Page 80 of Last Love

More weight landing on him rather than remaining on me.

“You ruined my entire fucking life.” One step forward is executed. “You took away so fucking much from me. You cost me the one person who actually loved me. The one person who gave me all those things you just admitted to never doing for me. You nudged me down the path of becoming an addict and through the years kept me on it. And ultimately, yes. I am the reason I became an addict.”

His expression seems to sadden further.

“I. Made. That. Choice.” Pride at ownership like Doc talked to me about straightens my spine as I continue. “And that choice initially spawned from my own desperation for one moment…ONE! FUCKING! MOMENT! Of approval from you! Wanting that more than anything else is what made me walk away from Pres ten years ago. It was the hope that you would finally give me a smidgen of the same thought you gave to my two siblings that led me to follow the only advice you ever fucking gave me.”

The lingering tears in my eyes make their dramatic drop; however, I pretend that they didn’t.

That they don’t exist.

That I’m not shedding anything over a man who waited until he was on his deathbed to do right by me.

“Growing up all I really wanted was for you to look at me once like you did Noah. For mom to dote on me once like she did Liz. For the two of you to treat me like I was a member of a fucking family I never asked to be born into!”

My father heavily wheezes, “Ryder-”

“No!” I shout at the top of my lungs, toothpick tumbling to the ground. “You don’t get to say shit to me ever again!”

His mouth quivers yet words remain unspoken.

“You didn’t want me as a fucking son then, and I don’t want you as a fucking father now. But you should know that the money you pumped into my sobriety for years actually worked this time. I’m completely fucking clean. I have been for months. I’m healthy.” A hand gestures over my toned frame. “I have a fucking job.” My finger taps the logo to my work shirt. “I have an apartment with a roommate who is probably the best friend I’ve ever fucking had.” An unconscious smirk slips onto my face. “Fuck, I’m even trying to figure out how to get into school to do something more with my life in a field I really fucking love.” Another bit of pride pumps through my veins pushing out the desire for substances. “Noah and I are working shit out. Repairing our broken family. And most importantly, I have the one person you took away from me back in my life.”

“Pre-”

“No!” I bark even harder than before. “You don’t get to say her fucking name!”

My father tries to close his mouth but seems incapable.

“You’re even less fucking worthy of it than I am.”

Tears I hadn’t noticed before slide down his cheeks as he respectfully nods.

“She’s the main fucking reason I’m here.” The truth announced seems to relax my stance. “She deserves the goddamn world, and one way or another, I’m gonna figure out how to fucking give it to her.”

An unexpected look of awareness floods his stare as though the statement resonates with him.

“The other reason I’m here is because my sponsor says it’s important to face my past. Confront my mistakes. Take responsibility.” Lifting my chin higher feels fucking fantastic. “You are my past. Wanting your approval was my mistake. And I will not fucking make it again. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not your son. Your son died in rehab.”

New tears begin to emerge.

“The man that stands before you, the man that I am now, the man that will someday have his own children to love like he was never loved, is a fucking stranger to you. And he will remain that way. You will die never knowing him.”

His choked sob is oddly empowering.

“You will die never having his approval.”

The sight of him silently bawling in a way I’ve done more times than I can count feels like the perfect time to exit.

“Enjoy your final days on this earth, Derek Noah Collins. May they be filled with the love and peace you once took from me that I’m finally finding again.”

No further words are exchanged.

I stroll back the way I came offering Janet a minor nod before disappearing out the front door.

An odd mixture of pride and reprieve blend together in my bloodstream, banishing any remaining urges for a smoke and lifting my body up to the point it feels like I’m floating.

Like I’m on a different high.

Freedom is what I came here for, yet this wasn’t the type I was expecting.

It was, however, the exact kind I needed.

Vibrations in my pocket have me hastily reaching for my cell, hoping Pres’s training wrapped up early, so I can wrap her up around me, but unfortunately for me, the caller is the exact opposite of my girlfriend.

She’s a haunting reminder to never take for granted the support system I have.

Hitting the answer key is done at the same time I unlock my car. “What.”

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