Page 119 of Zero Pucks Given (Las Vegas Angels 1)

“Got any zucchinis? Cucumbers?” she asked, walking toward the kitchen.

I always had cucumbers in my fridge. “Yeah, hang on,” I said, getting up to show her.

Gianna was already searching by the time I got there, though. “Ahh, these will do nicely,” she said, yanking out a couple of English cukes. She slid a knife out of the holder on the counter and cut them in half before she washed them. “Gather round, ladies. Blow Jobs 101 begins now,” she said, waving her hands at the other two to join us at the island.

Even Jillian couldn’t hide her trepidation. “Can’t hurt to learn a few new tricks, I suppose,” she said, and we all laughed.

“Jillian, we need to teach Gigi the basics. We’ll cover, ‘New Tricks’ in Blow Jobs 102. Anyway, grab yourselves a cucumber—well, half a cucumber. A whole one would really be grossly overestimating any guy’s potential. Although, I do hope for your sake that widthwise you always find larger.”

“For the sake of time and necessity, these will have to do. First off,” she said, holding her cucumber up high in the air, “guys want you to look at it. Admire it like it’s the greatest piece of art ever made. Show him the hunger in your eyes as though you’re about to dive into a slice of strawberry cheesecake.”

“Hold on,” I said, dropping my dripping cuke on the island. I rushed off to grab my notebook so I could write this down. Gianna and the other girls didn’t say a word as I wrote down the key, bullet points. “Okay, continue,” I said, pushing my notes aside. “So far we have gazed at the dick.”

Niki and Jillian cracked up. Gianna said, “Are we taking this seriously? I’m trying to help our girl out.”

“Gianna, we’re fellating a cucumber. You’re going to have to expect some giggling,” Jillian said, starting to laugh again just like the rest of us—even Gianna.

She put her hands on her hips, dripping cucumber juice on her purple shirt. “Fine, Jillybean. Keep it to a minimum.” We all nodded, trying our best to keep a straight face. “You’ve looked at the dick as though it’s the next great Greek sculpture in the making. You’ve giving it and him your hungry eyes. Now, we make contact.” That’s when she started licking the cucumber up and down.

Even Jillian’s eyes got wide as Gianna did it. I couldn’t say for sure or not—seeing as I wasn’t a connoisseur—but she seemed to do it like a pro.

“Oh boy,” Niki whispered, her eyes wide and unblinking like a deer caught watching a class on blow jobs.

Gianna ceased her ministrations. “Initial contact is all about the tease and promise.”

“Tease and promise,” I muttered, writing down those two key words.

“As you do this, eye contact is key. As much as possible. Make it sultry. Make it hot. The head has the most nerve endings and is by far the most sensitive. Pay attention to the tip,” she said, and I wrote all of this down like a mad woman. “Underneath the head, right around here,” she said, pointing to her cucumber, “Oh dang, hang on.”

Then she cut a section about two inches down from the tip of the cucumber. We all frowned and inhaled through our teeth. “Oh, for Pete’s sake. No actual dicks were injured in the making of this phallus, settle down, girls.” She carved out a not bad—for a cucumber—reasonable facsimile.

“Okay, this part under here,” she pointed with her knife and again we all flinched, “Is what I call, ‘The eyeflutter,’. Every time you pass by this using the tip of your tongue, his eyes are gonna flutter and fall back into his head.”

“Now this does not mean you only concentrate on this area. Treat it like your tongue’s a ninja. Sneak attacks—when he’s least expecting it.” Then she demonstrated what she had just taught.

“Wow, Gianna, you are really good at that,” Jillian said, her eyebrows raised high as she nodded.

Gianna nodded and shrugged as she popped off the cuke. “They don’t call me the queen for nothin’.”

We all looked at each other in agreement. If there was such a designation, Gianna should definitely wear the crown.

“Next, we have the suction and rhythm section. And I’m not talking about band. Suction is different with every guy. What Julio likes is not necessarily what Daniel likes. Test it out. Suck lighter, then suck harder. See how he reacts.”

“What if you can’t tell?” I asked, finding this portion of the lesson a little vague.

“Then ask. If you’re going to have a good time together, you need to know what he likes. And vice versa. Never be afraid speak up,” she said in her bossy voice. I found it comforting. Her points were all valid. And really, if you couldn’t trust the queen, then who the heck could you trust?

I quickly read over my notes thus far. “Is that it for suction? We still haven’t covered rhythm,” I said, checking off my points.

“Yes, Miss Brown Noser, now into the rhythm section. Again, this will vary. Stay attentive. Try a variety of speeds. Mix it up. Just because you think you’ve found one that works doesn’t mean that’s the be all and end all of blow jobs. Fast, slow, fast, fast, fast,” Gianna said, now using her cucumber to point at us.

“Oh, like the Cha Cha?” Niki said with a cute smile on her face.

“Do not be dancing on dicks, Niki. But if that helps you visualize your moves, then go for it.”

The doorknob on the front door turned. “Darnit, I didn’t get to practice,” I said, and the other girls looked at me.

“Looks like you’re getting a special hands-on exam this afternoon,” Jillian whispered, making the other two ladies giggle a little too loud.

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