Page 10 of Dangerous Love

CHAPTER5

Sienna

Iglanced around my therapist’s office, kicking myself for the rare face-to-face session. Large abstract paintings hung above her, the décor making me feel like the naughty kid in the principal’s office. A few seconds went by before she finally responded to my update.

“Wow, that’s a turn of events.” Evelyn crossed her legs as she waited for me to continue. “How did you feel about that?”

“Weirded out. Right as I sort of accepted I’d have to see them all together, at least at the wedding, Riley appears out of nowhere and acts like we’re still best friends.”

“Aren’t you?” In her usual style, Evelyn challenged me until the buzzing in my head grew louder.

I sighed. “I don’t know. I didn’t see it coming. He’s the same, and yet he’s different. He’s older. More mature. He’s hot—I won’t lie—and he still knows more about my messed-up thinking than anyone else, but he continues to talk to me like I’m one of their patients, and it pisses me off.”

Evelyn nodded, her pencil gravitating to her lips. “Sienna, tell me. Is it the way he talks to you that pisses you off, or is it not being able to hide your demons well when he’s around?”

I shrugged. “Is there a difference?”

“Yes.”

“Ugh. I hate that he can see through me. He sees all my fucked-up shit, and I feel like it makes him pity me. Like I’m some lost puppy that needs rescuing or something.”

“There’re a lot of assumptions in what you’re saying.” She crossed her legs the other way and leaned back on her chair. “But if I’m not mistaken, you’ve never really had a conversation with him about your family history, or even what happened with Hal.”

Tears filled my eyes, my chin wobbling as I answered, “How do I tell him that his father almost had me raped in front of my brother?” I grabbed a tissue from the box between us. “And I’m not stupid either. I know they’re hiding stuff from me too. Avery won’t tell me what went down when I left for Italy.”

“In their defence, Sienna, why do you think that is?”

I clenched my teeth and ignored her question. Like a stubborn brat, I remained silent until the pounding in my chest eased off. It wasn’t like I needed to say it out loud. Both Evelyn and I already knew the answer:Because they thought it would only make me worse. Because they’re convinced they’re protecting me. And because I’ve not been around to have the discussion.

My voice broke. “I’m trying, Evelyn. I just don’t know how to return to how things were before. It’s like every time I trust the universe, it stabs me in the back. First my parents, then the whole Cooper fiasco.Riley.And to be honest, a part of me doesn’t trust any of them.”

A tender smile warmed her face. “It’s understandable. I guess the game now is to distinguish reality from your fears. What’s really driving this?”

A heaviness filled my gut. It swarmed like a bunch of hippos stomping in my belly. I inhaled and slowly let the heavy breath escape. “Everyone ends up leaving me, so it’s easier not to get attached. If it’s on my terms, it doesn’t feel so bad.”

Evelyn leaned forward until her eyes levelled with mine. “Did Avery ever abandon you, Sienna? Think carefully about this.”

Memories of the last decade filled my vision, and guilt drilled me with every flashback. My brother taking me in as an eleven-year-old when Mum left me behind. All our shopping trips that ended with us playing dress-up with expensive clothes we couldn’t afford. Our cook-offs on Sunday mornings.

No. Avery had never left me behind. No matter what.My brother had been more of a father figure to me than anyone else on this planet. Even as he rebuilt his life with Grace, he made sure there was room for me.

I closed my eyes and flinched when my mind replayed Avery’s boot crunching Cooper’s enforcer to a pulp when the bastard’s hands crawled underneath my shorts.He would put a bullet in anyone who tried to hurt me.

“Avery has always been there for me.” I took a sharp breath before I added, “Maybe I just want to let him finally be free of me. Not to have to worry about me, you know?”

Evelyn’s eyes crinkled. “Do you think the answer might be to get… well, healthy and happy. And let the other chips fall where they may?”

You’re just a grumpy bear.Acceptance filled me as Riley’s words floated in my head, and I pictured both Evelyn and him staring at me like I was some hopeless schoolgirl in the corner. “How do I balance feeling so out of control, and pushing through it until I’m not?”

“We call this a dialectical conflict: when two important needs conflict with each other, and they lead to an imbalance until it’s resolved. In this case, deep down you want to feel accepted and part of the group, but you also refuse to feel uncomfortable as you’re putting yourself out there. You just won't allow the distress to exist, and I’m afraid you need to. For example, you have avoided Riley for over three years because you couldn’t stand this notion of rejection. You imagined the meeting to be traumatic and unbearable, and yet, here we are. Honestly, was it as bad as you made it out to be in your mind?”

Hot puffs escaped my lungs, Evelyn’s truth stinging my ears. She was right. For the last couple of years, I’d turned the idea of seeing Riley into a PTSD-inducing home movie, and when it came to crunch time, our catch-up had been pretty nice overall, even if he had eaten half of my butterscotch muffin. “I catastrophised it, clearly.”

“All right, so let’s do a little exercise I like to call theBest, Worst, and Realistic case scenarios.Yeah?”

I narrowed my eyes at Evelyn’s new game.How bad can it be, right? “Okay?”

She clapped her hands, a small twinkle in her eyes. “Consider your relationship with this friend of yours. What would be the best-case scenario there?”

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