve loved someone before. I loved Emily,’ I lie belligerently.

‘Bullshit. You went after the impossible woman. You self-sabotaged your own happiness with that relationship and then you’ve used it as an excuse to avoid a meaningful connection with anyone since.’

I glare at him but can’t disagree.

‘I can’t tell you what you’re feeling but I can tell you that you need to dig deeper. There’s obviously more going on with her than you’re admitting to yourself.’

My throat feels raw. I stare at him, bereft and lost, then nod. I throw back the coffee, wincing as the heat scalds my mouth.

‘You don’t regret it?’ I murmur, looking around the lounge room.

‘Regret what?’

‘All this. Marrying Annie.’

‘What do you think?’

I think I’ve never seen my brother happier. Great for Dimitrios but it doesn’t mean Jessica and I are in the same boat.

‘Thanks for hearing me out.’

‘Any time.’ At the door, he reaches for my arm, stopping me from leaving. ‘I mean that. Any time, bro.’

* * *

The next morning, I wake up with a banging hangover and a swirling torrent of thoughts. How do I feel? What do I want? What can I give her? I don’t have any answers but I do know this: Jessica is leaving Singapore today and if I don’t see her before she goes I’m going to hate myself. I don’t know what I want to say to her, just that I need to see her. I need to see her smile. I need to know she’s going to be okay.

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