Page 35 of Love Me Again

"Oh baby, I'm even crazier about you...both of you." He affirms earnestly and kisses me slow and deep in that way that makes my head swim.

I close my eyes at the ache in my heart and sob into my pillow. How did we go from that to this? How? I want to scream until my lungs give out. I'm going to lose my mind. The more I think about him being with Sophie, holding her, and kissing her, the more it kills me.

At least the last time we broke up, I knew he was hurting just like I was, and I somehow found comfort in that. It was easier to breathe. But this time, knowing he doesn't care and is just getting on with his day drives me crazy. I need him to feel pain, I want him to hurt like I am, but he isn't.

I was in absolute agony, and I was angry, with him, with the situation, with the fate that let this happen to us. I have the sudden urge to walk into his office and throw everything I possibly can at him so that he can feel something. God, I hate him. I hate him.

I pull my phone out when I feel it vibrate in my back pocket. Josh was calling. I push the button and answer it. "Josh."

"Hey, pretty girl. You okay?"

I close my eyes and weep, "No." I hear Josh heave a deep sigh. "Josh, please tell me he's not gone to her, please."

"No, Shay, he hasn't. Cole's head is a mess. We just got to the house because he couldn't even focus on work. He's just trying to figure all of this out, but it's not making much sense to him. I've not seen him like this ever, Shay. He's just sitting on the floor, his head in his hands, staring sadly at the picture you ripped apart." Josh explains, and I cry. "Shayla, please stop crying. Think about the baby. The doctor said no stress, remember."

I shake my head, hugging my pillow. "It hurts, Josh. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind every time I remember those words he said to me. I don't want to believe that my Cole would ever say those things to me."

"He wouldn't." Josh sighs, "He's just not himself right now. Yesterday, he had a bit of a breakdown at the hospital and admitted he's really struggling with everything. I was furious with him for hurting you, but I get where he's coming from. Cole said he remembers things, but the emotional attachment to those moments isn't there. The only thing he remembers clearly is the accident. You should have seen the fear in his eyes when he was describing what happened." Josh explains, and I close my eyes. My heart clenches painfully, picturing him terrified in that flight. "Cole said the last thought he had just before they hit the ground...was you." I whimper into my hand.

"Oh, my God."

"Believe me when I tell you, he's not doing any of this to hurt you in any way. He just doesn't want to disappoint you anymore, Shayla."

"I know, but that doesn't make it hurt any less, Josh. I have no right to be angry with him because it's not his fault—but I am. I'm hurt, and I'm mad, and I don't know who else to blame. Who do I blame Josh, tell me? Do I blame God? Do I blame myself for not getting on that plane with him? Who do I blame? Tell me!" I cry into my pillow. "Tell me because I'm about to lose my mind."

"Shayla, no one is to blame. It was an unfortunate accident, babe. That's all." He sighs, and I jump when I hear a crash on his side. "Oh fuck, I have to go."

"Cole, stop!"

I sit up.

"What was that? Is that Aimee?"

Josh groans, "That's Cole turning over the dining table. I'll come and see you later, okay? He says before I hear him shout Coles name, followed by another crash, and then the line cuts off.

I stare at the phone for a couple of seconds. God, please give me the strength to get through this.

* * *

Two weeks crawl on by,and the pain has yet to subside. There's a constant ache and heaviness in my chest that I can't seem to shake. I've not seen or spoken to Cole at all, nor did I have any desire to.

I force myself to go outside to get some air. I feared I'd lose what little sanity I have left if I kept myself hauled up inside. I went for an appointment with my midwife to check everything is okay with the baby, and thankfully she's perfect, growing nicely. Well, she would, the amount of food Jo and Aimee keep shoving down my throat.

On the thirteenth day, I got a visit from Cole's mother. I was surprised to see her standing at my door. "Hi, sweetheart."

"Hi," I reply and step aside to let her in. "Come on in." I close the door and walk to the living room. Elaine looks me over, a deep sadness in her honey-coloured orbs, as she takes a seat on the sofa beside me.

"I've wanted to come and see you for a while, but Tristan told me to give you space." I stare at my hand and ignore the pinch in my heart at the mention of his name. "How are you, sweetie?"

I lift my eyes and look at her. "As well as can be, given the circumstance," I reply, blinking away the tears that gather in my eyes. Elaine nods, reaching over, and takes my hand into hers.

"You're devastated, honey, I know. I'm devastated for you. Tony and I both are. I can't even begin to fathom what you're going through right now. Especially while being pregnant." She says forlornly and squeezes my hand gently. "I wish I could make sense of all of this, Shayla. I am absolutely beside myself that this has happened to you two when you were so happy together." Elaine expresses, tears rolling down her face. "When I found out what he said to you, I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe that my son, my Tristan, would ever say such a thing, especially to you of all people."

I stare down at my hands and shake my head. "Neither could I," I whisper, wiping away the tears with my fingers. "But he did. He chose Sophie over his baby and me."

"Shayla, he would never choose her over you honey, he's just not himself since the accident. He's still stuck in 2016 when he first met her. Right now, she's the only thing that makes sense to him. Even though he's married to you, emotionally, he's tied to her, and he said he feels like he's unfaithful to her." I close my eyes and sigh. "He's confused, and his feelings are all over the place. His head is a literal mess. I can see him sinking deeper and deeper into this depressive state, and I don't know how to help him. We've tried to be there for him, but he's shutting us out." Elaine cries, shaking her head.

"I tried to be there for him, I did, but he doesn't want me. Cole made it very clear when he took his ring off and handed it back to me," I tell her while twirling the ring on my finger. "I didn't give up on us. He did."

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