Page 103 of Love Me Again

This chapter contains sensitive content (abuse/assault) that some may find triggering or upsetting. It's not graphic, but I advise you to skip this chapter or read it at your own risk.

I stareout of the window at the gradually dimming sky. The sound of the rain hitting the window and the distant rumble of the thunder was soothing.

It gave me something else to focus on, other than the ache in my body, my wrists' stinging, and the crippling fear that had my heart racing a mile a minute. I didn’t think I would see daylight ever again.

The scary part is that I was okay with that. In fact, I was welcoming it. I gave up fighting after the third time. I begged them every hour to just kill me, but they didn’t. Sophie wanted me to suffer, and suffer I did. I can still feel their hand’s all over me. I can feel their long beards dragging along my skin, making every hair on my body stand with disgust. I thought I was broken before—I was wrong. Now, I’m broken and damaged beyond repair. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want to live in this body. It doesn’t belong to me anymore. I feel dirty and tainted.

Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces walking toward me with those dark and leery eyes. I was terrified of falling asleep because I’m afraid I’ll open my eyes and see his face close to mine. Being woken up by the foul stench of his breath. The dark, chilling smirk. His voice whispering in my ear that I was worthless now as he yanks my legs apart and forces himself into me.

I don’t want to live with those memories for the rest of my life. I couldn’t bear to look Cole in the eyes. I feel ashamed and unclean. I don’t feel like his wife anymore— I don’t belong to him. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me ever again, not after they robbed me of my pride, my self-worth—my life.

I don’t want to live.

I flinch, and my heart starts to race when the door opens slowly. I’m safe. They can’t hurt me anymore, but every time I hear that door open, in my head, it’s that very door to that room opening, and I expect them to walk in and hurt me again. I lift my eyes and see my two best friends standing at the door. I sigh in relief, but my heart refuses to settle. Fear still consumes me. They gasp when they look at me, their eyes fill with tears, and they look at me in horror and pity. I haven’t looked in the mirror in days. I don’t need to because I can see the terror in the eyes of those I love the most. I’m a monstrosity, and I feel it. I drop my gaze, not having the stomach, to look them in the face.

They walk over to me, and I sob silently while they crawl up on the bed to hug me, but I shrink away from them, and they back away, “Shayla…” Aimee whispers, her voice breaks, and I squeeze my eyes shut. “We were so worried we’d never see you again.” She cries, reaching out to touch my hand, but I move it, and she sighs dejectedly.

“Shayla, we know you’re terrified, babe, but please don’t ever think you’re alone. Aimee and I are here for you if you need to talk. We’re here for you, babe, always.” Jo tells me, and I shake my head slowly.

“I don’t want to talk. I just want to shower. I can still feel their hands, their saliva…” I close my eyes and wince. “All over me. Please, please just help me wash them off me.” I sob helplessly while they cry with me.

Aimee sucks in a deep breath and exhales, wiping away her tears. “Okay, come on.” She stands and holds her hands out to me, and Jo walks around the bed to help her. I hesitate, but I slide my hand into hers, and they help me out of bed. I cry out when a sharp pain shoots up my leg and ribs. “Lean on us, Shay, don’t put weight on your ribs.” I shake my head, unable to move. It hurt—every step I took hurt.

“I can’t. I can’t walk. It hurts.” I sob pathetically, and they exchange looks.

“Shall we get Cole to carry you to the bathroom?” Aimee asks, and I cry. I don’t want him to see me like this, but I don’t have a choice. I have to shower. I nod and hold on to Jo when Aimee opens the door and sticks her head out to call for Cole. He comes rushing over and looks at me; our eyes meet, and the despair in his eyes every time he looks at me makes me want to die even more. “She can’t walk. Can you carry her to the bathroom?” Aimee asks, and he nods and walks over to me. I look up at him as he stares into my eyes.

