Page 54 of Forever Love

This time I reach over and squeeze his hand. “I’m proud of you for making that decision.”

He looks at me earnestly. “I’m really trying to learn.”

Dr. Jim chuckles and smiles. “That’s a very good thing. And something not everyone wants to do. I’m glad you’ve made that choice. And the choice to avoid alcohol.”

Braden gives a little nod, and we both take a few breaths before Dr. Jim directs us back to talking about the breakup.

In case we weren’t already emotionally tapped.

“We were talking about Braden leaving for the night. What happened then…?”

“He came back the next day with flowers, but…” I pause and look at Braden. “I know what happened next. I remember what I said, but I don’t really understand why you did what you did.”

Braden turns toward me. His eyes look just as haunted and filled with pain as they did that day. “The first day of school, when we fought, you told me you clung to me, hung on for dear life. You were right. I saw it in your eyes. You were forcing yourself to hold on. That crushed me. The pain was too much. That’s why I left the way I did. I knew you didn’t want me anymore, even if you hadn’t admitted it to yourself yet.”

Tears stream down my face as I stare at him. I grab both of his hands in mine. “You were right. I wanted to believe we could fix it. I kept grabbing tighter, and you slipped further away. When you left, all I wanted was for you to come back. I was frantic because I didn’t want to lose you. We were still connected. We always will be. You leaving like you did broke me. I would’ve rather screamed and cried it all out with you.”

“But I couldn’t—I didn’t know how to do that.” His voice is raw, like when he first woke up in the hospital. Sniffing back tears, he turns back toward Dr. Jim but keeps one hand wrapped around mine. “I just wanted to get away from the pain. That’s why I ran away. I didn’t know how to deal with it. So, I left, went on vacation with my parents, then stayed with my uncle for a few weeks after that.”

“I wasn’t sure you were coming back.” My voice is quiet and hollow. The mix of anger and hurt I felt when I wasn’t sure he’d come home wells in my stomach again.

“Sometimes I didn’t want to,” he admits.

“But you did,” Dr. Jim says. “What made you decide to come home?”

“Harper.”

My eyes flash to his and my heart softens.

“I didn’t want to be the dad who left his kid—even though I was for a little while. I was a mess when I came back. Angry at myself. Hurting. And I felt so guilty—I still do. It’s a big part of the reason I was distant when I came back. I didn’t know what to say—how to apologize. I came back for her, but felt like I didn’t deserve a place in her life.”

My eyes close. “You’re her dad, Brade.” Opening my eyes again, I say, “I was mad at you. I was hurt, but I’ve always wanted you in her life. No—those aren’t the right words. That makes it sound like I want you to have apieceof her life. I’ve always wanted you to be her parent. To throw yourself in the middle of it all. You’ve made some shitty choices, and I know that both before and since all that, you’ve second-guessed yourself and your ability to be a good dad, but when it comes down to it,you are. You adore her, care for her, and want the best for her.”

“But I’ve done some awful things—”

“So, learn from them. Because I know the best parts of you—you just need to let them out.”

Braden chuckles. “If you should know anything about her—it’s that shenevergives up,” he says to Dr. Jim.

“That’s an admirable quality,” he says with a smile. Then he looks between the two of us. “Let’s continue.”

I’m tempted to glance at the clock, wondering how much time I have left on today’s emotional rollercoaster, but I force myself to stay present, grateful for the fact that we’refinallydealing with all of this.

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