Page 58 of Bound by Their Christmas Baby

‘That makes it sound black and white. What about all the grey in between?’

‘What grey?’

‘All of this is grey,’ she said emphatically. ‘You were so angry with me in New York—and now? I don’t know what you are. We’re together at night but in the day we’re like strangers in this huge castle. I can’t… I just can’t marry you if this is what our life would be like.’

His eyes sparked with hers, dark emotions obvious in their depths. ‘I see.’ The words were a grim indictment.

‘You don’t want to marry me either,’ she pointed out with a tight grimace. ‘Do you?’

‘Do I strike you as a man who would do anything he didn’t wish?’

‘I mean if there were no Raf.’

He looked at her for several moments and then shook his head. ‘I have no interest in discussing hypothetical scenarios.’

‘I need to hear you say it,’ she murmured. ‘I need you to tell me that if it weren’t for Raf…’

‘Why?’

‘Just tell me. If there were no Raf. If I’d never got pregnant…’ She stared at him, refusing to back down, even when her breath was straining in her chest.

‘Fine. If it weren’t for Raf then no, we wouldn’t be getting married.’

Abby’s heart, so fragile, so wounded already, lurched painfully. It was the confirmation she’d needed, but now that he’d said it she had no idea how to make sense of his feelings. They were so different to hers. How had she let herself fall in love with him? Or had she really had any choice in the matter?

‘I don’t know why you’re complicating this.’

She dug her fingernails into her palms and looked past him. ‘I can’t marry you if I think this is just a pragmatic decision for you. If your feelings aren’t engaged at all.’

‘I feel many things,’ he disagreed. ‘I feel a desire to do what’s right for my son. I feel a desire to do what’s right for you.’

Abby swept her eyes shut. She’d been wrong. Some things were black and white, and staying here with Gabe was one end of that extreme. It was wrong, and she was crazy not to have seen that sooner. Pain warred with certainty inside her.

‘I’m not your mother, and you’re not your father. We were never a great love affair. I’m not begging you to do this, and you can’t change history by marrying me.’ She angled her face away from him, knowing she couldn’t witness the cold rejection that she presumed must be on his features. She needed to say her piece and be done with it. ‘I want Raf to have a family too. Neither of us knew what that was like. But this marriage would make me miserable, Gabe. And I think you’d come to resent me—even more than you do now—if we were to go through with it.’

‘I don’t resent you,’ he said sharply.

‘Yes, you do. You resent me for Calypso. You resent me for being Lionel Howard’s daughter. You resent me for having your baby. I can’t live with that.’

He shook his head. ‘It’s not that simple.’

‘Shades of grey?’ she prompted, her smile without humour.

He took a step towards her, his breath an impatient exhalation. ‘I understand the power your father had over you and I understand why you did what you did that night.’

It wasn’t forgiveness. She knew he’d never trust her, never love her. His words changed nothing.

‘I can’t marry you.’ The words were loaded with all the pain in her heart, but as she said them she knew it was the right decision. Finally, amid all this confusion, she had found her way to the truth she should have discovered earlier.

He let out a sound of pure frustration. ‘What the hell do you want from me? Tell me and I’ll give it to you! This marriage is worth fighting for.’

‘There is no marriage,’ she interjected, her temper rising.

‘Fine! We won’t marry today. It was just an idea. Take your time, plan the wedding you want, just…’

‘Time won’t change the fact that you don’t love me.’

The statement surprised them both. Silence fell in the room, heavy and oppressive.

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