Page 56 of Since Always

I tell her the whole story.

I start with the fact that I have known Cassidy Sloane since the literal day she was born, and about my relationship with her family. I even give her a vague description of the incident two years ago, before filling her in on the events of the past two weeks.

She stops eating part way through, entranced by my every word.

"Wow," she says when I finish.

I don't know what I expect her first reaction to be, but I certainly don’t expect it to be what it is.

"That's so romantic."

"What?" I ask.

"It's romantic. Like make a girl swoon-kind-of-romantic."

"Oh, God," I say. "Stop it."

"I'm just saying, Owen. You've known this girl her whole life, then suddenly you see her differently and are so overcome by passion for her that you risk everything to be with her? Say what you want..."

"Well, you see it as romantic. Most people will probably see it as creepy. At best. And I'm not exactly in a position to not care about what 'most people' think."

"No, you aren't, unfortunately. I’m not saying that you did the wrong thing by walking away. I don't think you did. Like I said, I get the sacrifices we have to make for the job now. But I'm sad for you. Both of you. I've never seen you at all excited by a woman. You deserve some happiness."

"Well, you do too, and yet here you are, at 26 years old, telling me you've given up on ever finding love. We're a pretty pathetic pair, aren't we?"

"The glamorous world of politics. This is probably not what people think of when they think of being in Congress, is it? That you commit yourself to the work and give up everything else in your life?"

"Well, no, but they also probably don't think people are sleeping in their offices or renting rooms from random strangers either."

"Excuse me, Mr. Money Pants, but I happen to like renting a room from a stranger. She's become like a second mom to me," she says, laughing.

"I'm not knocking it, but I'm sure this isn't what it seems like to the outside world."

"Yeah, but...It's worth it, right?" There is something about the way she is asking that makes me think she is imploring me to tell her it is. That every relationship she loses, every night she spends alone, and every hope she has given up on is okay, because we are making a difference for people.

"I sure hope so." It's the most I can give her tonight.

I insist we change the subject, and our conversation turns to our work, and what we have coming up in the next few weeks. After a while, she realizes what time it is and says she needs to get going.

"Thanks for coming over, and thanks for talking to me about everything," she says as I walk her to the door.

"Yeah, anytime. Thanks for dinner."

She turns to hug me. There is a moment, a split second, where something shifts in the room. We are holding the hug for a beat longer than we normally do. She pulls back and the look on her face shows she is just as surprised as I am at the change. And yet, it is there: the unspoken declaration that things could be different right now.

It would be so easy. So natural. This beautiful, intelligent, successful woman is here now, in front of me. One who's company and conversation I enjoy. This woman who the world already thinks I should be with, if you listen to the tabloids. Yes, she is still quite a bit younger than me, but I only met her a year ago, and somehow that changes things. All I have to do is lean in and kiss her and accept a life that will make sense to everyone.

Instead, I drop my hands and break the gaze.

"I can't," I say, and it feels strange to say it out loud. To put words to the awkward silence that has descended upon us.

"Yeah, I..." She shifts uncomfortably. "Shit, I'm sorry, Owen. I didn't mean to... Shit."

"No, you didn't do anything. Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. I just am in a place where anything that happened would be a distraction for me, and I don't want you to be a distraction for me. You're too good of a friend."

"I know. Absolutely. You too. I...I should go. “She is scrambling for the doorknob now and I feel bad at the look of panic still on her face.

"Hey," I say as she steps into the hallway. "I mean it. You are my closest friend in Washington. I don't want anything to be weird. I'm sorry. Are we cool?"

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