Page 44 of Night Fall (The Quantico Files 1)

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Once again, Alex felt as if a life she’d ignored for years was rushing at her, determined to drag her back to the pain she’d endured as a child. Hiding in her room, overcome by fear. She’d sat on the floor, leaning against her bed, repeating one of several mantras. I will not be afraid. I will overcome this. I will be okay. One day I’ll do something great.

She’d made other declarations, but she couldn’t remember them all. She’d shut her mind from recalling those years, but obviously not everything had been banished.

“Alex, please. Tell me what’s going on.”

She looked up at Logan and was surprised to see the concern on his face. She realized she was rocking back and forth, just like she had as a teenager. And she’d been mouthing the words I will not be afraid. I will be okay. She forced her body to relax, but it wasn’t as easy as it should have been.

“Tell me about moving in with your aunt,” Logan said gently. “Please. It clearly traumatized you. Help me understand.”

Anger flared like a fire igniting inside her. “Let’s get back to work. I’m fine. It’s just a shock seeing this again.”

“I thought you never read it.”

Alex took a deep, calming breath. “I didn’t, but like I said, Willow was always quoting from it. She thought she was trying to save me, but I didn’t want her kind of salvation. All I wanted was freedom. You probably can’t understand that.”

“I think I can.” He leaned toward her. “Please let me in. I really want to help.”

Alex pulled the papers from his hands and put them on the table. “If you want to help me, let’s figure out a way to assist law enforcement in catching this guy.”

Logan didn’t move. She realized her response hadn’t satisfied him. She didn’t want to tell him the truth. She wouldn’t risk her career by letting people know who she really was. Had been. But before she could stop herself, words suddenly flowed from her mouth unbidden.

“I don’t know why my father left us when I was four. He just walked out the door one day and never came back. But his leaving destroyed my mother. She’d been great, you know? The kind of mom who baked cookies and took me to the park. She’d tuck me in bed at night and sing a song or tell me a story. She was ... wonderful. Until she wasn’t.”

Alex closed her eyes. “She never smiled after he left. She struggled with depression for years, and we lived off welfare because she couldn’t hold down a job anymore. By the time I was ten, she spent most of her time inside the house, completely overcome. She was there in body, but she wasn’t the mother I’d known. I had to do all the cleaning. Make sure our clothes were washed. She’d go to the store when she could manage it, but I had to write out the grocery list. That’s where I began to learn to take care of myself without anyone to depend on. I know I’ve made it sound like I learned to cook and all the rest once I arrived at Willow’s, but the truth is those last years with my mother...”

Alex cleared her throat and tried to choke back the stream of words pouring out. “When ... when I was twelve...” She put her hands up to her mouth. Why was she saying these things? Why couldn’t she stop?

Logan reached over and gently pulled down her hands. “Don’t be afraid. You can trust me, Alex.”

A wave of fury broke inside her, and she stood, facing him, wanting to break him down. Stop him from caring.

“Trust you? Trust you? I don’t even know you, and I don’t trust anyone.” He reached for her, but she pulled away. “When I came home from school that day...” Tears streamed down her face, but she couldn’t stop them. “I found my mother hanging in the hallway. Our house had two stories, and she’d looped a rope off the staircase railing, fashioned a noose, put it around her neck, and jumped off. It wasn’t like I’d seen on TV. It was ugly ... awful....”

Logan was on his feet, pulling her close to him. She didn’t want to be held. She didn’t want sympathy. She began to beat on his chest, but her blows grew weak and useless, and she melted into his arms. She had no more strength. She couldn’t fight anymore.

After a few minutes, Logan gently sat her down on the couch. “Your coffee’s cold. I’ll warm it up.”

She watched him as he put her cup in the microwave. When he brought it back, she tried to thank him, but she could only gulp. What had she done? Had she just thrown away her career? Would Logan tell Jeff she was unstable?

Logan sat down next to her.

“You never got counseling?”

“Some woman at the child welfare office talked to me before I was hauled off to Wichita, but I didn’t listen. I was too numb.”

“Well, listen to me now,” he said quietly. “When we push too many painful things behind a door in our minds, one day it finally bursts open. It’s too crowded in there. It doesn’t mean we’re unbalanced. It only means our minds are telling us we’ve got to deal with those feelings. That hurt. We can’t do it if we won’t acknowledge what’s going on.”

Alex wiped the tears from her face and picked up the cup he’d brought her. After forcing several sips of the hot liquid down her throat, she put the cup down and looked at him.

“How can you possibly understand?” she asked. “You probably had a perfect life. A perfect family. I doubt if you know how it feels to lose the people who were supposed to keep you safe and then end up with someone like Willow. Once again, I was the adult. She was the child. She needed even more help than my mother. I did everything. She did nothing.” She took a deep breath. “I couldn’t have friends. Couldn’t invite people to the house. Whenever someone came over other than the Circle—a repairman, whatever—Willow would act crazy. Tell them the end of the world was coming.”

“But Mike was a friend?”

Alex nodded. “He was nice to me. We weren’t that close, but he’d seen Willow at her worst and didn’t mind. His parents seemed to understand my situation and welcomed me into their home. Made sure I had enough clothes to wear and school supplies. They were very kind. They were the bright spot in an otherwise miserable life.”

“Alex, there’s something I don’t get. The feelings you have toward Willow ... She may have been disturbed, but she doesn’t sound mean. Certainly not dangerous.”

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