Page 98 of Cuffed By Love

There.I finally said it. The question that’s been burning a hole in my head for the last nine years.

“Why Devin?”

Devin turns to face me fully, looking at me disconcertedly, his brows knitted together tightly. “Tinks, I did say goodbye.”

“No, you didn’t!” I retort, shaking my head hastily. “You left without saying a word. When I got back from my aunt’s, you were already gone.” I tell him evenly. I can already feel the lump growing in my throat. My emotions were starting to choke me.

Devin takes a giant step toward me. “Maybe not to your face. But I wrote you a letter!”

I scowl at him. “A letter? What the hell are you talking about?! I didn’t get no letter from you, Dev!”

Devin’s shoulders sag, and he stares at me wordlessly for a long moment. “Mira, I wrote you a letter and left it for you in our secret spot in our tree.” Devin clarifies gravely. “I even left you a note before I left.”

I shake my head forlornly. “I didn’t get any notes or letters, Devin. How could you not tell me you were leaving?” I ask. Unable to hold back the tears any longer, they spill over my cheeks. “After what happened between us, did I mean so little to you that you couldn’t tell me you were leaving? Didn’t I deserve a goodbye after eleven years?!” I cry.

Devin’s jaw tightens, and his eyes glimmer. “Mira, I couldn’t.” He declares, his voice thick with emotion as he moves closer to me. “I couldn’t bear it. Leaving you wasn’t my choice.”

“But sleeping with me knowing you would leave was your choice, though, wasn’t it?”

“Neither of us planned that, Mira. I was just a kid. I didn’t come over hoping to sleep with you. It just happened.” Devin tries to justify reaching out to take my hand, but I push it away. “Walking away from you that morning knowing I’d never see you again was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.” I close my eyes and sob. “Mira.” Devin sighs, reaching out to pull me to him, but I back away and shake my head.

“No,” I weep. “After you left me, still naked in bed, I waited two days for you to call or text me or come and explain why you just took off without a word, but you didn’t, Devin! I came back to find you gone!” I shout. Devin’s eyes fill with tears, and he swallows hard. “I was devastated. I trusted you, I gave myself to you without hesitation, and you took what you wanted and just left me there without an explanation.”

“I was devastated, too! You think I wanted to leave you, Mira. I didn’t have a choice. You were my everything. My entire world began and ended with you!” Devin explains sorrowfully. “I waited months for you to reach out to me. I left you every possible way to reach me in that letter, and when I didn’t hear from you, I thought you didn’t care.”

“I did care!” I fire back, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand. “I didn’t get your letter. But you could have called me. You had my number, my email. You could have reached out to me, but you didn’t, not once.”

Devin walks over and grabs hold of my arms, “Do you have any idea how many times I picked up the phone to call you over the years. When I heard nothing back from you, I didn’t think you wanted me in your life anymore. I never forgot about you. There was never a single day where you didn’t cross my mind.”

I look up at him and shake my head. “Words, empty words and promises. That’s all I ever got from you. Levi left too, but he called, he kept in touch. Every birthday, every Christmas without fail, he always called. He’s always been there. So, don’t stand there and make excuses, Dev. You gave up on us the moment you took what you wanted from me. If I meant as much to you as you’re making out, you would have made an effort, and maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today.” I say and break out of his hold, but Devin holds onto my hand and shakes his head woefully.

“Mira, it broke me leaving you the way I did. But I knew there was no way that I could look you in the eyes and say goodbye. It would have killed me. I just couldn’t do it.”

I lick my lips and sigh. “But you chose to wreck me instead? Was that easier, Dev? Did you not consider for one measly second how I felt waking up and finding you gone? I woke up with your smell still lingering on my skin. I could still taste your kiss and feel your touch. That night meant everything to me.”

Devin closes his eyes; his jaw clenched tight. “It meant everything to me too. It still does.” He whispers, cupping my face in his large hands. “Every moment I ever shared with you means the world to me. You never forget your first Mira, and you were my first everything. I could never forget the way your lips felt against mine, or the way you taste, or how sweet you smell. I had to bury you in the deepest corner of my heart and force myself to move on, but you were always there, you still are, and you always will be.” Tears spill down his cheeks when he closes his eyes and presses his forehead to mine.

I thought finding out the truth would give me the closure I needed to put this behind me finally. I thought it would make me feel better… it didn’t. Hating him was a lot easier because knowing he was hurting as much as I was is amplifying those unresolved feelings that are resurfacing one by one.

The truth is suffocating me. Devin pulls back and looks at me sorrowfully. “I’m so sorry.”

My eyes close when he brushes my tears away with his thumbs. I nod and open my eyes to look up at him. I see the sincerity and affection clear as day, staring back at me and nod, “I know.”

I believe he is sorry for the way things turned out with us. But I’m still keeping my guard up because if I let it down, even a little, he’ll seep in, and I’ll be right where I was nine years ago when he leaves again, and I honestly don’t think my heart would survive another devastation. Devin pulls me in for a hug. When I wrap my arms around his neck, his brawny arms wind around me tight, he lifts me off the ground and secretes his face into my neck. “I better go,” I tell him after a few seconds, and he pulls his head back, his eyes rimmed red, making his usual warm chocolate brown eyes almost hazel.

“Are we good?”

I look over his face and sigh, “I don’t think we’ll ever be good, Dev, but we’re…okay.” I affirm. Devin looks apprehensive but slowly lowers me down to my feet.

“Mira, I’ve missed you so much.” He declares dolefully, skimming his fingers over my damp, tear-stained cheek.

I chew on my bottom lip. “I’ve missed you too, Devin. I just wish things were different.”

Devin shakes his head, “Me too.” We share one last look before I turn and walk out of his office.

I hightail it out of our office. I could feel myself losing grip on my emotions. I barely held it together till I got into my car and sped out of the car park. My vision blurs as I drive, my mind going back to the day Devin left. Hot tears flow down my face endlessly. I can’t stop wondering what might have happened if he didn’t leave. Suppose he kept all his promises to me. Would we have been together? Would I be his girlfriend right now? Would it have worked out?

What did he say in that letter that he couldn’t say to my face? I had to know.

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