Page 35 of Since Always

"I mean, don't be sorry, but you're on edge. You have been all afternoon. Work?"

"Yeah," I lie, but then hate myself more for it. "No. I don't know. Being back here has been a little hard, I'm realizing. Memories and shit."

"Is this about running into Reynolds the other night? The shit he said about Kait? You know you can't take that asshole seriously."

"It's not that. Well, it's not all that."

"You know, O," he says even quieter, looking up and around the table to make sure no one is paying attention to our conversation. "It wasn't your fault. I've said this before, but lately it seems like it needs repeating. You can't stop yourself from being happy for the rest of your life, because you blame yourself for what happened."

"That's not what this is," I say, knowing I am not fooling him. Because on the surface he's wrong, but if I'm being honest, he is not wrong at all.

"It's what it always is. Just have fun tonight, will you? Fuck whatever Reynolds said. Don't worry about feeling guilty or whatever it is you are always putting yourself through."

Beside me, the girl in the burgundy dress laughs at something someone has said, and a smile tugs on my lips almost instinctively at the sound.

No, friend, you do not want me to let go of my guilt. Right now, that guilt is the only thing keeping you from murdering me.

CHAPTER 11

Cassidy

Dinner ends, and the rest of the guests start arriving shortly afterward. By 10:30, there are people everywhere. A DJ plays music outside, blasting everything from Led Zeppelin to Abba to Drake. People are dancing on the large patio or clustering around the bar, sitting on the sofas placed around the outdoor fireplace. The tables in the main room have been removed and people now fill the space. I hear talk that several groups have already headed to the pool, and that it's packed in there too. That's usually a late night or early morning move for me—I'm not destroying the work of the incredible makeup artist I hired by getting wet.

If I'm being honest, I feel good about myself tonight. Especially after watching Owen do everything in his power to not look at me and failing repeatedly when he thought I wasn't paying attention.

I am flitting from group to group, giving hugs, making introductions, and small talk. My mother is much more the quintessential hostess than I am. It doesn't come as naturally to me. But, luckily, I have had years and years of training to get over any discomfort I might otherwise feel.

I am chatting with Norma Willard; one of the most famous supermodels of the 1980s. She is now sixty, and still utterly breathtaking in person. Norma has a daughter who went to USC, and we are talking about the school when a tap on my shoulder makes me turn around.

"Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt," Lexi says to Norma, and then turns to me. "I just wanted to let you know we were here, and to come find us outside when you finish chatting."

"Oh, it's okay. Go, Cass, have fun with your friends. It's great seeing you."

"Thanks Norma, you too. Have fun tonight and please tell Madison I said hello."

"By the way, I'm a huge fan," Lexi tells her, as she grabs my arm and begins pulling me towards the door. "She is not even human," she says to me. "Do you think that's surgery?"

"Lexi! Jesus. I think it's none of our business."

She eyes me shrewdly.

"Okay, yeah. Probably. Still, if I could look like that at her age, even with surgery, I'd be fucking ecstatic."

The rest of the group is standing by the bar.

"Cassidy," Vadim says, running to give me a big hug. He reeks of vodka.

"Hey," I say, kissing him on the cheek. "You did a little pre-gaming, didn't you?"

"You mean the party before the party?" His thick accent slurs a little on the words. "I did, yes."

I turn towards Drew, who is watching me with a smile on his face. "And you? Pregame?

He shrugs. "A little, not too much. Man, Cass," he says, stepping towards me and wrapping his arms around my waist, “you look—I don't even actually know if there is a word for how you look." His eyes fall to my cleavage. Unlike Owen, he does not hide it. "We missed you today."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. My brother gave me a guilt trip about wanting to spend time with me before I head back to school."

"Brothers are the worst."

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