Page 13 of Temptation (Temptation 1)

Approval my adoptive mother, Lydia, was completely incapable of giving.

Still, that need for approval never truly disappeared. It always lingered in the background, dictating some of my decisions.

Hell, dictating most of my decisions.

“Good.” Seemingly content, she took a sip of wine before stealing back the stack of napkins. “And that leads us to item number thirty-nine.” Her lips curved into a sly smile.

I knew I wouldn’t like what she planned to write. Over the past few years, as our friendship grew and blossomed to the point where she became more like a sister than an employee, I’d learned nothing good ever followed that particular smile.

Once she finished writing, I looked at the napkin. “Take back my sexual freedom?”

“When’s the last time you had sex?” she asked without a single concern for the group of older gentlemen sitting mere feet away.

As expected, they popped their heads up, quite interested in my response.

“Why does that matter?” I wasn’t in the habit of talking about my sex life with anyone, let alone in a restaurant, surrounded by complete strangers.

Then again, I’d have had to be having sex to have a sex life.

At this point, I could have been considered a born-again virgin. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I still knew how to do it right.

“Because you shouldn’t keep depriving yourself of the gift of an orgasm that isn’t hand or battery powered,” she responded. “You’re a beautiful woman who is at the peak of her sexuality right now. Use that. Have some crazy, hot sex. Let go of all this guilt and just be free to do whatever you want, including whomever you want.”

I narrowed my gaze. “You know why it’s not that simple.”

“So you’ve said for years now,” she responded dismissively, not giving my concern a moment’s thought. “I get you’ve been through a lot these past few years. As has Imogene. And like the amazing mom you’ve always been, you’ve done everything in your power to ensure the past wouldn’t affect her. And you succeeded, Jules.” She reached across the table, clutching my hand in hers. “Imogene has grown into this amazing, caring, empathetic young woman any mother would be proud to call her own. I’m definitely proud to call myself her auntie. But she is growing up. Becoming more and more independent with every passing day.”

“Don’t I know it.” I pulled my hand from her grasp and sipped on my wine.

I didn’t need a reminder of the fact that my daughter seemed to need me less and less these days. There was once a time she rarely left my side, that I wished for just one moment of peace.

But now that she was in her teens, I’d give anything to go back to the days when I was her world. Now, her friends were her world. She still loved me, and I was comforted by the strong bond we had, especially when Imogene told me stories of her friends’ rough relationships with their own moms. It wasn’t the same, though. She no longer needed me like she used to.

“You can’t keep using Imogene as an excuse. You’re allowed to put yourself first.”

“I’m a mom. There’s no such thing as putting myself first. Not when another person depends on me.”

“Imogene would want you to put yourself first. She just wants you to be happy. Wants you to experience the same happiness you’ve made sure she’s enjoyed all her life. Wants you to finally stop living in the past.”

“I’m not living in the past,” I argued, my voice lacking the conviction I wished it had.

“You’re still allowing your past to dictate your decisions in the present. The longer you remain in the past, the less of a future you’ll have to enjoy. I’m not asking you to pretend the past never happened. It did. But instead of living in fear of it repeating itself, like you have been, you need to celebrate it.”

I barked out a laugh. “You think I should celebrate Nick?”

“No…,” she drew out, not insisting I use one of her many colorful nicknames for my ex. Which indicated she was serious about this. “I think you should celebrate that, despite it all, you’ve moved on. That your experience has given you the strength, courage, and wisdom you have today. Celebrate that. Don’t let the negatives haunt you for the rest of your life.” She gave me a reassuring smile. “And you can start by making me a promise.”

“What’s that?”

“That while you’re in Hawaii, you’ll put yourself first.”

I rolled my eyes, about to argue I was here for work, when she continued.

“That’s what this list is about.” She waved the napkins in front of me.

“It is?” I asked skeptically.

“Of course. The purpose isn’t for you to simply have a one-night stand or buy a vibrator. The purpose is for you to stop trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. To make a decision because it’s something you want to do, and to hell with what everyone might think or say. Maybe you’ll only cross a few things off this list. Maybe you’ll love the rush and excitement so much that you’ll go on to accomplish everything. It doesn’t matter, as long as you see this list for what it is. A framework for learning to put yourself first.” She leaned back in her chair, finishing off the last of her glass of wine.

---