Page 112 of A Wedding in Tuscany

Tuscany

I’m sure it’s not the ‘done thing’ to bother your sister when she’s essentially on her honeymoon, but Josh has been gone a few hours now and he’s not answering his phone?I’m starting to worry. I fire off a text.

Sorry! Can you please call me? Sort of urgent :(

Since he left, I have showered and dressed, met with Bianca about getting the flowers to the hospital, and have cleaned up the apartment?not that it was especially messy, but every dish is washed and put away and I’ve even cleaned the outdoor table and swept the balcony. I’m now onto my preliminary pack, though no amount of rolling my clothes and zipping them into packing cubes is soothing the rising panic.

I stare at my phone, which is annoyingly silent on the bedside table, and plop onto the bed. ‘Please come back, Josh,’ I say aloud. I’m hoping that by the time he does, I’ll have figured out how to explain the unfettered longing inside me?one that has nothing to do with Josh and our relationship, or my career, or my family and friends. A longing that I now believe is about a promise I made myself twenty years ago.

The front door of the apartment opens, abruptly ending my angst, and when Josh appears in the doorway of our room, a feeble smile on his face, I rush to him and fall into his arms. The sobs immediately follow, a release of sorts. As irrational as it may be, there was a small part of me that worried he wouldn’t come back?at all. ‘Hey, hey …’ he says, his hands running up and down my back.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I say into his shirt.

‘It’s okay. I’m not really mad, not anymore?it’s just …’ He sighs. ‘Hey, can we sit?’

I nod, then step back and wipe under my eyes, sniffling. He takes one of my hands and leads me to the bed and we sit side by side. I reach for a handful of tissues and blow my nose. ‘How was your walk?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, you know, lots of hills. I got a bit lost, to be honest.’

‘Hah!’ I laugh, the harsh sound echoing around the room. ‘Sorry.’

‘Nah, it is funny. Even with Google Maps, I still got myself turned around. At one point, I was walking in the wrong direction for a good twenty minutes. It’s only when I came to the winery I was talking about earlier that I realised.’ We chuckle softly at his expense, then he takes a deep breath. ‘Look, Sarah, I’ve known for a while that something wasn’t quite right?with you?and if I’m completely honest, I thought that it might have been about me. About us. That maybe you were having doubts and?’

‘No! I promise, it’s not that. I love you.’

‘I know that. At least, my head knows but sometimes I couldn’t convince my heart, so I just ignored it. I should have asked you before what was going on. But I was just too scared. I’m sorry.’

‘Josh, you have nothing to apologise for. I’m the one who should have said something?even though I’ve barely had the words to explain it to myself. But I should have known you’d twig that something wasn’t right, that you’ve been worrying all this time … I’m sorry.’

He nods and looks at me, his steel-grey eyes stormy but filled with love. ‘Why were you able to talk to everyone but me?’

‘That’s a fair question?it is?but I don’t know the answer.’ He looks down at the floor, frowning. ‘I don’t think that’s anything to worry about though,’ I add hurriedly. ‘Just a little disconnect. No relationship is perfect all of the time.’ I’m right, aren’t I? He looks back at me, still frowning. Oh, god.

‘Look, before I met you, I was determined to stay single?remember?’

‘Of course, I remember,’ I say quietly, the tears threatening to return. It had been a massive bone of contention?and a source of pain and doubt?for the better part of a year. I don’t know that I will ever forget that.

‘Well, this is one of the reasons.’

‘What? What do you mean?’ The budding nerves blossom into full-on terror?have we inadvertently crashed into an insurmountable problem?

He gets up and wanders over to the window and scowls out at the view. ‘This feeling?this doubt. I hate wondering if we’re okay, if we’re still on the same page. Because once I realised that I did want to be in a relationship?with you?then I got all these ideas about what it would be, how we would be together. And this … thing?whatever it is that you’re going through?it’s really thrown me for a loop.’

‘I hadn’t realised. But I know that now and I’m really sorry.’

‘And that’s just it. I couldn’t be honest with you about any of this. That’s not how a relationship should be.’

‘What are you saying, Josh?’ I ask, my voice strangled. ‘Do you want to break up?’ I barely get the words out. My heartbeat pounds in my ears, a thudding roar, and this bright, vast, open room suddenly seems to close in on me.

Josh’s eyes fly to mine. ‘What? No!’ He’s across the room in a shot, kneeling before me and taking my hands in his.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, I’m sure. I just … I don’t want us to ever be in this situation again. That’s all.’

I half sigh, half sob. ‘Oh, thank god.’

‘See? I’ve even fucked this up.’

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