* * *
At quarter to two, I sling Sailor’s diaper bag over my shoulder. I’m due over at the wellness center to help Jackson with the final self-defense class of the series. I don’t know why the date hadn’t clicked with me when I put it on my calendar. March 23 will be a dark day for me for the remainder of my life. I hold out my arms to Sailor. “Come here, sweet baby. Time to go see our friends at the gym.”
She perks up. “Fends?”
“Yep.” Violet or Addison will be at the front desk, and they love it when I bring Sailor with me. “You have friends to see in the day care while Daddy teaches.”
“Dackson?”
I huff out a laugh. “Yeah, Jackson, too.” She’s taken a real liking to him these last couple of weeks. I think it’s probably because he sneaks her cookies before every class. The dude is huge, but he’s got a soft heart for kids. Sailor holds out her arms, and I pick her up, setting her on my hip.
At my Bronco, I take a deep breath and open the passenger door. I’ve only recently upgraded Sailor’s car seat to one of the larger convertible ones. I set her on the back seat and let her climb in on her own. My head a mess, I take a few seconds longer than usual to adjust the straps just so, making sure she’s in there properly. Not a day has gone by that I’ve forgotten how her car seat saved her life, and there’s no way it wouldn’t weigh heavy on my mind. Today, everything reminds me of Terri and the accident.
I suppress the urge to unhook Sailor and take her back into the house with me. Maybe we shouldn’t be driving around. Is it wrong that I’m going to be out doing things? Are people going to look at me strangely? It’s a small town. I swear it feels like everyone’s been walking on eggshells around me lately. I don’t know the answer to whether this is right, but all I can do is continue on.
Needing to feel close to my wife, I lean in and kiss our child’s cheek, which makes Sailor giggle and squirm. She pats my cheek with her chubby toddler hand and looks at me with those blue, blue eyes, and my heart squeezes so hard, I have to press my hand to it in an attempt to soothe the ache.
Yeah.Rough day. Getting into the driver’s seat, I turn on some music, and take off. I listen to plenty of kiddie music and TV shows all day long when I’m home with her, but the car has always been my domain. Someday maybe I’ll have to change up my radio stations, but for now Sailor’s too young to know what I’m listening to or have much of an opinion about it. I’ve never played kid stuff in the car, and I’ll keep it that way if I can. Today, especially, I need to be able to zone out.
It’s a short ride from our home to the wellness center where the self-defense classes take place, and I admit to letting out a relieved breath when we arrive safely. It’s not that I’ve ever been scared to get behind the wheel after what happened to Terri. It’s just… today. Today sucks. It’s anyone’s guess if my head is screwed on straight. Frustrated, I plow my hands through my hair and take a few cleansing breaths. Not that I think they’ll help. But dammit, I’m trying.
“Daddy?”
Shaking myself free of my thoughts, I meet Sailor’s eyes in the rearview mirror. I’ve got a mirror fastened to a back seat headrest so I can see her while I drive. “Yeah, baby. You ready to go in?”
“Yeah!” Her excited squeal sets me into motion. I climb out of the car, hiking up my joggers. After slipping the keys into my pocket, I pop the back door open, putting a grin on my face for my daughter’s sake. “Less go, Daddy!”
“Yep, let’s go.”