Page 31 of Love Me Again

"I don't know. Everything is in pieces," I tell him and squeeze my eyes shut. "I keep getting these random moments flash in my mind for a second, and thenit's gone again."

"Cole, it sounds like small pieces of memories are starting to come back. This is a wonderful thing."

"Why now?"

Dr Bennet rubs his forehead. "It's hard to say why, son. It could be a number of thingsthatmay trigger some memories into coming back. A particular smell, for example, a meaningful word you hear orevenbouts of sudden stress." He clarifies.

I sigh, shaking my head, "I don't...I don't want to remember. Make it stop...please, make it stop!" I growl, my head in my hands, rocking back and forth.

"Cole, it's going to be okay—"

"No! It's not!" I lift my eyes to his, unshed tears blurring my vision, "The crash." I breathe, staring at the wall ahead. "I remember..."

"Tell me?"

"The distress call. The moment the pilot told me we were going to crash, and I should brace for impact. The terror in his eyes when he told methat. We were falling so fast. The smell of smoke filled the cabin, and I—I remember the momentjustbefore hitting the ground, that split second before everything went dark. I had one thought—Shayla." I whisper, looking over at Josh, tears flowing down my face, and he shakes his head sullenly.

Dr Bennet sighs, "Cole. You must go and speak to a professional. Now you're starting to remember the accident, the panic attacks, the anxiety will only get worse, and you're already showing early signs of PTSD, which isverycommon in cases like yours. You have to open up and talk to someone and not shut your feelings off because you're scared of facing them. I know it may feel like it, son, but you're not alone. You have people around youthatlove you and want to support you."

"They don't understand. No one understands." I whisper, shaking my head. "They keep telling me over and overthatI've changed andthatI'm not myself-- only I don't know I've changed because, to me, I'mjustme. It'sjustthatmy life doesn'tseemlike mine any more. I feel like I'm living in another person's body trying to figure out where I fit in their life." I explain woefully, rubbing my temples.

"I remember some things, but most of them I can't place the emotional connection to go with it. Other than the accident, Ijustcan't, and I'm tired of letting people down, especially her."

I sob. "I can't stand to see the disappointment in her eyes every time she tells me she loves me, and Ijuststare at her blankly or when she talks about the baby and expects a reaction from me and gets nothing-- because I can'tevenremember the moment we conceived it." I cry and look at Josh, who was watching me.

"The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her, Josh, I swear. I'mjusttrying to take each day as it comes and figure this shit out the bestthatI can."

"Why didn't you tell us any of this? You should have explained all of this to her instead of blowing up at her likethat. Shay didn't deservethat, Cole." Josh sighs, walking over to me.

"Josh, I've tried, but no one understands what I'm going through, man. It's like me shoving a stranger into your life who is pregnant and saying here—this is your wife and your baby, love them." I explain, wiping away the tearsthatkept streaming down my face.

"It'sjustnotthatsimple, and I've never felt so alone and alienated from my own life. No matter what I fucking do, whatever choice I make, someone will end up getting hurt because of me."

Josh shakes his head and walks over, and hugs me tight. "You're not alone, bro. I'm always here for you. You knowthat." I weep into his shoulder, finally letting out all the pent-up emotions I've been suppressing since the accident. "We're going tohelpyou through this, all right." I nod silently and pull back from his embrace.

* * *

After Doctor Bennetexamined my CT scan, he assured me everything was perfectly normal, and the headaches and nosebleeds are related to my amnesia. I would experience this on and off for a while. Well,that'ssimply great,justone more thing on top of everything else I have to deal with.

"Josh," I call out as we walk back up to the maternity ward where Shayla and Aimee were. Josh looks at me questioningly. "I need to see her and apologise."

Josh shakes his head swiftly. "Cole, no.That'snot a good idea. You're the last person she wants to see orevenneeds to see forthatmatter." He declares ruefully, and I sigh wistfully, rubbing my forehead.

"I understandthat, but I need to apologise for the things I said to her. She needs to know I'm sorry." I explain, and Josh exhales deeply.

"You two are going to be the death of me, I swear to god. Aimee is furious with you, and she will kill you before she lets you anywhere near Shayla." Josh sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'll steal her away, but make it quick, and if Aimee asks, I didn't help you, or she will castrate me. Understand?" I nod and hide around the corner when Josh walks into the room to get Aimee.

I wait anxiously until they both come out a couple of minutes later. Josh gestures me to go, and I slip into the room and close the door. Shayla opens her eyes and looks at me, her eyes rimmed red and puffy. She sucks in a sharp breath and closes her eyes again.

"Get out." She whispers, her voice quivering.

"Shayla—"

"Get out, Cole."

"Shayla, I'm sorry," I apologise, moving over to her, and she sobs, turning her head away from me.

"Oh, you're sorry? Okay, great." She bites her bottom lip. "I feel much better, thank you." She cries, wiping her tears with her fingers. "You can leave now."

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