Page 75 of Since Always

"Mark Reynolds is not 'in the right.'"

"I killed his sister. And his niece or nephew."

"You didn't kill her. Them. It was an accident."

"No, don't do that. It was an accident that shouldn't have happened."

"No accidents should happen. By definition." She pauses. "Why didn't Mark ever use it against you? He could have spun it and killed your campaign."

"Their parents don't know about the baby or her affair. We agreed, early on, that they never could. They were grieving enough. It's the only thing he and I ever agreed on. "

"I see."

"So, there it is. I've never said any of that out loud before. And...I will understand if this makes you hate me."

"I could never hate you. And I know you won't believe this, but I don't think it was your fault. You both made decisions. And I'm sorry she paid the price she did. It was far, far too high. And I'm sorry you paid the price you did. Because you don't deserve to walk around feeling like you're unworthy of the life you have, and the love that's being offered to you."

"I don't deserve it, and I can't take it. I can't risk it all again. And I'm so sorry for that, because if there was anyone worth risking it for, you are the person."

I can see her lip quivering, even in the low light, and my chest feels like it is being crushed.

"So, that's it for you?" she asks. "You made some really horrible mistakes over a decade ago and you just never get to love again?"

"I don't know," I say, honestly. "Maybe. Or maybe someday circumstances will be right."

"Oh. I see."

I panic at the break in her voice.

"No, Cass, I just mean..." I look at her down-turned face. She looks so young. So innocent. I am reminded again why I can't let this happen. "You have your whole life in front of you. And no one is more excited to see what you do with it than me. No one. I know it is going to be big and grand and full of adventure and love. And a relationship with me does nothing but hold you back. I tie you down right from the start. With a man who is no different now than he was when he was 25; my job is still my entire life. You piss off your brother and you disappoint your mother and you have the press call you my…Well, whatever they would say."

It is now my voice that breaks, as I lift my thumb to her cheek to wipe away her tear. "I feel like I took her life, Cass. I can't take yours too."

She leans her head into my chest and I can feel her crying against me. When she looks up, she nods, but pulls my mouth down to hers.

“So, that’s it, then,” she says, and I hear the resignation.

I kiss her forehead, not able to formulate a response.

"Okay,” she says. “But, just for tonight? A goodbye?" She says in a begging whisper.

And I can give her this. I can give me this. I take her mouth with mine.

We sleep late. Our naked bodies are entwined when I wake, as though we didn't want to let each other go, even while unconscious. My heavy blackout curtains have kept the room dark, and I have no idea what time it is.

"Good morning," she mumbles, stirring as I move to check the clock.

"Good morning, gorgeous," I say. "Happy birthday."

I know that there is a weight over us, but I do not want to do anything to ruin this day for her.

"Not gorgeous right now," she protests, stretching long in the bed. "I didn't even wash my makeup off last night. I'm going to regret that."

The curve of her body straightens as she stretches. Her small waist, the long line of her legs, the toes she points

"If you could see what I can see, there is no way you would think you aren't beautiful right now." To prove it, I lean over her and take a nipple in my mouth. I woke up hard and seeing her now, like this, I can't stop myself.

I get no objection from her as she throws her head back while my tongue explores her body. I'm giving her an actual birthday present when we make it downstairs, but right now I want to show her how grateful I am that she was born.

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