Page 16 of Since Always

I blow off the dust and lay it down gently, switching on the system. This is religion. The releasing of the arm. The bowing of my head as I check to see that it is perfectly lined up. The record spins. I drop the needle.

And it plays.

Landslide begins, the opening guitar chords slipping from the speakers. I curl up on the couch, pulling a fleece blanket over me. I let go the few tears straining to break free, even as a smile tugs at my lips. In moments where I feel close to him, I am filled with simultaneous joy and heartbreak.

I grab the notebook and put pen to paper, capturing this moment as best as I can. With the music and his memory filling the room, both so heavy, I feel like I could reach out and touch them.

I miss him so goddamn much.

I write throughout most of the song, scribbling every thought that comes to mind, for no one but myself. And, I guess, maybe him, if he is here to read it.

Writing is my therapy.

"Good song.” Owen's voice cuts into the darkness behind me.

"Hey," I say with a small smile. I try not to think about the woman. "You're up late. Or...early."

He smiles and I watch as he seems to have a moment's debate on whether or not to come into the room.

"I just came in for some water," he says. His voice is full of sleep.

"Oh, okay,"

He walks into the kitchen and silently fills a glass. I watch as he turns to walk back out, but pauses at the doorway. He looks to be at war with himself.

"Can't sleep?" he asks, after a pause.

I shrug. "I haven't tried. Just got home a little bit ago. I gave your friend a gate code to get out, by the way."

Even in the dim light, I can see him wince.

"Ah. Sorry about that."

"Kinda rude to not even see her out."

"I fell asleep. I didn't know she was leaving. I think I just passed out."

He finally comes into the room and sits down across from me, seeming to have lost whatever battle he was fighting.

"Went a little too heavy on the booze, Senator?"

"Don't quite have the tolerance I once did."

We fall silent. World Turning has started; its more upbeat melody is welcome, now that Owen is here. It still feels heavy between us, but at least he is talking to me.

"How was your night?" I ask, hoping that he is smart enough to leave out the evening's closing event.

"It was good. I ended up seeing a lot of people I haven't seen in a while."

"Yeah, me too. It's always weird in this circle, isn't it? How you run into the same people no matter where you go? It's like you can't escape them. I go to parties in LA with Becca and it's a lot of the same faces. It's frustrating."

"Frustrating how?"

"I don't know. I guess sometimes I just wish there was more..." I trail off. I'm not sure I know what I'm trying to say.

"You know where I met most of my friends now who aren't a part of 'our world'"?

I shake my head.

---