Page 91 of Marrying Hope

HOPE

It suddenly feels as if all warmth has left my body.

Warmth that had engulfed me since this morning whenever I thought about Zach. Warmth that was still with me when he confessedagainthat he can’t be loyal to me, that I’m not enough for him.

But talking about Ray’s father is a whole different level of pain and humiliation. It means opening pages of my life that I have kept hidden from everyone, including my parents. My dad and mom tried to ask me in every way possible, politely, rudely, but I didn’t budge.

Often over the years, I have wondered how would it be to share this pain with someone. But I could never gather enough courage.

But what about Zach?

In my heart, I know he’s the one person in the world who won’t judge me and my transgressions.

He doesn’t take any crap and speaks his mind. He does not show false pity or false concern.

“We have to talk about this.” Zach presses on my cold hands.

I nod, but the words are hard to get out. My chest tingles from not getting enough oxygen.

Will he still want to continue with this…thing we have started or will my truth make me too revolting for him?

There’s no way to know the answer of this unless you tell him, Hope.

What are you going to lose?

Your husband doesn’t love you anyways.

I take a deep breath and let my heart speak for the first time.

“You would have guessed by now that I was eighteen when I had Ray.”

He nods.

“My mom and dad had a marriage which would make legendary love stories jealous. They were in so much love that it sometimes hurts to see Mom alone.”

There’s an effusion of warmth inside my chest as I remember the times I’d find them sleeping by the fire in the morning in each other’s arms.

“Every evening while making dinner, they danced to Sinatra or Ella’s voice filling our small cozy home. If you think Mom is playful now, you should have seen her back then.” A smile crosses my face, remembering all the pranks she used to play on Dad.

“My parents had always wanted a big family, but something happened during Mom’s pregnancy with me and she couldn’t have more children. So, they pampered me with all the love they had. And they had so much to give.” My ribs tighten to a point that it aches as I remember my childhood.

“I did well at school, but I took after Dad and his passion for cooking. He was an amazing chef. On weekends, I would accompany him to the restaurant where he worked and the whole week I looked forward to spending time with him and his co-workers.” I glance up at Zach, leaning back on the couch as he smiles.

“I’m happy to hear that, Hopper.” Only when he runs his thumb over my cheeks, I realize happy tears are running down my face. “Go on.”

“At home we would pretend I was his sous chef. I soon found that I liked baking more than anything. I baked a cake for my parents on their anniversary once and it became a tradition.”

Zach gently rubs my back when the emotions in my heart become too much. So many feelings suppressed over time. So much guilt. Everything bubbling to finally find an escape.

I burrow my face into his chest when he pulls me closer. It feels so good to have somebody’s support and protection. I have missed this feeling of security since Dad, and I want to hold on to it for as long as possible.

“Growing up, I didn’t have many friends. I enjoyed my parents’ company so much that I really never wanted to be with anyone else. My parents too were very protective of me. They never let me out of their sight.”

Except one day, which changed my fate forever.

“One day, at school, one of my classmates told us about a new club in town and that her brother worked there. He could sneak us in, but we were still underage, which meant we would be lying at home.” My eyes meet Zach’s as his eyebrows rise up. I clear my throat, gulping down the shame. “I had never done anything like this and listening to the plan I felt a foreign thrill or maybe it was the devil in me. I came up with a lie.” I pause, my throat parched.

“I came up with it, Zach. It was my idea.” My throat constricts as for the first time I say the words out loud. It is the first time I have confessed this to anyone. “We prepared a pamphlet at a printing shop about a girls-only night at school. We even gave the phone number of one of the girls in case the parents would call to confirm. Can you believe it, how evil I could think at the age of seventeen?”

---