“Can I?” He asks, gesturing to his arms, and I nod timidly. I hiss when he lifts me into his arms so carefully like I was a fragile china doll he was afraid he would break with the barest pressure. He walks to the bathroom on the other side of the room. We walk in, and he sets me back down on my feet again slowly. “You okay?” Cole asks when I whimper and hobble, trying not to put pressure on my leg that was stabbed. Cole takes hold of my hands, and he guides me slowly toward the shower when I look up and catch my reflection in the mirror. I gasp when I see the state of me. I had two black eyes, my lips were dry and cracked, and I had a deep cut on my temple. My face was swollen on one side when I’d been punched while trying to fight them off me. My neck was bruised, where they gripped me tightly and held me down. I had a bite mark just below my collar bone. I choke on a strangled cry and collapse into Cole's arms, screaming as loud as my lungs would allow.

Cole gathers me into his arms and holds me as I weep defenceless into his chest. “Why did you save me? Why didn’t you let me die? I was ready to die! I don’t want to live. I don’t.” I sob into him, and he tightens his hold on me.

“Shayla, please don’t talk like that. You’re going to heal, baby. In time it’s going to get better.”

“No, it’s not! It’s not ever going to get better—it’s not. They robbed me of my life! I belong to them now, and I can’t live with the image of them in my head. I can’t, Cole, I can’t!” I scream, hitting my head, and Cole grabs my hand, stopping me.

“Get the doctor. Now!” Cole shouts at Aimee, and she runs out of the room as I cry hysterically.

“Let me die, please just let me die!” I sob, shaking my head. I see images of them walking toward me, and I scream, closing my eyes. “Get them off of me, Cole, please get them off me!” I try to scream, but nothing came out. I tremble frantically in his arms. Cole lifts me into his arms and hits the water, and steps under the shower with me.

“It’s okay, baby, shh, shh, it’s okay. They’re gone, they’re gone.” Cole assures me. He lifts my head and lets the water run over my face as he brushes the dried blood away. “You don’t belong to them. You’re mine, and you always will be.” He tells me, pressing his forehead to mine, and I shake my head, sobbing. The doctor comes running in, and I jerk in Cole's arms while he holds me. “They’re going to give you something to relax. It’s okay, sweetheart.”

“No! I don’t want to sleep! I don’t want to sleep!” I scream terrified. If I sleep, I’ll see them, and I don’t want to. “No, please! Please.” I sob, shaking my head vigorously.

“All right, all right. He’s gone, he’s gone, baby.” Cole shakes his head, and the doctor backs away, and I whimper, panting. Aimee and Jo had run out of the bathroom, sobbing when they saw me in that state. “I got her. Leave us.” The bathroom empties, leaving me alone with Cole. He holds me until my sobs ebb away, and silent tears remained. “Let me take these off you, baby, and we can clean you up properly.” I pull back and allow him to undress me slowly. “Keep your eyes on me, okay.” I try to look down at myself, but he lifts my gaze to his. “On me, sweetheart.” I nod and keep my eyes on him as he washes my body gently.

“Harder,” I whisper. “Scrub me harder.”

“Shayla—”

“Scrub me harder!” I sob, and he nods and scrubs me with more force, and I wince, watching his face as he scowls, his jaw clenched tight and throbbing. I wanted to rip my skin off. Every part of me they touched, I wanted to burn. I wash my hair and turn the dial making the water hotter until it burned my skin. I hear Cole hiss when the hot water hits him, and he reaches to turn it down, but I stop him.

“No,” I whisper.

“Shay, you’re going to scald yourself. It’s too hot, baby.”

“Leave it.” I hiss, closing my eyes as I stand under the spray. I wanted it to burn. I needed it to burn; maybe that would wash away the stench of shame they’ve left on me. “I can’t get clean.” I whimper weakly, and Cole draws me into his arms and kisses my forehead.

“Baby, you are clean. If you keep torturing yourself like this, you’re letting them win. You’re letting that bitch Sophie win. What happened to you doesn’t define you, do you hear me? You’re the strongest, most beautiful girl I have ever met. It’s going to take time, but you will beat this, and I’m going to be there by your side every step of the way. I’ll be your strength through all of it. If you keep it locked away in your head, it will haunt you forever. Talk to me, talk to the girls. I’ll find you the best therapist out there. You’re going to beat this.” Cole affirms, and the water shuts off before he helps me out of the shower.

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